7 Signs Your Partner Might Be A Narcissist

Narcissism has become a hot topic these days.

I think my boyfriend is a narcissist, I’ve heard friends say. He’s always gaslighting me.

My partner is just so freaking narcissistic, I might have to break up with them, people rant online.

I’ve seen it even infiltrate social media columns. Is my fiance a narcissist? I’ve seen people ask on relationship subreddits and within the comments of a therapist’s Tiktok videos.

The truth is, narcissism just might be more prevalent than we thought before, and as we’re becoming more educated, it’s easier to spot. But we also can’t forget that narcissism isn’t reduced to a large ego and someone who likes to pick fights. There are many psychological concepts that underlie narcissism. And when it’s chronic and intense, it can even be classified as its own personality disorder — narcissistic personality disorder.

In short, I’m not rejecting anyone’s suspicions that their partner may be a narcissist. If anything, the amount of narcissists in this world might even surprise us. But at the very least, we should be aware of the signs and understand it psychologically, rather than only going off of anecdotal evidence and ill-informed stories from other people.

So is your partner a narcissist? Take a look at these 7 signs to see if it’s possible.

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1. They can’t stop talking about their accomplishments

OK, I’m not just talking pride here. I know there’s plenty of people who get a book deal or a promotion at work or just have a really great day and they want to come home and rave about it. Often, the partner is the first person they see and thus becomes the recipient of this raving. But that’s just good old fashioned pride or joy. I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about bragging that never seems to stop, that seems to infiltrate every possible conversation (and bonus points if they brag about their accomplishments or status in comparison to others). Does your partner monopolize conversations by talking about how he’s the best worker at his company? When your partner is at a dinner party, does she bring up the subject of her new role as CEO as the first topic to everyone she meets? If it’s becoming noticeable and nauseating, beyond just healthy self-confidence, it could be a sign of narcissism.

2. They get jealous easily

Narcissists want to be the center of everyone’s world. And as your partner, they want to be the center of yours, especially. If they catch you texting or talking to someone else who might be threatening to them — or even someone who’s a lifelong friend and isn’t threatening at all — and start getting jealous, that could reflect a sense of narcissism.

In relationships, there has to be a healthy balance between prioritizing your partner and prioritizing other aspects of your life, like friends, family, your career, your hobbies, and everything else. When that’s disrupted, it could be a sign of something deeper. Like if your partner is perpetually jealous that you choose to paint in the evenings instead of cuddle with them, even though they know it’s your passion, for example. Or if they catch a glimpse of someone else’s message to you on your phone and go ballistic that you’re giving your time to someone besides them. This could be an indicator of narcissism.

3. They gaslight you often

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Narcissists want to be right about everything, and even when they’re not, they will twist the truth and reject other people’s realities just to feel like they’re right. If your partner is doing this to you, especially repeatedly with no signs of reflecting on it or learning how to stop doing it, this could be a telltale sign of narcissism. Gaslighting itself is a toxic behavior, but when it happens constantly or in the presence of other signs of narcissism, you might want to run. Fast.

4. They demand your praise and loyalty

In a healthy relationship, partners often call each other out on their BS. Not with a narcissist, though. For example, if you’re talking to your partner about a dispute they had at work and you even attempt to see the other side of things or ask them to put themselves in their coworker’s shoes and they freak out at you, this could suggest narcissism. (At least, if it happens repeatedly.) Narcissists are entitled, and thus they expect praise and loyalty from others. If you don’t give it to them, they can react impulsively and immaturely.

And I know, I know, we’ve all been there — in the heat of anger, it can be difficult to watch someone defend the other side. But the key word is repeatedly. If this is happening repeatedly, or if it’s happening in situations where your partner is clearly and maybe even morally wrong (like committing a crime or hurting someone) and they expect you to be loyal to them still, it’s most likely a sign of something else.

5. They lie or exaggerate all the time

Don’t worry, I’ve known my share of pathological liars who aren’t narcissists and vice versa. But the two things do often go together, so keep an eye out.

Some people are just really in love with life and they like to embellish because they’re enthralled in their own story. Or some people genuinely just remember the details wrong and tell larger-than-life accounts of what happened. Or they lie for good reasons — like to avoid spoiling a surprise or picking a fight. These are all normal, human things.

But when it gets out of control — when they’re lying or exaggerating constantly to the point where you can’t distinguish the line between fact and fiction, or when they bring others into their web of fibs, it could be worth reflecting on whether they are exhibiting signs of narcissism.

6. They make you feel guilty or give you the cold shoulder

Narcissists are manipulative. They like to punish people who don’t give them what they want. If they are disappointed that you aren’t being loyal enough to them or giving your time to something else, they might make you feel guilty. If you have a fight and you don’t ultimately give them what they want in the end, they still feel deserving of “winning” and will want to punish you to reflect that rather than communicating that they still feel slighted. It’s classic.

Making people feel guilty or giving the cold shoulder is common even in relationships with non-narcissists (unfortunately), so don’t use this as the be-all-end-all to determine whether your partner is a narcissist or not. But if they do this all the time, especially if they never concede, apologize, or give you the benefit of the doubt and constantly expect you to bend to their wishes, that could indicate narcissism. No one should always be made to feel guilty or worry about whether their partner is going to give them the silent treatment that night when they come home. If this is your situation, you deserve better.

7. They pick on other people for trivial things

This is just senseless, childish, and hurtful behavior. If your partner often picks on people for stupid, trivial things, or things they can’t control, they may be revealing their narcissism. And if they’re doing this — whether they’re a true narcissist or not — it’s not OK.

Does your partner criticize your server at the restaurant for their figure and claims they need to lose weight? Or do they make fun of a friend for their stutter? Do they accuse a coworker of being weak when they start crying? These behaviors need to be stopped. They hurt people, and they have no redeeming value. They’re also very characteristic of a narcissist.

If you recognized any of these signs in your partner, don’t panic just yet. Remember that narcissism is usually present when these actions occur consistently or chronically, and when many of these 7 signs are present at the same time. Just noticing your partner exhibiting one of these 7 signs isn’t necessarily confirmation of them being a narcissist.

At the end of the day, the only people who can truly know whether your partner is a narcissist are you (because you know them closely), them (because they’re the one exhibiting these behaviors and they know their own intentions), and maybe other family or friends or someone with experience in psychology. What I mean to say is, don’t let articles be the sole confirmation of your suspicions. If you are concerned, seek help from trusted sources, do research, or talk to your partner. If you think you’re in danger or are in a toxic environment, though, then don’t be afraid to separate. Do what is best for you, always.

The one thing to remember about all of this, too, is that narcissistic behaviors don’t always reveal manipulation and a lack of empathy. Many narcissists are manipulative and sociopaths, yes. But not all of them. Some narcissist behaviors and subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder actually reveal attachment issues or even deep-seated insecurities that were never addressed. In short, it’s possible your partner may be acting this way out of insecurity or trauma — not because they’re a monster.

Either way, though, like I said: do what is best for you, always. Even if there is a good explanation for their behaviors, it’s not an excuse. And no one should be made to feel guilty or obligated to stay in a toxic, unhealthy, or unhappy relationship. No matter where your partner is coming from or what their background is, they are not entitled to you. And you are not obligated to remain in a relationship where you aren’t treated the way you deserve to be treated.

Regardless of where you are right now in this journey or where you stand with your partner, I wish two things for you: that you can find clarity and process in a way that is fulfilling to you, and that you one day find the peace and happiness that you deserve, both in love and in life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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