This world of dating is full of surprises. It’s like a ECG waves, isn’t it? Sometime up and sometimes down.
We’ve all been there. You meet someone, there are sparks, and you start floating in the dreams of developing a romantic relationship. But after a while, some minor problems start to show, and before you realize it, boom!
Your heart is broken. Ouch. It hurts.
What if you could identify these problems before they become big? Could there be signals that seem like common sense red flags to protect you from another heartbreak?
Good news: There are.
Today, I will be counting down six quiet red flags that appear in dating-often preceded by heartbreak. And no, I’m not talking about obvious deal-breakers such as cheating, or physical/psychological harm.
Nope.
These are the less obvious, whisper-like symptoms that wear on a relationship over time. Trust me, you’ll want to pay attention to these.
Recognizing the signs of these red flags early on will keep you from getting hurt and allow you to make a more informed decision concerning relationships.
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First Think Like and Relationship Expert
Dr. John Gottman — the well known relationship guru himself, has spent several years studying couples. He’s perhaps best known for his work on marital stability (“predicting divorce” with Good accuracy) and relationship analysis. His studies have helped him to recognise the basic causes that make or break a relationship.
This is Fascinating, right?
Indeed, one of the primary red flags Gottman found are what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships:
- criticism
- contempt
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
All are worrisome, but contempt is the №1 predictor of Heart breaks. This is done by disrespecting the partner, mocking them, making fun of them, name-calling; copying their speech or actions -or- using body language such as eye-rolling and scoffs.
Therefore, how then can you identify these early on in dating? Well, here’s How you can tip:
Listen to how your date speaks of their exes, family, or even just strangers. Is their tone often sarcastic and condescending? That may well be an indicator of a tendency towards contempt. Red flag alert!
The point is this, it isn’t that you never disagree. It’s about how you disagree. A healthy partner can communicate how they feel and what their needs are without turning on your character or personhood.
Remember that, it’s important.
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Thinking Like a Communication Expert
Do know about Deborah Tannen?
She is a author of “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation,” who has spent years studying how couples communicate.
One of the more subtle red flags she points to are “asymmetries in communication styles.” Sounds something wierd, doesn’t it? But let me break it down for you.
This happens when one person continually misunderstands or disregards the other partner trying to communicate.
Take for example, one person might show love by doing things for their partner whilst the other wants to hear words of affection. If they are not acknowledged and dealt with, it may put you in a bad situation wherein you believe that you’re being flattering or affectionate, but your partner doesn’t see it that way.
One way that you can detect this red flag is by noticing the reaction of your date when telling them about something great going on in your life. Do they listen and empathize, or do they just brush off the subject? Here it’s needed to pay attention.
Also, pay attention to how they show affection. Does it feel true for you or false and off somehow? Trust your gut on this one.
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Thinking Like a Boundaries Expert
In his book “Boundaries,” which has sold over 4 million copies (impressive, right?), Dr. Henry Cloud explains why boundaries are fundamental in relationships.
He thinks an important red flag is NOT respecting personal boundaries. This can take many forms — text bombardment, unwanted visits, or insisting every break is spent together. Sounds exhausting.
Being so appealing to someone that they need your attention 24/7 can feel complimentary, but it really speaks more of some deeper insecurity or other control issues that are ultimately going to come back and bite you in the ass down the line. Not fun, trust me.
Look for the red flag of this, notice how they respond when you say “no,” or need space. Are they supportive of your determination, or do they make you feel guilty and try to get you to second-guess yourself? This is crucial, folks.
Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity and understanding. If they are already unwilling or unable to give you the respect and space that your healthy boundaries deserve, it is probably just going downhill from here.
How to Think Like an Emotional Intelligence Expert
A psychologist and author of “Emotional Intelligence,” Daniel Goleman emphasizes that emotional intelligence is an important factor in the ability to develop intimate relationships.
And Yes, is he right!
A non-issue that can become a major problem is an absence of empathy or emotional intelligence. It can either look like an inability to identify or validate your emotions, or the reverse: an extreme outward expression of their own. Neither is ideal, let me tell you.
