James Michael Sama identifies five false perceptions on women and dating in general and the truth behind them.
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If you browse social media sites like Facebook and eavesdrop on the comment section of pages that post articles related to dating and relationships, you will find an overwhelming amount of jaded men (and women) leaving comments about how all women typically want is, and I quote: “Money, orgasms, and to laugh. But they will usually be happy with two of those things.”
The cynicism permeating today’s society is overwhelming.
While all of these are nice, that’s certainly not enough to hold a relationship together or to actually fulfill someone as a person. There are plenty of other misconceptions about what women want on the surface, but I think it’s important to dig deeper into what these things actually mean.
So, what do men think women want, and what is the reality behind it?
Money.
You don’t have to look far to find a man who thinks all women are interested in is money. But I have always had a theory about this. As we know, the physical object of the green paper that is money is useless by itself. You can’t drive green paper or live in it, it’s a matter of what you do with it. A car, a house, or a boat is much more attractive than someone who is say, a drug addict or an alcoholic, though both of them might be equally wealthy.
So what does the idea of women wanting money really mean? Of course I understand that gold diggers exist, but when it comes to women looking for a teammate in life, they want someone who is ambitious. Who is driven. Who knows what he wants and goes after it. A man who has goals and dreams and will understand her passion for success in life. A man who can provide for her even if she can do it for herself. There is a security in financial stability that only comes from being “comfortable.” Arguments about money are one of the leading causes of divorce, so it’s natural to want to avoid this.
Men who display the qualities in the paragraph above typically have money as a result of their efforts and how they choose to live their life. That is what the desire is for.
To laugh.
When it comes to keeping a woman’s attention, manners are important, good looks are a bonus, but humor is a must. Why? Because humor improves life in many ways. Psychologically, humor relates to being intelligent and actually helps predict mating success, especially in males. So yes, while women (like everyone else on the planet) likes to laugh, there is a deeper meaning behind it.
Humor can brighten our day and make us smile when we need it most. It makes people comfortable and helps to bring them together. It keeps the mood light and happy rather than someone who is serious all of the time. It is attractive in men and women alike. So if you’ve ever wondered why women are attracted to funny men, there you have it.
Orgasms.
If you’re going to make a statement like I quoted in the first paragraph, then you can expect it to be pulled apart a little bit. We are all adults here and should be able to discuss this comfortably – pretty much all of us can give ourselves orgasms if we really wanted to, yes? So as a shallow desire in a relationship, it doesn’t really fly. There is clearly more to it than that. No (happy, healthy) relationship can be held together by sex itself.
Then, what does it signify? What does it mean? It means there is a physical and emotional intimacy between partners. It means that the man pays attention to the woman’s needs and enjoys keeping her satisfied. It means they are physically healthy and enjoy being together. It means there is a connection and intensity that would not be present if the relationship didn’t exist. There is a difference between the result and what causes the result, and both should be identified.
Gifts.
Some men think they can buy a woman’s love by showering her with gifts. Not only is this implying that she can literally be bought, which is insulting, it’s also entirely missing the point of giving a gift to someone you love. Gifts in relationships are increasingly being seen as an apology or a way to make up for a shortcoming of some sort.
I put a photo on Facebook once of a man carrying a massive bouquet of roses. I mean, huge. It was hoisted over his shoulder. My caption under it was something romantic, but many people commented wondering what he had done wrong or was apologizing for. This is kind of sad to me.
Gift giving is supposed to be thoughtful. It is when you see something small in your daily travels that reminds you of the person you love and you pick it up for them. It shows that you are willing to put in effort for somebody, just because. To say women want to be showered with gifts is to make them sound more materialistic than they are and to miss the point of what a certain gift will symbolize — your love for her.
Men who don’t treat them right.
Perhaps the worst myth about what women want perpetuated by society is that they actually desire to be mistreated. For an endless amount of reasons, this is ridiculous. Men think women always fall for jerks, when in reality these types of men likely exhibit qualities of strength or dominance that could be shared with, for lack of a better term, an “alpha male.” Often times the mistreatment and negativity don’t show themselves until she is already committed and a cycle begins that is far too involved for this article.
The fact of the matter is that women, like all of us, want to be loved, cared for, and respected. They want to be listened to and trusted. Don’t let women who find themselves in negative situations govern your outlook on what everyone is looking for.
