7 Seemingly Nice Gestures That Are Actually Manipulative

It’s easy to spot a manipulator from a mile away, or is it not?

In today’s society, people have become very good at hiding their true intentions.

I’m sure we’ve all encountered someone who was a little too friendly, a little too sweet, or a little too interested in us. At first, it might have seemed flattering. But after a while, you start to feel like this person is just using you.

And chances are, you’re right.

I have had my fair share of manipulative people in my life.

So from my experience, here are 7 fake nice gestures that people use to manipulate you.

…

#1. The Slow Play Trick

The first time I ever played poker was with some friends during a night out in college.

One of my buddies was damn good at it. He had this sly grin and would give nothing away. If he had a great hand, he’d make you think he didn’t. If he had a bad hand, he’d make you feel otherwise. I lost every single hand.

Slow play is a common tactic used by manipulators to string you along. They give just enough information or withhold just enough to keep you interested. But in the dark.

It’s often used as a power play.

The same thing happened when I asked my boss for a raise. He strung me along for weeks, saying he’ll approve it. But he didn’t. I became increasingly anxious and worried that I might not get the raise. After two months, he eventually came back and gave me a small raise, which felt like a victory.

But in reality, he was always going to give me a raise. He just used the slow play method to make me feel grateful.

The best way to deal with the slow play is not to engage in it.

Be direct and honest with people. If they can’t or won’t give you a straight answer, move on.

…

#2. The Loan You Can Never Repay

I had a friend who was always happy to help me move, do odd jobs around my house, or even drive me to the airport. I always tried to repay him somehow, but he would always wave it off and say, “Don’t worry about it.”

After a while, I started to feel guilty — Like I was taking advantage of him.

I tried to repay him in other ways, like buying him dinner or tickets to a show. But he would always decline and say that he didn’t need anything.

Eventually, he asked for something I couldn’t give him — Cover him up for a parking lot accident!

When I said no, he got mad and accused me of never wanting to help him out. That’s when I realized he was manipulating me the whole time.

He used my sense of obligation against me to get what he might want in the future.

Be wary if someone is always doing things for you and never letting you reciprocate. They might try to control you by making you feel indebted to them.

…

#3. The Bait and Switch

The bait and switch is a favorite of car salesmen and used car dealers.

They dangle a low price in front of you to get you in the door. But once you’re there, they start adding on hidden fees and extras. The final price is much higher than what you were originally quoted.

The bait and switch is also common in the world of dating.

A person will pursue you intensely, making you feel special and wanted. But as soon as you get serious, they pull back. They might say they’re not ready for a relationship or need space.

The bait and switch is all about getting what they want while keeping you invested. They use your feelings to their advantage.

The best way to deal with the bait and switch is not to get sucked in by it. Self-love helps.

If someone is being pushy or rushing you, take a step back. Ensure you know what you’re getting into before you commit.

…

#4. The “Guilt-Tripping” Is the Most Common Yet Ignored Manipulative Gesture

Guilt is a powerful emotion. And it’s one that manipulators commonly use to get what they want.

A prime example is when my father guilt trips me into coming home for festivals every year. “Your sisters are coming; why can’t you make it? Do you have any idea how hard your mother works to put this all together? It’s not easy, you know.”

I fold every time. What kind of son would I be if I didn’t show up for my flesh and blood? No matter how much I may not want to go, the guilt is too much.

And so, I give in and go home.

Similarly, a friend of mine always guilt-trips me about not hanging out with him enough. I feel bad and end up spending more time with him than I want to.

In both cases, the guilt trip is an effective way a manipulator use to get what they want. They make you feel guilty, so you comply with their wishes.

The best way to deal with a guilt trip is to have an honest conversation with the person.

If they continue to try and make you feel guilty, it’s time to rethink your relationship.

…

#5. The “I’m Just Being Honest” Excuse

This is when someone says something that could be hurtful, but they cover it up by saying, “I’m just being honest.”

For example, you might be talking to a friend about your new haircut. And they say, “I don’t like it. It makes you look like a chicken.” Ouch. That hurt!”

But then they follow it up with, “I’m just being honest.”

First and foremost, honesty does not equal cruelty. You can be honest without being mean.

If someone says something hurtful to you and covers it up by saying, “I’m just being honest,” they might be trying to manipulate you. They might be trying to make you feel bad about yourself, so you’ll do what they want.

…

#6. Flattery Will Surely Get You Everywhere

Have you ever been talking to someone who started showering you with compliments?

It might feel nice at first, but after a while, it can feel a little bit creepy.

I had a boss who always complimented me on my work. At first, I thought he was supportive. But after a while, I felt like he was trying to control me.

He would use compliments to make me feel good about myself. And then he would use that to get me to do things I didn’t want to do.

For example, he would appreciate me in a meeting and then ask me to stay late to finish a project. He would tell me I did a great job on a presentation and then ask me to do another one.

If someone is constantly complimenting you, they might be trying to manipulate you. They might be trying to make you feel good about yourself to get you to do things you don’t want to do.

…

#7. The “I’m Just Asking For A Friend” Trick

People invade your private space with this phrase.

For example, you might be talking to a coworker about life. And they say, “So, are you seeing anyone? I’m just asking for a friend.”

First of all, if they were really asking for a friend, they wouldn’t need to ask you. They could ask their friend directly.

Second, even if they are just curious, that doesn’t make it okay.

Asking personal questions can make people feel uncomfortable. And if someone is constantly asking you personal questions, they might be trying to manipulate you. They might be trying to get information from you that they can use against you.

So, next time someone tries to use the “I’m just asking for a friend” excuse, you can call them out on it. And you can remind them that they can ask their friend directly.

…

Before You Go

People can be manipulative in different ways. Some people use nice fake gestures to get what they want, while others may be aggressive and use force to control others.

It’s important to spot these behaviors so that you protect your mental health and don’t fall victim to them.

If you know more fake nice gestures, I would love to hear them!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***