Recently, Ayesha Curry set the twitter fingers afire by admitting that the attention her husband receives from other women makes her feel insecure. She said that in comparison she would feel more comfortable if she was also receiving equal attention from males.
For two days on my social media, there were all types of comments from people. Some women seemed to understand Ayesha Curry, wife of Stephen Curry (Point Guard for the Golden State Warriors). They surmised that after having three children, dealing with body changes and having your identity change to a wife and mother; Ayesha probably just wanted to feel validated that she was still desirable and attractive.
This launched some into judgment that a married woman shouldn’t be seeking attention from anyone other than her husband. That argument may make sense except it ignores that fact that she stated her husband, a married man, is also fielding voluminous amounts of attention from the opposite sex. Her statement was a comparison, not a solo bid for attention.
But, what really surprised me was how many people were simply angry that she spoke the truth out loud.
There were chants of her embarrassing her husband, her marriage, herself and messing up their image as a couple.
Personally, I thought it was brave.
How many people are willing to admit they feel insecurity? And, how many are willing to admit it in a public forum then allow themselves to be judged.
And, she was judged harshly. It wasn’t quelled until her husband came out in support of her disclosure.
It made me wonder about how people are handling insecurity being confessed either within the confines of their relationship or in general.
Ayesha Curry’s admittance of insecurity wasn’t met with compassion. It was largely met with disdain, harsh judgment, shaming and, for some, insecurity of their own.
It’s very easy to see why someone wouldn’t admit their own insecurities. We cultivate these lives that are supposed to bulletproof us from feeling insecure.
To the outside world, Ayesha has a rich lifestyle, a doting superstar husband, beautiful children, good looks and a budding career. There is less sympathy for her feeling insecure because people think she has accomplished more than what most people will experience.
But, no amount of things we acquire can affect what we feel and how we feel about ourselves. There are no safeguards against momentary feelings that we are not good enough. That scares people who think what they are pursuing will bring them security.
Ayesha Curry shined a light on the truth that you can have everything you think will make you happy and there can still be a change to your life or one area where you don’t feel like you are your best.
And, you first have to tell that truth to yourself because you can say it out loud to anyone else.
What concerns me is if someone has the strength to tell the truth about their insecurity, what are they met with?
Many people online expressed that they hoped when Ayesha Curry talked to her husband that he put her in her place. Or, that he asked for a divorce or even worst, some suggested he should be violent towards her.
I was actually scared to think how these same people were dealing with their partners’ honesty in real life.
If someone tells you the truth of how they feel and your first inclination is to either verbally or physically abuse them, then you and your bruised ego do not belong in a relationship.
While it may have been tough for Steph Curry to hear that his wife was unhappy or feeling insecure and he may have wanted to assume that it was somehow his fault, I would hope that he listened to her and tried to understand how she could feel that way.
If someone is in a relationship and a partner feels insecure, there are some things that can be done to support a partner in feeling more secure.
1. It’s not the job of one person to make the other feel secure. Security is an inside job. It can’t be created from the outside.
2. Create a safe environment to discuss the insecurity. No raised voices. No blaming or shaming language. Listen without judgement.
3. The partner who feels insecure should get very clear on what is making them feel insecure without using blaming language. Assume your partner is unaware of how their actions or non-actions is affecting you.
4. Get clear on what your partner can do differently that will lessen the triggers of you feeling insecure. Tell them how to support you. If you don’t know, you need to figure that out for them. Don’t expect them to know what will make you feel better.
5. Praise and recognize effort and visible change. Provide kind feedback. Be patient.
6. Work on yourself and how you react to feeling insecure. Make changes of your own that make you feel more secure.
7. If they make all the changes you requested and you still feel insecure, it may be time to visit a therapist because the problem is probably deeper.
Insecurity is a feeling. It’s not right. It’s not wrong. It’s not proof of anything. It’s just pointing you in the direction of something you need to improve. If a partner feels safe enough with you to bring you their insecurity and ask for your help working on it, then you have someone who values your love and relationship. Don’t let ego squander your opportunity for intimacy.
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