The right woman doesn’t want your car, your money, or gifts. She wants your time, your effort, your honesty, your loyalty, and your respect.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Check him out on Twitter and Facebook.
Photo credit: Lionel Fernandez Roca/flickr
RE: Perhaps the worst myth about what women want perpetuated by society is that they actually desire to be mistreated. For an endless amount of reasons, this is ridiculous.
The appalling rates of divorce (2/3 of which are initiated by women), domestic violence, and cheating speak for themselves and tell a different truth. I suggest you get your head out of the clouds and look at things as they are, not as you would like them to be
Nice article which broke age-old misconceptions on girls’ psychology. I even get out of those superstitions what I took care for half of my life. Thanks Michael.
Women want ambition? Balls, I say..BALLS! ask any woman to choose between a successful garbage man and lawyer, see the answer…between an ambitious delivery boy or an ambitious doctor…BOOM! at some level, all women are about the money!Also, this list forgot to mention the size queens 🙂
when in reality these types of men likely exhibit qualities of strength or dominance that could be shared with, for lack of a better term, an “alpha male.”
I laughed out loud as I read this, you either date a jerk or you don’t date a jerk. Alpha and Beta complex don’t exist in human beings, for we do not work in packs most of the time.
1. Time, effort, respect, honesty and forthright in all things and looking out for each other’s best interests.
2. No games, second guessing, instigating jealousy, testing, stalking, lying, manipulating, coercion, slutting or setting someone up to do a face plant.
I do not know a single male that fits no. 1 above. Dating is a complete waste of energy, time and finances.
then youre looking in the wrong places using the wrong search criteria.
You need too get out more and broaden your circle. Dating in your current pool is plainly frustrating for you and I can empathise with that. Where I am, the book is always judged by its cover.
So change the pool of people youre dating. Change your criteria. If you keep on looking for diamonds amongst rocks, naturally youre going to continue to be disappointed.
Hi James I think you miss the important issue of children, Women want children,and has a limited time in their life to give birth. In my country research show women shoose men that they know can raise a family. Most women work outside the home so they do not look for men that want stay at home mums, but men that can raise a family . When they have the choice between a young man and an older divorced man that can prove he can raise a family then they choose the older man. They are resurculated and popular. You… Read more »
Would you care to elaborate on the logic here?
Because to me, it seems that a divorced man has pretty much proved to be the exact opposite of a “good husband to live with while you raise children”?
You operate under the sexist notion that divorces only happen because the man was no good. Suppose she was abusive or cheated?
Theorema, No not really. I asked the question under the notion that a divorce happened because the spouses were in one way or another “incompatible” as a *married couple*, nothing else. And this A) doesn’t really say *anything* about what kind of a father he is. And B) doesn’t really say anything about what kind of a husband he was either, because as you point out, for all anyone else knows, he may have been an abuser as well as abused himself, or anything in between. On another note, I find it interesting that this point of view is brought… Read more »
FlyingKal
When you recirculate something it does not mean that we have limited supply, only that we see it as valuable and still can be used several times :).
I can not see that divorced,well educated men with children is narrow group?
And these women prove that they do not want bad boys or jerks, but men with qualities they see as valuable.
Silke, “When you recirculate something it does not mean that we have limited supply, only that we see it as valuable and still can be used several times :).” Yes, and that is precisely what we mean when we talk about attraction; personal traits that we see as valuable, isn’t it? I don’t think I said anything about them being in short supply, or did I? Just that it was a rather narrowed-down search criteria. And one that in my opinon don’t actually say anything about the qualities of the man in question either, nothing more than that there is… Read more »
no I can not elaborate the logic. The women that choose a divorced man,with good education and children seem to like the fact that he is a father, wanted children ,can have children and want more children,and is experienced in how to be a father and raise children. Good education . Men, that value family life more than material things, and that are skilled interpersonally , and more than willing to share the task of bringing up children, Good education is not the same as having a high income. These men are called the resirculated men, and they can choose… Read more »
“Guys who are bitter about women only wanting men with money, etc, are missing the point. Most women aren’t in dating just for the fun, they’re in it for a future. If you can’t even keep yourself fed and clothed, how are you going to enter a partnership, especially with a woman who has her own career and PROPERTY?” How can guys keep themselves clothed and fed when their jobs have been taken away from them and you now have female CEOs and female politicians stating that the world (in other words rich people and corporations) don’t owe men a… Read more »
This is pretty right on. I chose my partner, in part, because he has drive, knows what he wants, and goes out and get it. That’s how he got me. I want a partner, not a dependent. I’ve dated men who don’t have that drive, and I always had the sense that they would always be struggling financially. I’m financially independent – I have a career and own my own home – so I don’t NEED a guy with money, but I want a partner who has the skills and the temperament to keep himself – and by extension, me… Read more »
Most women aren’t in dating just for the fun, they’re in it for a future. If you can’t even keep yourself fed and clothed, how are you going to enter a partnership, especially with a woman who has her own career and property? So you are saying that if a woman is well off on her own, that means she will only accept a man who is even better off. Under no condition will she ever provide for him, the way he usually will provide for her without flinching. Alrighty. It’s called female hypergamy. It is always depressing to find… Read more »
Indeed, I can’t understand even comprehend how anyone can justify the blatant hypocrisy with this.
