I originally meant to include this content in my last piece (linked below), but I decided at the last minute to make it into a separate companion piece.
Advice for Good Men Who Have Trouble Attracting Women (Part 1)
The Way of the Selfless Lover
medium.com
When you’re ready, here’s Part 2 of the above piece:
Advice for Good Men Who Have Trouble Attracting Women (Part 2)
You’re here for a reason
medium.com
But since Part 1 is about being a selfless lover, I thought it made sense to insert this companion piece first.
1. Be humble about your penis.
Contrary to what a lot of dudes on dating apps seem to think, it’s not all about giving her the D. Think of it this way: you and your partner are having a party, and your penis is a “special guest” whose job is to show up when the party is already hopping. So then, how do you get the party hopping? By showing her how much you want her to feel good about herself and enjoy her own body.
After all, she’s letting you see her naked. Letting you touch her. That right there is already paradise for you; doesn’t she deserve paradise too?
Doesn’t she deserve to feel awesome for sharing her body with you? Wouldn’t it turn you on to see her — and hear her — writhe in ecstasy, as nature intended? So go ahead and make her feel like she’s found paradise with you! If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you read the following story:
The Altruistic Side of Male Sexuality
Yes, there is such a thing!
medium.com
One of the points I make in that story is:
Now, you might think that keeping my cock on the sidelines while I pleasure my partner must be torture for me. It is not. It does require that I not give in to the temptation to get off right away, but that’s not a sacrifice; it’s an investment that starts paying off right away. The immediate payoff is the insanely gratifying thrills I get from honoring and celebrating her body and what it can do for her.
The more joy you take in making your partner feel like she’s found a doorway to heaven, the easier it is to keep your penis out of play (until you and she feel the time is right). Which is good, because nothing will make you feel more like a lover than knowing that, when a woman gives you access to her body, you can take all the desire welling up inside you and channel it into showing her that you genuinely care about her sexual fulfillment. But it’s good for a few other reasons as well. A few BIG reasons.
First, in my experience, the more selfless you are in pleasuring her without using your penis, the more she’ll look forward to having your penis inside her, and the more pleasurable she’ll find it.
(Fun fact: you might not know this unless you’ve experienced it firsthand, but a woman’s vagina can contract to fit very snugly around a man’s penis, as if the two were custom made for each other. Of course, for this to happen, the woman has to be very aroused and very into what she and her partner are doing.) Second, your “happy ending” will be even happier (more intense and mind-blowing) than if you’d gotten off as soon as possible. Third, what happens when a woman associates your penis with pleasure, on account of you never trying to put it inside her until she’s already feeling like she’s in paradise? Here’s a hint: one of my partners told me (on more than one occasion): “I wish there was a way I could have your cock inside my pussy and my mouth at the same time!” Oh, and I’ve never once asked anyone to give me a blowjob — yet each of my partners has been orally affectionate with my manhood. (I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask for BJs. But a woman is more likely to give you one enthusiastically if you show her first how important her pleasure is to you.)
2. Make her feel safe and sexy.
Having read Tip #1, you might now be looking for concrete tips on how to pleasure a woman. If so, you should check out this post by
JD
. It contains links to a number of different articles on the topic, written by women for men. That being said, it’s important to understand that pleasuring a woman is about more than technique; it’s about creating a vibe. The vibe I recommend you go for is making her feel both safe and sexy. She wants you to be hot for her (the sexy side of the equation), but she also wants to know that she matters to you as a fellow human being (the safe side of the equation).
A major part of how I create this vibe with a woman is through kissing and caressing her. Even as I’m pleasuring her lady parts, there’s kissing and caressing involved. I don’t just lick and suck on her boobs; I kiss them too. And I caress her back. I also caress her back when I’m fingering her. And when I’m loving on her boobs and fingering her at the same time? I caress her back then too! As for when I’m going down on her, one of the things I do down there is kiss her pussy. Kiss it all over. And in that position, I’ll caress her thighs (and sometimes her boobs). I especially enjoy kissing her lady parts; it feels like I’m honoring her womanhood in a very intimate way.
I don’t just want to send pleasure coursing through her body; I want her to feel that her body is sacred.
Another benefit of kissing and caressing is that I find it helps her body and mine get in sync. The more in sync our bodies are, the more our movements just flow naturally, without us having to think about it too much. Sooner or later, we get to a point where it feels so natural to fill the void in her pussy with my cock, almost as if our two bodies are doing it on their own.
