Please don’t rinse away your gray and Botox your smile lines. They look great on you.
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I’ve grown immune to the use of sex to sell products. I can’t tell you who the starlet of the week is. I’m immune to beer commercials and other “buy this product and have sex with hot hard bodies” advertisements. What I find attractive has aged along with me.
I have no more interest in 20 year-olds than they have in me. Flirty young waitresses just embarrass me, but you wouldn’t know that from commercials, movies, and television. According to pop culture, all I want is a girl gone wild.
And because pop culture insists on making every woman believe that she isn’t beautiful if she isn’t a teenaged size zero, and on making every man doubt his virility if he’s not chasing (and catching) supermodels, I decided to break the man code and tell you the truth about what I find attractive.
I love the gray in your hair, not only because it’s a beautiful color but because you are comfortable enough to be yourself. Okay, it makes me a bit more comfortable with the gray in my beard. Yeah, I admit it.
I love the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes and mouth. You’ve spent a lifetime smiling, which means you might give my nerdy jokes a mercy laugh.
I love that your jaw line has softened. You were always beautiful, but that young, angular face lacked gravitas.
I love your glasses, and not in a Van Halen “Hot for Teacher” sort of way. Well, a little bit in a “Hot For Teacher” sort of way, but mostly because they say, “I’m getting older, too,” better than Stevie Nicks ever could.
I love your belly. It’s soft and womanly and without pretense. It’s a belly that loves life, not vanity. “It’s unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same,” Pulp Fiction’s Fabienne tells the Seagram’s Wine Coolers guy, and if you don’t get that reference you’re way too young for me. Seldom doesn’t mean never. I’ll take curves any day.
I love that you don’t care what people think about what you read, watch, or listen to. Those facades we hauled around as younger people were exhausting.
I love that you let me adore you. I shouldn’t complain, but it’s hard sometimes to be a man. I’m not your boss, your competition, or your coworker. I’m not The Man trying to keep you down or put you in your place. I just want to open the door for you because it’s polite. I want to pick up the check, open the jars, hold your hand. There’s no gender politics at work. That you realize that says everything about your character.
We age, embrace it. Kindness, humor, confidence, and intelligence mean so much more than anti-gravity breasts, six pack abs, and a heart shaped behind.
Female beauty as portrayed in pop culture is timeless because there’s always another 20 year-old waiting for her big break, starving herself, living at the gym, surgically adding, removing, or shifting parts around. They are a visual lie, these pop culture goddesses, women but then again not.
Inevitably they aren’t real but you are, and you are absolutely beautiful.
Feeling left out, guys? Check out Sim Carter’s 7 Reasons Older Women Love Older Men.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Thank you for this. While I just left my 17-year marriage because as it turns out my husband (we are both 46) actually was interested in 20-year-old girls (my oldest son was also 20 at the time), I am looking forward to the future and finding love again with a man as you describe in this piece. I know they are out there!
Again, thank you for reaffirming my belief that not all men are the same despite what the media will have us believe.
In ALL societies men are far more attracted to younger and more fertile women. This is universal and can not be changed so complaining about it and influences from the media etc. is meaningless. The same goes for symmetry and for the body shape with about 0,7 waist to hip ratio in men and a similar relationship between a mans hips and shoulders. Not only is all this true in all the many cultures where this has been tested today it is also seen in the art from thousands of years ago. The only thing that does change somewhat is… Read more »
“In ALL societies men are far more attracted to younger and more fertile women.” Once again the fertility bullshit. Being attracted to sexually mature females, yes. Fertile, though? We can not judge it solely on looks. Male in all nature could care less about fertility, age or body shape… as long as the female is willing, there will be hordes of males ready to copulate with her. Now it is females that choose by looks. In fact, that is much more desirable when females only copulate with young males, as their sperm is the only valuable. That goes for humans… Read more »
To be honest, I’m so glad to be beyond thinking I have to be “perfect” to attract a man. To most men it’ll always be about how a woman looks rather than who she is.
It’s a relief, a feeling of freedom to not have to be stared at as though being nothing more than a juicy piece of meat, a pair of breasts and nothing more.
Have at it guys. For me it got old at about age 16. I have no use for the way most men view women.
To all the women who think it is terribly unfair that so many men are naturally attracted to younger rather than older women, I offer you this little experiment: Go to your local bookstore, and browse the ROMANCE section. In case you don’t know, that’s the biggest selling category in publishing, and the market for those books is WOMEN. Now, just look at a bunch of cover art on the paperback…and let us know what your research finds. Specifically, how many aging, balding, wrinkling, men are depicted on the covers? How many guys with droopy eyelids, pouchy bellies, etc do… Read more »
And not one single body hair on any of them….
