6 Texting Strategies That Will Lead to More Dates and Intimacy With Women

How you text a woman will make or break your overall success in dating, because most dates don’t happen the moment you meet someone.

That means you’ll be planning over text.

But here are the challenges.

The tone of one’s message can easily be misinterpreted
Texting lacks all the necessary ingredients for real connection
Responses and replies aren’t directly tied to what you say
Numbers can get lost, messages can get deleted, or service interruptions can prevent them from being sent
Texting can end up in an infinite loop of useless back-and-forth dialogue that leads nowhere

To bypass these problems, many guys (including myself) overthink their texts, misinterpret responses, take everything to heart, or treat virtual communication as the main course rather than a means to an end.

However, when I changed just a few things, I noticed an increase in the number of dates I went on. Which obviously led to intimacy and relationships.

1. Always consider how you’d want to be texted

Sending messages takes more time and energy than you think. Yeah, you’re just typing letters and numbers with your phone, but any action takes energy. Especially if you’re talking to multiple people.

And it can start to eat up a lot of your time.

So just try to keep in mind how it feels to be on the receiving end of her messages. Because how you’re feeling is likely how she feels.

Do you like having to analyze or decipher every text?
Are you into needless back-and-forth chit-chat?
Are long long-winded, essay-length texts your ‘thing?’

Probably not.

Now amplify all this with multiple conversations and you’ll start to understand why some women get impatient with lazy, uninspired, or annoying texts from men.

The point? Reduce the cognitive load or the amount of mental bandwidth while texting.

2. Respect everyone’s time

Typically, I’ve found there’s zero need to drag out a conversation for longer than necessary.

Real connection isn’t built through text. It’s one of the reasons I hate long distance relationships and why these aren’t really relationships. So, at best, texting can only maintain a pre-existing bond.

And anything leading up to setting up a date through text is mostly just fluff that serves little purpose.

A lot of it is fluff, but flirting, a little bit of banter, and ‘getting to know one another’ is still necessary.

Someone might say though, “But I need to know who I’m talking to before I meet them in person.”

I get that. It’s important to know who you’re meeting.

Endless chit-chat isn’t going to do that for you. Show interest through text, deepen the conversation, and then ask her out.

Otherwise, don’t waste your time.

Keep in mind:

Keep things concise and clear
You’re not trying to write a novel; save the long-winded, overbearing messages for Facebook
Step back when necessary and set limits for how much time you’re messaging people

3. Be more intentional with your texting

If you don’t have a clear purpose for what you’re trying to do, you’ll end up anywhere (and most likely, not where you want to be).

If an airliner gets 1 to 2% off course, by the end of the journey, they could be hundreds of miles away from their destination. That’s why there are computers and pilots to keep the plane on course.

Texting is similar.

Before you know it, if you aren’t mindful, a conversation can mutate into something you never planned, and sometimes it can be impossible to reverse course.

She won’t go out with you or come over. And now you’re frustrated and confused, and you don’t learn anything.

Other questionable choices

I knew someone who decided to ‘friend’ a woman on Facebook immediately after they matched online. His reason? None in particular.

To him, it seemed like the next rational thing to do. Not only is this completely unnecessary, but it’s also cringe and a bit strange.

Hell, even I felt a little weirded out when a girl I had started seeing found my last name, looked me up and found my Substack and Medium newsletters, so this isn’t exclusive to men.

Back to the story of that dude, shortly after he ‘friended’ her, she ghosted him.

Maybe it was a coincidence, but probably not.

I’m not suggesting you over think or analyze every move, just be mindful of what you say or do.

Every output needs an input.

And if that input is trash, don’t expect anything good to come out of it.

Sure, you’ll get lucky once in a while.

But you can’t just throw mud on the wall and hope for consistency. That’s a surefire way to either end up in a toxic relationship, get poor results, or none at all.

Consider:

Why am I sending this?
What’s my goal here?
What do I want to happen next? ← If you forget everything from this article, at least remember this.

What’s the next step in the process? A date? Do you want her to come over and have sex? Are you wanting her to send pictures of herself? Is your goal to make her laugh?

When men don’t communicate with women clearly, this is how they end up in the friend zone and waste time in the ‘talking stage.’

4. Speed and timing are more important than you think it is in dating

In dating, speed is your best friend. You don’t have to rush things, but going slow isn’t helpful either.

The typical advice on “when should I text her” is that you have to wait a couple of days. Makes no fucking sense to me, but whatever.

There’s probably a stupid Reddit thread somewhere going on right now debating this topic.

While they’re wasting time arguing on the internet, they could just learn from their mistakes and find out when and how to text. But all I know is I’ve never gotten a date by waiting around.

