Ask most people if they’re good lovers and they will say yes.
Women have been told that all they need to do is show up naked (and willing) and they’re automatically good in bed, and men watch hair-trigger porn stars screaming in apparent pleasure (or is it pain?) at the man tossing them around and jackhammering into them.
Sorry to tell you, but 10% of men — and nearly 50% of women — do not experience orgasm during intercourse with a partner. (This mainly applies to heterosexual encounters; that number drops for women in lesbian encounters to only 35% not experiencing orgasm.)
Sure, achieving orgasm isn’t the only reason to engage in a sexual encounter: think procreation, playfulness and fun, establishing or strengthening connection, and exploration.
And just because someone does achieve orgasm, it still doesn’t necessarily mean their partner is an excellent lover, especially when up to 80% of women had admitted to faking their pleasure just to end the encounter (without lashback).
So how can you tell if you’re actually a good lover? People who are rated as excellent in bed by their partner share these traits:
- You make your partner feel like they are safe with you.
This doesn’t just mean physically safe, though it encompasses that, but also emotionally, financially, and spiritually safe. You act with integrity and follow through with what you promise. You don’t pass judgment on their past. You don’t try to shame them or belittle them or, if you’re cohabiting, spend oodles of money without consulting them. You don’t blow smoke up their buttholes unnecessarily, but you also make every attempt to lift them up and see (and praise) the good in them. - You’re a good communicator (and more importantly, a good listener).
- Before you hit the sheets, you find out if you’re on the same page with your partner, as far as boundaries go, and what you’re both curious and willing to try. You listen intently to what they communicate too.
You care about the other person’s comfort/boundaries/pleasure/joy. Once you’re in bed together (euphemism here; this isn’t restricted to the bedroom), you don’t just endlessly do what you want to do with their bodies. You don’t just do what you’ve seen in porn; you ask them what they like, you watch and listen for feedback on your techniques, and you adjust accordingly. - You’re a little bit selfish.
This one is controversial, but hear me out. If you’re going to be a good lover, you need to know what you like, and you need to be able to convey that to your partner. You need to be able to communicate and maintain your boundaries, and you need to be unapologetic about it. - You’re able to sink into the moment.
The best lovers are able to put aside their long list of to-dos and be grounded in their bodies. They are able to be present and in the moment with their partners and can connect on a deeper level. - You understand that foreplay doesn’t just begin when you’re about to get frisky, but is an all-day affair.
You trail your fingers across your partner’s shoulders as you walk by them. You plant a kiss on their neck or the top of their head in passing. You offer to get them a refill on their drink when you get up to refill yours. You carry your share of the emotional (and physical!) labor in your relationship, pitching in to clean your space together or making a list and shopping for groceries and cooking dinner and then cleaning up. You listen to them vent when they’re stressed and hold them when they’re sad (without trying to get into their pants).
In short, the best lovers make their partners feel like a person that they enjoy spending time around and not just a collection of body parts.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Dainis Graveris on Unsplash