Making your partner feel safe and sexy makes for very hot sex. Not only does it intensify the connection you two feel together; it invites her mind and body to let go of any inhibitions that might make it hard for her to come.
3. A good lover never lets his ego get in the way of a woman’s orgasm.
It’s more important to him that his partner have an orgasm (or two, or three, or more…) than that he be able to take credit for it.Christine Stevens tells of a time when she was playing with her own clit during sex with a man. Her partner tried to get her to stop, because he thought that he alone should be enough to get her to come. To say that that backfired would be an understatement; it killed the mood for her completely. And what makes that story even sadder is that she was playing with her clit as she was riding his cock! So if he had just let her come doing what she was doing, he would’ve been a part of it.
If a woman plays with her clit during sex with you, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It could mean there’s room for improvement on your part, but that’s okay, because she knows her body better than you do. (And if she expects you to know her body better than she does, then she’s the one who’s being unreasonable.) So always be humble (and willing to learn).
Sometimes, a woman just wants to pleasure herself because she knows exactly how she wants to be touched in that moment.
That’s okay. Just let it happen, and enjoy the show! You might learn something from it too.
4. Vibrators aren’t your competition.
What I said in Tip #3 applies to vibrators as well. And if you think you can provide the kind of pressure on her clit that a vibrator can, from the same angle, at the same speed, for the same length of time…yeah, that’s a competition you’re simply not gonna win. (No human can.) But you don’t have to.
As I wrote in my last post:
Sex is about people giving each other something that they can’t get just by masturbating on their own.
Let me share with you an exchange I had with a woman named Sasha in the comments section of a post that illustrates how a vibrator can be a man’s best friend. Sasha wrote:
The reason I don’t use [a vibrator] is because I want my man to be able to get me off. And if I am used to a vibrator, I figure no man could possibly emulate that level of stimulation to get me off. Am I wrong? If a woman is used to a vibrator, can a guy still get her off with his natural tools?
I replied:
I get where you’re coming from (no pun intended). My only experience with a vibrator is this one partner of mine who liked to finish off with a squirting orgasm, and she found that a vibrator was the best way to get there. But otherwise, I’d always use my own natural “tools” to get her off. And even when she used a vibrator, she still wanted me to suck on her boobs and finger her while the vibrator did its thing.
By the way, I believe the most important of my natural tools is my passion. My “style” as a lover is to pour my passion into making my partner feel like her body is this beautiful, wondrous gift that was given to her, FOR HER, and that enjoying it is her birthright. It feels intensely romantic to love on her boobs and her pussy with my fingers, lips, and/or tongue, and unless both my hands are engaged in pleasuring her, I use at least one of them to caress her as I pleasure her. All the while, I keep my cock on the sidelines until I’m convinced her pussy is feeling very happy, and only then do I go for penetration (unless she initiates it first). So while a man might not be able to compete with a vibrator in purely physical terms, if he creates the right vibe for you, his own tools might be enough to get you off, even if you also like to use a vibrator.
She answered back:
Ben — that is extremely appealing. I am sure the ladies appreciate you!
(I then felt obligated to mention that the only lady who gets to appreciate me that way is my wife!) Notice what I said is the most important of my natural “tools”. It isn’t my penis. It isn’t any other body part — not even my tongue. It’s my passion. No vibrator (or any other inanimate object) can even begin to compete with me on passion, because only a being with a soul can have any passion to begin with. And note the response I got from Sasha: she found it “extremely appealing” and figured that the women I’ve been with must appreciate it.
You see, women can pleasure themselves, but they crave a connection with another soul who sees them as worthy of being pleasured.
So there are things that you, my good man, can give a woman that no vibrator (or other sex toy) ever could…but only if you value her bliss more than your own ego.
5. Become a “vagetarian”.
Embrace the power of going down on a woman. The fragrance and flavor of her pussy may take some getting used to, but it’s totally worth it. To quote Jonatha Cz (from a piece she wrote here):
Receiving oral sex feels amazing. There might be nothing better, and it’s pretty hard to screw up unless you are trying to screw it up like some kind of psychopath.
But here’s the thing:
It’s not just about the sensations she gets from the stimulation of her clit.