For Example, if you are frustrated about something and your date does not listen to you or attempt to solve the issue while ignoring your emotions, then that could be a sign of low emotional intelligence. Red flag…
To see this, pay attention to how your date behaves in a stressful situation. Does the client look at ease when handling feelings? Can they discern and interact with your mood in the right way? These are important questions to consider.
It is essential to understand that emotional intelligence does not equate to being happy all the time or never having disagreements. It’s about learning how to manage feelings in a positive manner. Remember that, it’s crucial.
How to Think Like a Trust Expert
Brené Brown, the queen of vulnerability research, is a research professor and writer of the book “Daring Greatly,” and she has researched vulnerability and trust in relationships. Her work is eye-opening, to say the least.
One of the signs she mentions is what she refers to as “self-protection at the expense of connection.” This is when a person is so scared of getting hurt that they never fully expose themselves or become vulnerable. It’s like wearing emotional armor all the time. Exhausting, right?
In early dating, this could mean that they never steer the conversation to anything serious, never bring up the topic of the future, or rarely introduce you to their friends or family. It’s like they’re keeping you at arm’s length.
It is perfectly natural to have some barriers during the initial stages of a relationship, but persistent emotional detachment may indicate underlying problems with trust and closeness. Keep an eye out for this, folks.
To find this, focus on the conversations and interactions that you have with other people. Does your date ever tell you things like personal experiences or how they feel? Are they trying to be your friend, or do they avoid deep conversations? These are important clues.
As you have learned, relationships are not built on safety but on openness. A partner who is either unable or unwilling to be vulnerable may find it challenging to develop a meaningful and sustainable relationship. Food for thought, right?
How to Think Like a Self-Love Expert
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in self-compassion literature, highlights how harboring positive feelings about oneself is a fundamental part of many healthy relationships.
And let me tell you, she’s onto something.
One of the big red flags she acknowledges is a vicious tendency to criticize oneself or conversely, not showing any compassion toward yourself at all. Whether that means constantly self-deprecating, setting unrealistic expectations, or cutting themselves no slack in the event of a blunder. It’s like being your own worst enemy.
On the surface, it might not seem like a bad thing to date someone who is concerned with their own integrity, but on another level, high self-criticism often equals insecurity and jealousy within partnership dynamics.
This red flag will be easy to detect because it has everything to do with how your date speaks of themselves. Are they able to recognize their strengths with the same level of detail as their weaknesses? Can they laugh at their mistakes, or do they beat themselves up over the smallest of errors? Pay attention to these signs.
It will dictate the tone of all other relationships, really. If the person in question is not good at self-love, they may also have a hard time loving and accepting you completely. And that’s not fair to either of you.
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These relationship experts may not be saying anything new, but they remind us that when you’re on a date and something is off, write to — or McConaughey at the end of Titanic — what it feels like this point in time could possibly help. It’s like having a relationship expert on speed dial!
“What would Dr. John Gottman observe about our communication?”
“What would Deborah Tannen say about our conversation patterns?”
“Do you think that Dr. Henry Cloud would consider this as boundary issues?”
“If Daniel Goleman was asked about our emotional intelligence, what would he say?”
“How would Brené Brown rate our capacity to be vulnerable?”
“What would Dr. Kristin Neff note about our self-compassion?”
And yes, recognizing these warning signs is NOT about being a Debbie Downer or bailing at the first bit of friction. It’s about being mindful, establishing healthier relationships through realistic expectations. It’s like giving yourself a relationship reality check.
By being able to identify these subtle signs early on, you are not only saving your heart but you are also setting yourself up for a great, healthy, and long-lasting relationship. It’s like relationship self-defense, if you will.
However, the best relationships are not about searching for the perfect partner. They are about looking for a person who is willing to change and develop as an individual and as a couple. And that journey starts with awareness. It’s a beautiful thing when it happens.
Therefore, go out there, date well, and may your future relationships be less painful and more fulfilling. You’ve got this!
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I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe.
Sign up for my Medium newsletter. Trust me, you won’t want to miss out on more relationship wisdom like this!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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