When a relationship ends, and when we’ve already processed what we’ve gone through, we can usually see things with more clarity.
That’s usually when we realize where things went wrong. It suddenly becomes clear that we’ve ignored some huge warning signs all along. We were so invested in the relationship that we didn’t see those red flags, or maybe we did saw them, but we didn’t want to believe they were actually real.
Time and experience make it easier not only to recognize the red flags, but also to distinguish those who are real from those who are just a product of our insecurities.
And speaking of insecurities, it’s crucial to get to know yourself first before you move into a committed relationship. Although it sounds simultaneously cliché and obvious, we tend to ignore this simple rule.
The truth is, you can only have a happy, meaningful relationship if you’ve already developed a certain degree of self-awareness. This includes understanding your emotions, being able to look at yourself and recognizing what triggers you, as well as accepting that you’re responsible for how you choose to respond to those emotional triggers.
Otherwise, you’ll end up projecting your fears of betrayal and abandonment onto the other person — and that’s the recipe for a disastrous relationship.
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1. The relationship is moving too quickly
I know that meeting someone who makes you feel loved and alive is exciting, but healthy, strong relationships take time to build.
Moving too quickly can be a sign that something’s wrong. Usually, people who rush into a relationship are either scared of being alone or trying to get over someone — which is precisely why you should deal with your own issues before committing to someone.
2. They need constant reassurance
I used to pride myself on being independent and detached, yet I was terrified of being abandoned. Behind my façade of self-sufficiency was a a huge fear of intimacy and vulnerability, because I had been abandoned in the past.
It’s normal to want to know how your partner feels about you. What’s not normal is feeling the need to constantly ask them how they feel, or not feeling reassured even though they show you how much you mean to them.
If your partner behaves this way, they probably have unresolved issues. Maybe their childhood was unstable, or maybe they were cheated and abandoned in previous relationships. Whatever it is, they need to heal their wounds first — and so do you.
One thing is certain: when we know our self-worth, we don’t need constant reassurance of how others feel about us.
3. They are controlling
Controlling partners tell you who you should associate with, how you should and shouldn’t dress and sometimes they even demand your social media passwords.
They use guilt and shame to dominate their partners. They are such skilled manipulators, that you probably don’t even realize you’re being controlled. Even worse: they make you feel like their controlling behavior is an expression of love.
4. They refuse to make the relationship public
Some people like to keep a relationship private when they’re not sure where it’s going. That’s completely understandable, as long as this phase doesn’t last for years.
But sometimes, people want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship.
Relationships should be about joy, trust and intimacy. If you have to guess where the relationship is heading, something’s not right.
5. They are emotionally abusive
Emotional abuse is particularly difficult to identify, since there is no tangible evidence of violence. It’s easy to dismiss or downplay this type of abuse, but it can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Besides, in the beginning, these relationships usually seem to be straight out of a fairy-tale. But don’t deceive yourself: emotionally abusive people will destroy your self-esteem, independence, and dignity.
Some signs of emotional abuse are:
- Yelling, calling names;
- Your partner exploits your weaknesses and knows just how to push your buttons;
- You constantly have to apologize and defend yourself;
- You’re manipulated into feeling guilt, even if you haven’t done anything wrong;
6. Something in your gut feels wrong
I believe that when something’s wrong, our intuition always has a way of telling us — we just don’t listen to it.
All the warning signs are there from the beginning, and we ignore them all. We choose to see what we want to see.
I know that trusting our gut is much more difficult than the phrase implies, but here you can find some practical tips to put aside all the external noise and listen to what your instinct is telling you.
I promise it will guide you to what is truly best for you.
. . .
Recognizing the red flags is half the battle.
Maybe you’re still hoping that your partner will change, but true change can only come from within. It’s not impossible, but it isn’t quick or easy. It can only happen once the person takes full responsibility for his behavior and is willing to seek help.
Please know that you are not to blame.
You deserve to be respected.
You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
You deserve to express yourself.
You deserve to be treated with love and kindness.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
