It starts young, really.
We weren’t taught how to love. We were taught how to tolerate. How to hope. How to stay.
Watching fairy tales where love looks like rescue.
Listening to love songs that glorify pain.
Hearing grown-ups say things like “relationships are hard” – and thinking maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.
So you grow up believing that love means waiting, fixing, surviving, proving.
You bend. You break. You make excuses.
You stay in places that drain you, calling it loyalty.
You keep confusing tension for passion. Silence for peace. Loneliness for independence!
And it’s not your fault.
Because we were never taught the truth.
We were just fed stories.
Pretty ones.
Dangerous ones.
1. “If they wanted to, they would!”
Sometimes although they want to. They just…… won’t.
Not because you’re not worth it.
But because they’re not ready.
Because they don’t know how to show up. Because showing up requires more than attraction – it requires work.
Wanting someone doesn’t mean they’re willing to do what it takes to keep you safe, seen, or respected.
And that’s the part no one tells us.
2. “Love should be hard!”
No, it shouldn’t.
Hard isn’t romantic.
Love might require effort, yes – but it should never feel like war.
The hard part should be the life part – not the loving each other part.
If it constantly feels like you’re proving your worth just to keep someone around, that’s just not love.
That’s survival.
3. “Someone out there will complete you!”
You’re not missing pieces, please!
That ache you feel? That longing? It’s not someone-shaped.
It’s you asking you to come home.
Love doesn’t complete you!
It meets you. Exactly where you are. As you are.
But only after you stop begging someone else to give you what you’ve never given yourself.
4. “Jealousy means they care!”
No. Jealousy means fear. Insecurity. Control.
It’s not sweet. It’s not sexy.
It’s not love!
If someone loves you, they want you to feel free – not watched.
Love isn’t about ownership.
It’s about trust!
5. “You’ll just know!”
Sometimes, you won’t!
Sometimes, healthy love feels boring at first – not because it is, but because you’ve been conditioned to crave chaos.
You mistake calm for disconnection.
You second-guess safety.
You miss the drama – because you thought love meant adrenaline.
It doesn’t!
Sometimes love feels like quiet mornings.
Like exhaling. Like peace.
And if you’ve never felt that before, it might not register as love right away.
But that doesn’t make it any less real, you know!
6. “No one’s perfect!”
Yes, that’s true but imperfection is not the same as emotional unavailability.
Yes, people mess up. But some patterns aren’t just human flaws – they’re signs someone can’t meet you where you need to be met.
Stop calling harm a mistake.
Stop calling emptiness a rough patch.
Stop shrinking your needs just to keep something that barely holds together.
7. “Love will come when you stop looking!”
Sometimes, sure!
But most times, love comes when you stop settling.
When you stop begging for crumbs.
When you stop folding yourself in half to be chosen.
When you finally choose yourself – not in a self-help kind of way, but in a quiet, radical way that says –
You know what, I’m not waiting.
I’m not performing.
I’m not going to suffer in hopes that someone might eventually love me right.
I’ll just love me now. Fully.
So that love, when it comes, has no choice but to rise to that level.
Love isn’t supposed to hurt like that.
It’s not supposed to confuse you, shrink you, silence you.
It’s supposed to see you for you!
But to get there, you have to unlearn every lie that told you pain was proof of passion – and realize – real love is nothing like the stories.
It’s better.
Quieter.
And it starts with you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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