Fair enough. Men consume media where women are portrayed as hairless over 99% of the times. And they also expect women to be like that in real life and many (probably most) would actually turn down women who don’t shave even though most men don’t shave as well.
I know, I know, most men maybe would not turn down Angelina Jolie if she was hairy, but I am talking about regular women here, not the ones men want and dream about because of their goddess-like looks…
Nice one, Paul ^_^
Women don’t read these books because the cover, man. Many times the covers will have only a picture of a pretty woman, too. What about now? Are these women closeted lesbians/bisexuals? Ha.
They are after the stories. These stories are usually about handsome guys… who end up with pretty young women. These books are not about older homely women dating handsome younger guys, even. People read books to get a ride to another world, usually, and that is all. Books don’t have to be contain stories that are extensions of our deep dreams and desires.
Very true, and beautifully put.
A man still ought to be a little diplomatic about this subject. I’d avoid using the phrase “older woman” too much when speaking to her. “I think older women like you are really beautiful” may not go over very well…. 🙂
Another winner: “I love you regardless of how you look.”
Even worse: “I don’t like young, toned, wrinkle-free bodies. I prefer bodies like yours instead.”
Thank you for writing this article! I love getting older, even more so that I now have someone I love to get older with. Every change draws us closer, more to love and more to share. I could never understand the older man’s desire for a young girl. Not only does it sound boring, it sounds exhausting! I want, and thank goodness I have found, someone I can really share my life with, grow old with, share all the changes of our lives; mind, body and soul with… love to the end. I have never been so blessed and am… Read more »
Awesome article. I love my older self. I’ve been through a lot to get here and I am so much better then my younger self. We need to celebrate pro-aging and that is certainly a challenge in this anti-aging society we live in.
Oh James, you’re speaking to this 55 year old seasoned woman’s heart. I stopped coloring my hair a few years ago and have become more appreciative of my Goddess body that has more curves than it did in my 20’s. I wouldn’t trade it with all the love it has experienced in the interceding years.
Blissings,
Edie
It’s polite to hold the door for anyone. Why make it into some chauvinist type of gallantry?
Pick up the check? Get a grip.
Is this only for men that have been with their partners for a long time? What about single women who are past the age of 25? Do men still feel the same way or is only reserved for those relationships where at one point she was young for you at least?
Hi, Erin: I rarely read the comments section because honestly they can get pretty ugly, but your question caught my eye and it’s too important to pass up. I didn’t write this about any one person so from my perspective this has nothing to do with longevity of relationships, nor does it speak to seeing faded youth reflected in a significant other’s face or some such. All I’m really trying to say is that in my case (as I’m the only one for whom I can speak), what I find beautiful has remained consistent with my age. I have no… Read more »
Thank you for taking the additional time to answer my quetsion James. There are a lot of comments online, alot on websites that are about dating/relationships, where there are a lot of judgements about women’s age. One of the popular ones is that as a woman, you better get into a relationship *young*, so that the guy can have some part of your youth to hold onto as you get older. So I sometimes wonder if these comments that I see are true representations of how most men feel and that if men just aren’t that vocal about it to… Read more »
I’m not so sure I understand why it matters what “most men” think, say or do. My experiences (both positive and negative) have been a result of what I have come to expect. I used to be treated quite poorly by men but I learned what I needed to and have a completely different experience now. It’s never about “them”. it’s always about me.
I see what your saying Joyce, I agree and don’t agree. Common mind sets about any group of people affect the culture we live in. If most people believe something about African-Americans in general, it affects the culture we all live in. That doesn’t mean we doesn’t have control over ourselves individually, but it helps all of us to work toward a world that is more fair to all. I still get treated poorly by men sometimes, but being more experienced, knowing what signs to look for, and learning how to stand up for myself allows me to make better… Read more »
I found myself single at 45 and I can confirm that there are men who are not looking for women in their 20s or 30s. Youth isn’t any kind of requirement for deep abiding love (and lust).
The truth about what goes through the mind of men young and old.
It’s so encouraging to read articles like this, thank you James.
I have recently stripped all the dye out of my hair in a bid to re-acquaint myself with the real me, and It’s amazing the emotions that just that brings up – the fear of other people’s judgements! I’m 42 for goodness sake and still secretly bothered what people will think of my hair and what it ‘says’ about me! Come to think of it, I think I’ll write a blog post on that 😀
Well said, thank you. Are you available? Ha ha.. No seriously, it’s nice to be reminded that what we see in the media doesn’t mirror reality.
