Don’t you wish there was a way to get to know someone before spending time on multiple dates only to discover all the red flags?
While I can’t help you air out someone’s dirty laundry, I can help you understand the behavioral side.
We all grow and develop behavioral characteristics that create patterns we display in the latter stages of life.
In the dating world, these behaviors play out in your attachment style.
I get it. In a perfect world, we would all have a magical genie that shows us somebody’s personality profile on a whiteboard.
Unfortunately, your only option is to notice the subtle signs people display that will give you insight into their attachment style, behaviors, and ways you can navigate building a relationship with them.
You are in a bit of luck as I will give you ten traits to look out for if you discover you are dating a dismissive avoidant.
…
Slow to warm
You might be in the early stages of dating a dismissive avoidant or a full-on relationship.
One thing that is true in all stages is that they are slow to warm up. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeve; good luck getting that in the early stages.
The dismissive-avoidant struggles with vulnerability. When you gain their trust, they can be open with you, but in the early stages, they will not express feelings on a deep level.
Express feelings in a logical or factual view rather than an emotional expression.
…
Introvert
Be careful because people may be introverted for reasons other than their attachment style.
Also, when you see the dismissive-avoidant, they can often be extroverted in how they gain energy but introverted in how they recharge.
The introverted side of their personality comes from the desire to problem solve alone. Thinking about the day, processing their emotions, resting, and general free time activities are all items they prefer to do alone.
…
Race to harmony
You might have seen this scenario play out if you have dated a dismissive avoidant for a long time.
You get into an argument; they shut down but turn around quickly and want to resolve an issue.
While I cannot tell you how long the shutdown phase will last, there will be a desire to restore harmony and not hold a grudge over the issue.
The shutdown phase is a result of the desire for isolation. The introverted characteristic leads to thinking inward.
In the end, all a dismissive avoidant wants is peace and fun.
…
Testy
Dismissive avoidants aren’t in love with the idea of expressing all their emotions or tapping in on a deep level, as I said earlier.
So
You might see them get irritated or annoyed when you do.
It is crucial to notice this because it can often make you feel less valued or ignored and when in reality, it has more to do with how a dismissive avoidant processes emotions.
Since they do not get weighed down by emotions they have yet to process, they will feel the weight of yours.
…
Live for today, not tomorrow
Dismissive avoidants live in the present and do not overcommit to things, whether an event or even a relationship.
As a result, you will see that this affects them in other areas such as planning.
You’ll often hear things like “I go with the flow” or” I don’t like to plan out that far; who knows what ill be doing by then.”
Some people see this as either a good or bad quality. While you have a partner who won’t sit next to you and write a daily script, you will have a partner who does spontaneous activities with you.
…
Tell it like it is
Again, you can see this as their good or bad quality.
One thing I can promise you is a dismissive avoidant is not going to mince words with you.
You will get a blunt and honest answer, maybe too truthful.
The logical side of their thinking will categorize different levels of importance to issues. So, if it is something they don’t see as valuable or unworthy of dedicating too much emotion to, they will tell you.
…
This list can go on and on, but I just wanted to give you some common characteristics you will see.
It can become a little comical when you realize this is who your partner is because often, it is received personally.
When you understand that these are common traits of the attachment style, you will be less prone to see it as a negative result of your actions but rather as a behavioral pattern of your partner.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Wiktor Karkocha on Unsplash