Many people today go about their lives very cut off from their emotions, and thus don’t end up experiencing the full scope of the inner human experience. The reason being for this, we really don’t have to in the brave new world we are living in.
You don’t need to go out and scrounge for your food or hunt in order to be able to eat. You don’t need to go fight in wars against other tribes. All of these are positive ways in which our species has evolved. If you work a standard 40 hours per week, in all likelihood you will have your basic necessities accounted for.
One thing we don’t have to experience on an everyday basis like our species used to experience is the daily visceral feeling of fear.
This is a good thing in one sense, and in another sense it’s made you feckless. Dealing with fear is one of the most liberating and empowering things you can do to better your relationship with yourself and become more confident.
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Your issue with fear
Fear is like the captain of the ship when it comes to the rest of your negative emotions such as shame, sadness, anger, and despair. Fear can often pop up in response to the threat of being confronted by any of these and more emotional states.
When you are feeling deep sadness and some form of grief, fear gets you to suppress what you are feeling to the back of your consciousness where it only starts to silently control the way you act.
Feeling shame is a deep fear of showing yourself to the world because you are disgusted by who you are and don’t know how anybody could possibly love you as you are.
Anger is often a response to bypass the fear you feel, since there is more energy in anger.
For you to become a more well rounded and integrated person, it is important to learn to confront, integrate and welcome fear into your world and not be so reactive to it. Yes, welcome the inner tension which comes with being a little freaked out.
So how do you start to build a relationship with fear? Well, you start by stepping into controlled situations where you have to confront it head on, but where you are also safe at the same time.
Here’s some ways you can start to step into confronting that fear and becoming more fearless instead of feckless.
Shock the system
I’ve written about the wonders of taking cold showers before, and this remains one of the most effective ways to willingly take on greater amounts of tension in your life.
Don’t get it twisted, standing under a stream of cold water is no easy task and can be downright painful when your body is not accustomed to it. This is exactly why voluntarily stepping into a cold shower is so effective at getting you to calm down in the face of fear.
You get that cold water running and you know that the last thing you really want to do is get under that icy waterfall. You do it anyway, you learn to breathe into the discomfort, you even learn to relax into it a bit more.
Does it get easier? Not necessarily. BUT! Do you become more resilient to the cold? Yes, absolutely!
This is a phenomenal way you can start to train yourself to handle more discomfort in your life. Fear is just a feeling of discomfort as it is.
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Come out of your shell
I’ll make a confession to you all, I definitely consider myself more of an introvert. Talking to people (especially people I don’t know very well) isn’t something which comes all that easily to me.
In the age we live in now, it’s become a lot more uncommon for complete strangers to start chatting with one another, in a way it’s almost taboo and violates a certain level of social etiquette (ironically). This however, is not to say there is anything wrong with talking to strangers, because there absolutely isn’t as long as you aren’t a crazy stalker weirdo of some sort.
I will challenge you to go ahead and “violate” this social etiquette. Try something like saying hello to ten random strangers out on the street, let yourself be seen. One of the bigger fears people have surrounding talking to strangers is the fear of being seen, it’s no wonder public speaking is such a major fear for most people.
You can even push yourself further and give a compliment to somebody, ask somebody a random question either serious or silly.
All this will serve to help you become more comfortable around people, so start to push into those twangs of social discomfort you are feeling.
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Give yourself permission to do this
I’m going to go ahead and state the obvious here, we are living in an age where most of polite discourse is ruled by some form of political correctness. This is the case because there is a very loud and very vocal minority of people who seek to jump on any type of discourse which goes outside the lines of this politically correct speech.
Now, you probably see where I’m going with this, and I’ll preface this by saying outright that I don’t believe you should say controversial things you don’t actually believe simply for the sake of saying controversial things.
That being said, we are all unique individuals who all relate to the world in vastly different ways with a wide range of varying perspectives, you are not going to see things the same way as most people do.
If you are in a group setting or even just with one other person where there is a certain narrative being pushed, and you see things somewhat differently, make your opinion known to the people around you.
I know this can sometimes make you feel like you are standing out on a tiny island surrounded by angry rough seas, and you very well might get some push back from those around you.
The challenge is to stay as grounded as you can while respectfully making your perspective known. Again, it’s not that you do this just for the sake of being controversial, but to a) learn to become okay with being a little different and possibly being misunderstood, and b) to give the people you are with a different way of looking at a particular issue.
You deserve to share your story, and you can’t control if not everybody will relate to it. They are entitled to their perspective just as much as you are, but no more than you. Little by little you allow for people’s opinions of you to matter less and less.
Allow yourself to be fearlessly yourself.
Photo by Timon Studler on Unsplash
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It’s worth a shot
If you are working on building your overall levels of confidence and handling fear more effectively in your life, you might as well use this challenge to try to materially improve your overall life as well.
When was the last time you asked for a raise at work? If you are a gig worker, have you ever had a discussion with your clientele about raising your prices?
This is definitely not easy to do, you might wince at the thought of doing so. You might start to imagine scenarios of your boss laughing in your face or your clients flat out refusing and leaving you.
Provided you are providing the value in what you do, asking for a little more money is a great way to both get yourself handling greater amounts of tension, and also working on your negotiation skills a bit.
Advocate for yourself while also being willing to provide the value needed at your place of work.
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Get Lost
I love to travel around and to see new places. Still, every time I go somewhere new there is a decent amount of anxiety, especially when traveling out of the country.
Learning to thrive in a different environment is a great way to confront those anxieties you might have around being in an unfamiliar place.
Learn to get around where you are, learn some of the customs of the locals, learn a little bit of the language if necessary, learn to thrive. By it’s very nature travel is expanding your comfort zone.
Try traveling to somewhere you haven’t been before.
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Physical tension as well
It’s no secret that physical tension as well as physical pain are very real fears most people deal with on a daily basis.
This is why choosing to put yourself in some form of physical tension is a great way to work on handling this specific type of fear in your life. When you challenge your body in any way, you are working through different levels of physical discomfort and thus continuing to expand your comfort zone.
You can do many things; you can run, lift weights, swim, cycle, sky dive, pole vault, or even do martial arts of some kind. Don’t just go through the motions, look for that push as well in whatever you are doing, the fear and the discomfort lives in the area of that push.
I have been taking classes for and practicing Muay Thai kickboxing for nearly two years now, and I must say it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Learning the techniques, you need to get over the fear associated with being a beginner and not knowing what you are doing. This is true of any physical challenge you take on, like the first time you ever head to the gym to lift some weights.
In martial arts especially, you train for some substantial amount of time, you become better. When you become better, then you start sparring and are confronted by that fear of physical tension with another person, albeit mostly safe when you are training with people you know and trust.
Not saying you need to start a martial arts practice today (though I highly recommend it), just find any physical challenge where you can get that push.
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Small gains
We can be potentially confronted with some sort of fear, tension, and discomfort on a daily basis. Most of these are not going to be huge for us, but will be small moments throughout our day.
Choose to welcome it, choose to confront and lean into it.
There is only more freedom to be had in your life by becoming more fearless.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Julian Santa Ana on Unsplash