7 Simple Ways to Talk About Hard Stuff

Relationships add joy and energy to your life. They can also add friction and frustration. Melding two separate worlds takes work, and it’s not always pretty. At least it wasn’t in my case.

My partner and I had an instant connection, but we also had a lot of baggage to deal with from our past experiences. A simple disagreement would easily turn into a raised-voice argument ending in one of us storming off followed by hours or days of silence. We seldom resolved anything that way.

I remember the day we changed our trajectory. Standing outside The Container Store, I pleaded with him that “things” had to change if we were going to make it. Things being, in general terms, the way we communicated. I needed our communication to feel kind and productive. And we deserved to feel safe, calm, and heard while doing it.

So, with a lot of work and a lot of patience, we made the following changes:

1. We let go of our egos.

We played with the idea that everything we knew about relationships and people could be wrong. A big ask for two well-experienced adults.

We all want to be right. But being right can be the wrong way to go. This holds with relationships and communication.

Being right is a final perspective. You’ve planted your flag, drawn the line in the sand. Being wrong leaves space for fresh ideas, information, and answers. Being right is the end of that conversation before it begins. Being wrong is how we grow.

How it looks: When you’re having a hard conversation, or any discussion, think to yourself maybe I’m wrong or ask what can I learn here? Shift your stance from needing to vent about it to wanting to learn from it.

2. We retired the mind-reader.

I can’t tell you how many assumptions I let get to me or how many comments I twisted into insults. Plus, I kept valuable information from my partner, assuming he already knew so much about me.

Being a mind-reader is hard. You’re always working, always interpreting comments or expressions, always responding to words that are never said.

Wouldn’t it be nice to retire that hat and see your partner as they are? Take them at face value. See what they are showing you versus what you think you see. Let the other person use their words to tell their story while you use your ears to listen.

And let them retire their mind-reader as well. Let’s all agree that being a mind-reader is hard.

How to do it: Assume that your partner is completely new to the human experience and share with them what you’re feeling, what you need, what you want in that moment. Without expectation or judgment.

3. We accept the uncomfortableness of it.

It’s super uncomfortable to talk about stuff that makes us uncomfortable. If it was comfortable, we would all be doing it every day, having conversations like it’s our job.

The uncomfortable part is there for a reason. Maybe to slow you down and bring your attention to this important topic. Maybe as a speed bump to help you avoid reacting in a less-than-productive way.

Whatever the reason, it’s uncomfortable. And that’s okay. Everyone is uncomfortable.

How it looks: You feel uncomfortable, acknowledge it, take a deep breath, open your mouth, and start talking. You talk even when it’s uncomfortable to do so. Eventually, you focus more on the conversation and less on the discomfort of it.

4. I remember three good things.

When these moments come up for me — my blood boiling, my heart pounding, my nerves on fire — everything is a problem and it’s a mess and it’s his fault. Of course, I know that’s not true, but that’s what my emotions are telling me.

So, I pause. I think of three things that are good or great or awesome or loving or kind about him or about us. This helps me re-focus and grounds my emotional state so that I can see clearly and remember why I’m here in this relationship.

How to do it: As soon as you hear those thoughts rushing around, feeling angry or upset or mad at your partner, give yourself a few minutes here. Sit down, take out a pen and paper, write down three )or more) good things. Keep writing until you remember and feel that spark of love between you.

5. We set up a safe space and time.

We established a weekly coffee date and used it as a safe space to “air our grievances” — an inside joke that helped ease the pressure of it.

Hard or serious conversations can be intimidating because we’re basically putting ourselves and our hearts out there on the line. We’re vulnerable. We need assurance that we won’t get shot at or shot down as soon we open our mouths.

Having a safe space can function as that assurance. Safe meaning that words can be said or feelings expressed without retaliation or return-fire, and instead met with open ears and an open mind.

How to do it: Take a moment together to look at your schedules and choose a time that works best for everyone. It can be a morning coffee date or an evening walk around the block. Whatever works for you. Try to take it outside of the home, to a neutral space. And, if you can, set this as a repeating date so you both always have that time to share whatever needs sharing. Most importantly, honor the rules — no judgement, no blaming, and each person gets the mic for however long they need.

6. We talk about ourselves.

In the 1960’s, Thomas Gordon presented the concept of “I-messages” as an effective component of communication. I-messages help you express yourself and own your feelings without accusing or placing blame on your partner. You’re bringing your side to the table, your experience, your perspective, your feelings and thoughts.

Think of it like giving a that first tour of your bedroom. All your special things lined up and laid out. Things that your partner may not have ever seen or known existed. Not because they’re ignorant or selfish or too busy to notice anything, but because, maybe, you’ve never shown them around this space before.

How to do it: Practice expressing your thoughts with the phrase “I feel” or “I experience” or “I perceive” and finish the sentence. It takes time, and you will miss a few. But it’s worth the fumbles to get this right.

Relationships require work. Mine certainly did. And I’m grateful for it. The work I did not only strengthened my relationship, but it also strengthened me as an individual and encouraged me to grow in ways I didn’t know I needed or wanted to grow. It was tough, and I wanted to give up a few times, won’t lie about that. I’m eternally grateful that I kept with it.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***