Most people won’t approach others and try to initiate something. The fear of getting “rejected” triggers anxiety when meeting someone new. Especially in the romantic sense. Many of us would rather swipe on the apps or even stay at home.
In the past twelve years, I spent countless nights approaching women in bars and making friends with people. The best lessons I learned are the most unexpected (read everything I learn in my free ebook here)
1. Put your best foot forward
You gotta take care of the fundamentals first. Whether you’re a guy or a gal, you want to look sharp and clean.
A nice haircut. A good cologne. Fresh clothes you like wearing (and not necessarily the latest Gucci shirt). First impressions matter, don’t think otherwise.
I remember this experiment where a guy walked a crowded street dressed as a homeless and asked for money.
No one gave him a penny. People barely looked at him. Then he dressed up in a suit, put a smile on his face, and did the same thing. The responses he got were different. Totally different. People smiled back and were happy to help a stranger in need.
I think it’s more enjoyable to interact with people who take good care of themselves. They feel good, and it shows.
2. What the hell should you say
We never know what to say or how to say it. What can you possibly say? They are strangers. The short answer is you can say anything (as long as you don’t hurt people or something).
If you attend a meditation class one evening, you don’t need a reason to start talking to people. Both of you are there as part of the same group. You can strike up a conversation with the simplest lines.
Ask about the teacher or what type of mediation they usually do there. Keep it simple. “Is that your first time here? I’ve never been here before.” As cliche as it sounds, say it with a smile, and it’s hard to go wrong.
Imagine tomorrow is your first day in college. Would you need a reason to talk to your classmates? Not really.
A bar or a club setting is a bit different. You’ll have to find a little way in there.
Recently I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, “This bench you’re sitting on is the most comfortable in Tel Aviv”. She looked at me funny. Then I said, “A French designer made it”.
Silly stuff like that usually works best. People will go with the flow and play along.
3. Relax
Talking to strangers can make you anxious. It’s your brain’s fear response at work- a natural instinct trying to protect us from rejection.
The more you practice your social skills, the less you feel this fear. It’ll always be there, though. Try to relax, have fun, and don’t give your anxiety too much importance. Deal with this fear like a pebble in your shoe.
It’s there, it’s uncomfortable, but you can live with that. So you do it anyway.
You can baby-step your interactions. I slowly get myself into a talkative mood, which pulls me out of anxiety. I talk to the bartender. To my friends. To people standing in line to get in. Maybe I say a couple of words to the doorman. It gets me going.
Also, do not fear alcohol. I don’t get drunk, but I do grab a glass of beer when I’m out. It helps me relax and get into the mood. It’s well-needed after a long week at work.
4. Bring the cocktails
Get busy with making others feel good. Empathize with their story. Compliment them. Listen and try to understand them before you tell your story and try to be understood.
The trick is, you have to feel good about yourself before you help others feel the same way. If you feel bad, people will feel your energy and subconsciously distance themselves.
But if you feel good, people will flock to your vibe and want more of it.
One of my friends does that a lot. He’s somewhat depressed, and it shows. We go out talking to women, and they feel his energy from a mile away.
People are out to have fun. They have enough bullshit at work or with their family, mortgage, etc. So smile. Put aside anything that bothers you for a couple of hours.
Bring the cocktails, and they’ll welcome your presence.
5. How to keep a conversation going
Real-life interactions are dynamic. They don’t follow an A-Z route. After you start talking to someone new, you go with the flow and work with what you have in front of you.
Both parties often ask, “Where are you from?” or, “What do you do?” We’re socially conditioned to ask these questions. Nothing wrong with that.
If you don’t know what to say, you can always tell your story. “I’m a marketing guy selling pizza with no cheese or tomatoes. It’s a hit in the North Pole.”
Again, silly little things break the ice and keep the conversation going. You don’t want to overdo it, though. I AM a marketing guy. But I don’t sell pizza in the North Pole.
Whatever you do, remember this: it’s impossible to keep people’s attention for long in a social setting. So I’m usually in and out of conversations, at least for the first part of the evening.
Compliment. Ask questions. Tell them more about yourself. If you talk to a group, don’t leave people out and address everybody. You’ll click with the right people, and the interaction will flow.
6. Get a resolution
In a romantic context, you’ll usually get each other’s numbers by the end of the night or event. Make sure to take the initiative and do that. It works the same in different situations. You’ll get each other’s numbers, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever works for you. Maybe you talk about the next time you’ll see each other.
The closing part comes quite naturally. When both parties feel good about each other, it makes sense to follow up.
Conclusion
Making new friends can be tough. In today’s world, most people choose apps to do that. That’s why you stand out BIG TIME when you do it in real life. Meeting new people is one of the most precious skills a person can have. It’s also the most rewarding. You learn how to introduce yourself, how to tell your story, how to interact, and most importantly- how to listen.
Get my free ebook, “Life Lessons From Getting Rejected by Hundreds Of Women”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Helena Yankovska on Unsplash