Important: The clock is ticking! In general, after you get her number, you have between three and seven days to get her out on a date before the trail goes cold. The longer you put it off, the less likely it is you’ll meet up with her.

— Connell Barret, Dating Sucks, but You Don’t

You don’t create attraction by cycling through the same boring texts and conversations. It just doesn’t work that way. Nor does hoarding her number in your phone do anyone any good.

Here’s the thing, she’s probably not thinking about you as much as you are about her. But I could bet if she’s sitting next to you IRL on date, now she’s thinking about you.

But as a number in her phone… Not so much. She’s already got twenty other things going on.

And you’re low on that priority. So, by the time you get back to her (assuming you’ve waited days and days), she might have even forgotten your name.

So again, why are you waiting around? There’s no rule that says you can’t go out on a date on the first day. Nor is there any rule that says you have to wait days to text.

5. Phrases, words and behaviors to avoid

There’s not a perfect formula for all this.

I’ve noticed that what works with one girl may not work with another. But I have seen a general pattern. Some behaviors will more than likely kill the connection before it even has a chance to get off the ground.

Asking things like:

“What do you like to do for fun?”

“What do you do for work?”

“What are you up to?”

Are a waste of time.

Yeah, these might seem like innocent, normal questions, but they’re also fucking boring. Plus, when you rely on these topics or jump straight to them ‘inorganically,’ it kills the vibe.

It’s lazy, uninspiring, and screams “I don’t know how to actually communicate.”

Dating isn’t a job interview.

Try to be a bit less serious. Be more fluid, charming, and flirtatious, and weave these questions in naturally.

Also:

Never use texting or communication to get someone to like you or to get them to think ‘you’re good enough.’

You’re already good enough, all you have to do is show your natural humor.

For example, let’s say the topic of pets comes up. She has a pet, and she asks you if you have any. Instead of being boring and predictable by saying “Oh, I have two cats as well.”

You could liven things up by saying: “I saw you had ‘Cat’ listed on your profile. I thought I’d ask because I have two miniature tigers who live rent-free in my home.”

Can you spot the difference?

Option 1 moves the conversation along but is boring.

Option 2 achieves the same goal but keeps things imaginative.

Use her profile to your advantage.

When texting on dating apps, I used to struggle with an opener. So I’d go the ‘Please completely ignore my message’ route and text “Hey.”

Using her profile pictures or bio to your advantage serves a few purposes.

A) It removes most of the guesswork and overthinking involved

B) Personalized messages show you’re paying attention and actually care

C) Similar to IRL compliments, direct, authentic comments go a long way compared to generic, vague compliments

6. Asking her out on a date

Here’s a couple of my own examples.

They could use improvement, but results matter more than finesse. The context might be vague, but in these two examples, this led to dates and sex.

“I figured I’d also go ahead and ask to go on a date with you… Let’s do coffee first and then play it by ear.”

“You seem like a cool chick, why don’t we grab coffee so we can fuel our addictions together?” ← Notice how I added a bit of playfulness here?

(Yeah. I like coffee dates. They’re cheap and easier to implement a second location afterward)

A couple of things:

Stop using phrases like “If you want to…” or “Maybe we could…” at the end of your messages or conversations. Women respect and appreciate directness and confidence, not uncertainty and hesitancy.

This is unhelpful too: “Let me know if you want to [grab drinks] sometime.”

Sometimes we use weak phrases like “Let me know…” because we’re afraid of rejection or that she’s not available.

So why put the burden on her for organizing the date? You’re the one asking, so get your plans in order.

Also, when you add deprecating comments or negativity it sends the message that you’re not worth her time. It plants the wrong ideas. So how you frame things can completely change the vibe.

Think about it this way, if you say, “I bet you’re imagining [XYZ],” she’s probably going to start thinking about whatever it is you just said.

So again, don’t fuel her mind full of doubt about you.

When you ask a girl out, be prepared to already have a day and time in mind.

Have a few potential time slots open and discuss it further if there’s a scheduling conflict.

Bonus: Have one or two extra places already planned out (or at least thought of) that day in case the date progresses well.

You are the prize. Start acting like it. Confident men don’t neuter their words or act hesitant or unsure of themselves.

Remember,

Texting is a tool, not the main course, it should serve to up a date or maintain light easy-going communication as a temporary substitute
You’ll never ‘win over’ or impress every girl via text, and this isn’t the goal
Always be intentional (not an agenda) with every word or action
Let go of the need to control every outcome, but always be focused on the input

…

If you’ve ever struggled with texting, dating, or relationships, you can read more about this here in my article, The Biggest Mistake Men Are Making with Their Dating Lives.

…

Subscribe to my Substack for greater depth into the psychology behind relationships, letting go, and personal growth.

For weekly content, follow me here on Medium.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***