This is what my husband tells me everyday. How much more sensual and gorgeous he finds me now than when I was 25. And he really means it. It’s a wonderful thing getting older together 😉
I would give almost anything in the world if my husband,who is one month and sixteen days older than me,felt this way!
James, not only are you are the very best kind of man, but you write so well!! I love this article 🙂
It’s lovely that you love greys and wrinkles but please don’t tell women they’re not “being themselves” if they choose to colour their hair or whatever. I have loved changing my appearance periodically my whole life, and I do it because that is who I am. That said…most of the time I have some greys and I am often just as I was made to be. It is really lovely when mature men appreciate mature women and it’s freeing to see validation of all different kinds of beauty. Let’s leave it at all different kinds. 🙂
I love this article and I think it is a wonderful article. But we also must be careful and not call women who do botox and surgery not real women. Because they are real as well. Underneath the botox and surgery they have reasons why they feel they must do this. Our job going forward is to help them understand that they do not need to change or fix themselves to be beautiful. I am so hopeful that the generations to come will be more confident and love themselves and be able to dismiss societies harmful messages. We are bombarded… Read more »
Older women are certainly to be appreciated and extolled. I value women for their intelligence, spirituality, and deep perspectives on life.
Daily, I see older women with a glow, warm smiles, confident, intelligent, elegant, and just plain beautiful. I feel far more at ease around older women. I don’t have to worry about being labeled a ‘creep.’ They are very engaging with great conversation.
Thanks James for this very warm piece.
James,
Women are bombarded with you’re-not-good-enough messages day in and day out. Your words are disruptive and lovely. I’m listening to Stevie Nicks while wearing my glasses with a big smile on my face in honor of you.
Cheers!
I think there’s a warmth of soul and understanding that comes with age, and it shows in the physical features, like you said: “smile lines.” I wish more women could feel that about themselves as they grow older. My wife gets more beautiful every day; I’m gonna text her that right now. Thanks.
You’re awesome Paul! I’m going to text my husband the same: )
James – I cannot thank you enough for writing this article. I am going to show it to my daughter when she reaches a certain age and hopefully it will help her understand what it truly means to be beautiful. Pop culture is trying very hard to make women think they have to be 20 (or at least look like they are) and weigh 100 pounds to be beautiful and deserving of love. We need more men like you to help erase the damage that’s already been done.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Cheers.
LOve the piece. Getting older I find makes one very comfortable in one’s skin. And although I can definitely appreciate the toned young bodies we all see at the gym and in the media, I very much appreciate the mature ones, especially those that age gracefully. Love makes it so much better and long deep love keeps the one we love beautiful always. Well put James and well done
You know it’s funny, when something is about the beauty of said “toned young bodies”, rarely does a man steps in and become and advocate for other women of other ages or body types.When men look at Playboy, they aren’t saying, “But I definitely also apprecate the beauty of an older woman with their beautiful breasts and nice bodies!”, with the same passion you, and other men talk about said “toned young bodies” . I don’t think men appreciate older women as much as the “toned young bodies”. You’re the second man I’ve seen in a couple days who made… Read more »
Yep!
@Erin,
“I don’t think men appreciate older women as much as the “toned young bodies”.
So true Erin. But also so very sad.
There are many older women who are also toned and fit. Plus they have more confidence, grace, and glow. That’s the best combination. Bar none!
Lets move past “sad” to working on men *truly* looking into themselves and asking themselves what their learned or inherenet beliefs are about women and to consider where they may have come from. Did they come from a mother, father, friends, other women, society? Truly think about it. Think about all the things you may have heard your father or male friends say about women. What factors do you use to determine a woman’s worth? Do you believe women to be less if they aren’t as attractive as the social standard? Do you believe older women have less worth then… Read more »
Maybe I’m being naïve, but I think there’s a real difference between attractiveness and value as a human being. If a man is more attracted to one group of women than another group, that does not automatically mean that he thinks the attractive women are more worthy, more valuable to society, etc. (For example, there are plenty of straight men who are not attracted to men, and that doesn’t mean they discount men’s value as human beings. Being not attracted to someone doesn’t mean a value judgment on their worth. I assume there are plenty of men you find unattractive… Read more »
Wellokaythen, I do think men associate more attractive women with being more worthwhile human beings. We couldn’t even get through an article on older women without a number of men feeling the desire to make sure we all understand how much they still love young hot babes. As if women could ever forget! You guys tell us this crap ALL the freaking time. I have seen men stumble all over themselves to treat a really hot woman a certain way where they will let the proverbial door slam in the face of a less attractive woman. So yes, men do… Read more »
@ Tsach G.,
What about the toned and fit bodies of more graceful, glowing and confident older women? It does not get any better than that my friend!
I LOVE THIS!!!!! James, this is great.