Remember what I said earlier about making a woman feel safe and sexy? Well, if she opens her legs for you and you show her pussy love, tenderness, respect, & reverence, will that encourage her to feel safe with you? And sexy? (Hint: Yes and yes!) And if she associates opening her legs for you with her pussy feeling loved, desired, and sacred, will that incentivize her to get naked with you on future occasions? Um … hell yes!!!
6. When your cock finally goes inside her, let go.
Don’t be afraid to fuck her with abandon, because that communicates how much you want her and how much being inside her turns you on. (And based on my experience, if you make a woman feel both sexy and safe, she’ll usually want you to fuck her hard.) But understand this: you’re not a human dildo, nor is it your job to be one. Porn encourages both men & women to think that when it’s penis-in-vagina time, the man’s job is to stay hard as long as possible, like it’s some kind of endurance contest. Well, I call bullshit.
If you’ve been selflessly helping your partner feel like she’s in heaven, then there’s nothing dishonorable about just reveling in the sensation of being inside her, without worrying about your “performance”.
You’ve earned it. You shouldn’t have to count baseball stats in your head or think any other thoughts that take you out of the moment just to keep from coming “too soon”. You have the right to stay in the moment. Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to last longer, but the time to work on that is outside of having sex (performing exercises that help, making dietary adjustments…that sort of thing). When you’re inside her, just enjoy it.
And don’t hold back on being vocal. You want to hear her enjoying herself, right? Well, she probably feels the same way about you!
According to Emma Austin (in a piece she wrote here):
Guys being too quiet during sex is a common complaint from women. It’s probably also why audio porn is becoming so popular — we’ve gotta get those vocalizations somewhere.
She explains it thusly:
We want [men] to lose their minds. We want to know that fucking us is so good they can barely contain themselves.
…it’s really arousing to see someone lose themselves in their pleasure. I love knowing what I’m doing to a guy feels so good he can’t help but let those sounds escape. Hearing it makes me feel desired, wanted, and attractive.
I also find vulnerability really sexy (a lot of women do) and a guy who is loud during sex is more attractive than a guy who is being guarded. It shows that you’re not too embarrassed and insecure to show your honest reactions.
So let out those moans and those cries of “Oh God”. Tell her how beautiful she is, how you love being inside her, etc. (By the way, making noise isn’t just for when your manhood is inside her. For instance, say you’re fingering her and have a great view of her pussy. Let her know how much that view is turning you on! The more desired she feels, and the more turned on you get by pleasuring her, the easier it will be for her to come.)
Now, there is one caveat: letting go does NOT mean ejaculating inside her vagina. Because, as you know, that can lead to life-changing consequences — for both of you. Don’t be one of those assholes who thinks, “She opened her legs for me, so she must’ve been ready and willing to take responsibility for what happens if she gets pregnant.” (If that’s what you think, then no woman should open her legs for you unless she wants you to give her a baby. Is that how you want women to treat you?) Ideally, the two of you will talk first and get on the same page regarding how not to get her pregnant. Otherwise, it’s on you to make sure your semen doesn’t get inside her vagina.
…
One thing I haven’t mentioned is the fact that your partner may have her own ideas. (Well, I guess I implied that when I talked about women playing with their own clits during sex with you…) What if she’s ready to have your manhood inside her sooner than you anticipated? What if she wants your cock in her mouth, even before you’ve gone down on her? Don’t worry about it! Just go with it and have fun!
I won’t lie: a lot of women do expect a man to take the lead in lovemaking — at least at first. The tips here will help you get comfortable with that. But it doesn’t mean you always need to be in the driver’s seat.
The more you make a woman feel safe and sexy, the more likely she’ll be to allow herself to take a more active role.
Remember that most women still worry about being slut-shamed. By treating her like it’s her birthright as a human being to enjoy her own body, you can actually help liberate her from that fear.
You can be a selfless lover, or you can worry about your manliness, but you can’t do both. A selfless lover can touch a woman’s soul. But that level of lovemaking is absolutely incompatible with the mindset that sex is an arena in which to prove your manhood. That mindset is a symptom of how we live in a society that turns boys & men into hollow shells while also making the world unsafe for girls & women. Finding and embracing the selfless lover in you can actually help you break free from all that. If you grew up a fan of the original Star Wars trilogy, as I did, then the word “rebel” probably has heroic connotations for you. In this day and age, to be a selfless lover is to be a rebel. It’s a noble act of defiance against all that’s not right in the world.
Thank you for reading!
Ben
© Benjamin Rosenthal 2023
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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