In fact, I dont even think I want to know.
Theorema
While she is dating she has a choice, she can say no to any man .
But the day she marries then the law give her husband certain rights. Marriage is a legal contract and give both men and women certain rights.
Different countries have different laws about marriage,but men can have more legal rights than they know about themselves.
In my country the law is clear. It my duty to support my husband economically when he need it,and he has the same duty towards me.
That is understood, and it is no different where I live. But the crucial word I stumbled over in Lucy’s post was “especially”. It implies that having her own career and property, i.e. not needing to be provided for, makes a woman actually less willing to provide for her partner. I understand that a female starving artist will not be able or willing to marry a male starving artist, because they will just starve together then, but I cannot accept that a woman who earns 6 figures needs a man who earns 7 figures.
Theorema
Maybe it is just another example that the wealthy marry the wealthy?
Silke,
Yes, it may be an example that the wealthy marry the wealthy.
But it’s also an example of a woman being inherently dismissive to any man less wealthy than herself, regardless of her own wealth.
And she couldn’t really be more explicit about it either. If she were to end up in circumstances where she is unable to support herself, she expect to be fully supported by her husband. But she doesn’t display a hint of intention to return the favour, should the situation be reversed.
I found this article thoughtful and right on, except “driven” and “ambitious” are not it exactly. I think women look for a man who knows a little of who he is: what he wants out of life, where he wants to go, what is important to him. I’m not talking having your life mapped out to a “T”, but it is good for a man, the woman who joins him, their relationship. their children, if he spends time thinking about what he really cares about and how to make it happen and then he takes steps to make it happen.… Read more »
I like this article but what about men who not overly good looking or at least decent in the looks department. I have a friend of mine who is like this and he works as plumber and for a nice guy he is women just aren’t interested in him and is based pretty much on the type of job he does the followed by his looks. You can say that men who have all the confidence in the world can find relationships but i don’t buy it and at the end of the day women place a high value on… Read more »
Yep. They can deny it all they like, but it happens.
Its the 80/20 rule. 80% of one sex mining for the 20% of the other sex that isnt married, gay or already committed to someone else.
I have to say that I am so turned OFF by the notion that the drive to be ‘successful’ in this unsustainable system as a virtue. Want to impress me? Figure out a path which rejects the economic status quo.
This, to me, isn’t about economic success or the current system It’s about contribution and effort within the relationship. Yes, currently, we need money to survive. That is all there is to it. If a man refuses to contribute to the relationship materially because “she might be using me” that’s not ok. Regardless of the system. Equate it to this: If we had a system of self sufficiency, we’d be looking for men who would equal our efforts in producing food and household goods, and who would step in to fill the gap in those times when we couldn’t. As… Read more »
Re. #5.
It’s not so much that I think that women always fall for jerks.
It’s more like, if you get into a relationship with someone pretty much because of their exhibitions of strength and dominance toward other people, perhaps you shouldn’t be so surprised the day you find yourself not being listened to either?
That is generally NOT what women fall for. Women like CONFIDENCE, and when a man exhibits strength and dominance, it can very easily be mistaken for confidence when really it’s just asshole behaviour. Also, most “jerks” are extremely charming and complimentary at the beginning of a relationship, put you on a pedestal, pretend to listen to you, make you feel like you’re something really special, that sort of thing. It can get to a point where people are even warning the woman about the guy, and the woman tells them they don’t know him well enough yet, and he can… Read more »
Seriously… Dead on.
Oh my god. YES.