I hear from a lot of men that women are complicated. They gripe and moan about their intricacies, whining and wishing they were more like us.
I’ve always hated being at bars where grown men gather with their counterparts to complain about their significant others, whether that be a girlfriend, fiance, or spouse. It’s why I seldom go out nowadays.
I personally want to enjoy myself when I’m consuming a craft beer or tequila shots in public. I don’t want to talk trash about the person I refer to as my significant other in a manner that makes them seem insignificant.
It looks sad to rely on alcohol to be honest about your relationship woes, especially when the person you’re talking to 1) has similar woes and 2) can’t help you with your own.
Women aren’t complicated; they’re complex. Where men are a straightaway on a major highway, women are the equivalent of an entire interstate, chalk-full of curves, intersections, roundabouts, etc., similar to the photo below.
The easiest way to understand women is to learn how to listen globally. What does that mean? Simply put, it’s listening with more than your ears; it’s listening with your whole self.
It’s suspending the urge to respond while someone else is talking. It’s listening to listen rather than listening to respond.
When someone else is talking, are you fully attentive, or are you formulating your response to what they’re saying? If you’re anything but fully invested in their words, then you haven’t mastered the art of global listening, and that can lead to more heartache and heartbreak than necessary.
After all, women are master communicators who enjoy communicating with people, especially loved ones. If you’re the main guy in their life, try it out.
Global listening has enabled me to pick up on what it is woman truly want, even when those wants are subtle in nature. So, without any further ado, here are seven qualities women subtly look for in men.
1) Confidence
No women wants to be with a man that lacks confidence. There’s a fine line to tow here, as too little is a turn off, while too much is arrogance — again, a turn off. It’s hard being a woman in what many consider a male-dominated world.
And it’s somewhat scary. Imagine being surrounded by creatures that can physically subdue you without much effort day in and day out. Women want to be with a man who’s sure of himself enough to keep her happy, protected, safe, and overall makes it possible for her to be her best self day in and day out — without too much effort on their part.
Questions to ask yourself to assess whether or not you have enough confidence — can you handle rejection? How do you respond to being tested, especially during the elementary phases of dating? Do you know how to take the lead gracefully?
2) Feng shui
Most guys ignore this, and it drives me crazy personally. What is feng shui? It’s the aesthetic appeal of your dwelling place. It’s having paintings on the walls that have meaning, furniture, then accent furniture, color schemes, and so much more.
Most women are very good about this, which is why guys prefer to go over to their place during the dating phase. It’s also why, when married, most men let their wives do whatever they want to their homes and just live with it. At the very least, if you don’t have the skills to impress in this domain, how about being part of the process?
I learned how to decorate my dwelling places after my freshmen year of college, taking tips and pointers from my female friends. Personally, I always enjoyed being in their dorm rooms more than my own. The overall vibe made it easy to relax and eventually drift off into a blissful sleep.
The lights hung up on the walls, the alluring aromas, it all made me want to create an ambiance in my space that would make staying there more enjoyable than it had been up to that point. I haven’t been the same since.
3) Emotional availability
As a guy, have you ever found yourself in a situation where it seemed like your significant other was trying too hard to pry information out of you? More likely than not, she wasn’t; she was trying to connect emotionally.
I don’t know any women who are blunt enough with their communication (unless they’re upset or in the middle of a fight) to spell everything out to the guy in their life. Instead, they’ll subtly try to get you to understand that all they’re seeking out is to connect on an emotional level.
Emotional availability is being able to express how you’re feeling at any given moment without hesitation. Why hold back or bottle up feelings from the person you claim to love more than life itself?
4) Great listener
Like I said earlier on, women LOVE to communicate. They make small talk look like there are levels and dimensions to it. As someone who has three sisters and grew up surrounded by women, I know a great deal about this.
Conversations about the weather can lead to clothes, segue into work, then end with relationships…only to continue whenever a new topic is introduced.
As a man, you may not want to talk as much as they do. That’s where superb listening skills come into play. Don’t ever make them feel bad for wanting to communicate; it’s in their nature! Adopt a global listening philosophy; you may be surprised at how, after doing so, you may have a wealth of contributions to make to your conversations.
5) Self-starter/motivated
No two people are the same, but almost everyone I know despises the idea of ending up with someone that the label lazy can apply to. At the top of this list are women, especially married women.
When you hear the term self-starter, what comes to mind? If it’s solely limited to work, then your scope of understanding may need some development. That is a great place to start. It helps get bills paid and ensures the love of your life doesn’t have any financial concerns.
But what about being a holistic self-starter? Do you come home from work and expect your spouse to take care of everything domestic, or are you privy to the fact that they might need, or want, some assistance from you (especially if they themselves work too)?
A motivated man knows how to take care of himself, his business, and any affairs that encompass himself and his paramour. He doesn’t dump things on her or assume she’ll have it taken care of; if anything, he defers to getting tasks completed before she even has to lift a finger. Why? Because that’s what self-starters do!
6) Clean shoes
Why is this on the list? This is something I have noticed, and you can take it or leave it. Simply put, your sense of style is a reflection of who you are as an individual. Who are you more inclined to treat kindly and give your time of day— the person whose appearance is disheveled, or the one who has some sense of coordination?
Women are even more analytical, especially when it comes to potential mates. They look at everything and take it all in, from the crown of your head to the bottom of your shoes.
Also, it’s easier to have clean clothes than it is shoes. So whenever women come across as man with clean shoes, it’s a major turn on. Why? Because, to them, it says you know how to take care of your possessions.
If you can take care of a pair of tennis shoes you love, then how much more tender, compassionate, and attentive will you be when the possession becomes a person?
Take it from me (a self-proclaimed sneakerhead); women LOVE men who know how to take care of their shoes! But only if it’s a reflection of your care-taking skills and not simply empty vanity.
7) Men who pick up on their subtle nature
This is the hardest for most guys to comprehend, so I’ll use an example.
I know an older couple that used to live in the same neighborhood as me, before I relocated to one that more fully encompassed a younger demographic. About two months before December, the older gentleman’s wife started talking about Christmas.
In spite of her age, you could see the excitement on her face; she clearly was still in touch with the little girl inside of her. She then did something that confused him — she changed the subject to something benign, only to come back to talking about gifts.
Without explicitly saying it, Birkenstocks were brought up. She mentioned her favorite color in conjunction, then stated that black would probably look best. Her husband, oblivious, simply stated, “Yeah, I guess so.” In my mind, I immediately knew that she was hinting at what she’d like for Christmas.
Why don’t women just tell us what they want? Why do they have to be overly complicated? These are some of the more commonly asked questions whenever guys find themselves in similar situations.
Women aren’t being complicated when they do this. Most of the time, it’s to see if we as males are paying as much attention to them as they’d like, not as much as we think they deserve; the two are NOT one and the same. It’s a subtle form of pursuit — can you get me what I want without me having to tell you all the time?
While it sounds stupid, if you pay more attention, and then take action, you’d be surprised at how much better your relationship will get, irrespective of how long you’ve been together or what your age is.
I’m not a know-it-all. After all, I’m only 28-years-old. But in my 28 years, I’ve made it a point to pay close attention to women in an attempt to understand them better than most males. It’s my sincerest hope that this article will help more men and women get along better in their respective relationships, or acquire skills to make themselves as men more marketable to a broader range of women.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Invading Kingdom on Unsplash