Women in India still are not treated as equals around the house.
Before marriage, you’re constantly reminded that you’re just a guest who has to go to your own home someday. And after marriage, there are subtle reminders that you’re not their daughter but daughter-in-law.
Growing up, I was taught to do everything around the house. I had to learn how to cook, clean, and do laundry, while my brother had to just focus on his studies. But all these extra responsibilities didn’t mean there were no expectations of me in academics.
In fact, the expectations were higher. I was constantly reminded of the importance of having a career as a woman. What would I do if the in-laws turned out bad?
At a young age, I made the decision to choose my husband myself. I would not be married off to someone I’ve met only once or twice. It was too risky and I don’t like taking chances.
But I knew that even with a love marriage, not a lot of social scenarios would change.
So, it always shocks me when my husband does these 8 things even after 2 years of marriage.
#1. Standing Tall in Family Matters
I never expected him to do it because most men I know wouldn’t.
They’ll understand what you’re saying. They’ll even agree with you, but they will tell you to compromise and not make a scene.
And not only your husband, but your family will tell you repeatedly why you should stay silent instead of speaking up. The major reason is always the same — someone has to keep the peace, and it’s not right to speak out to your elders.
But my husband has not once made me feel unheard. He never made me feel that I was not a part of the family. And that means a lot.
#2. Unwavering Support
I met my husband when I was 17. So, we have made a lot of decisions together.
I have made it clear I wanted to keep working even after marriage and he supported my choice. When I said I wanted to be a writer, he supported my choice.
He goes above and beyond to make sure I have time to write and get enough sleep. And maybe it is my luck, but his family has also always supported me.
After getting married, I feel like I have my very own personal cheerleader in the form of my husband.
#3. Us, Not Me
If I have a bad day at work, he listens. If I have a great day at work, which rarely happens, but he listens.
Even the stupidest things I say are important to him, and it’s something I have rarely seen in other men around me. He has 0 interest in writing but he would read my article outlines, collect interesting ideas throughout the day that I can write about and so much more.
For him, it’s never me, it’s us. And that makes a huge difference.
#4. The Parenting Pact
In India, there’s this constant pressure to have kids after marriage.
The moment you marry, you are advised to have kids. And I’ve heard this a million times myself during the last 2 years. Every relative, neighbor, and friend keeps asking the same question, and it’s frustrating.
Even my parents think it’s high time we should have kids, but my husband values my choice not to have kids right now. Normally in India, the men don’t care because most men have almost negligible contribution towards raising the children.
#5. Inclusive Decision-Making
From day 1, we have made every major decision together.
We have a joint account, and we manage our finances together. And it’s not just the money decisions, if we are thinking about something career-wise, daily routine-wise, or even health-wise, we will talk to each other first.
He sees me as his equal and has never said something diminishing.
#6. A Partnership in Chores
With writing, 9 to 5, and studies, I don’t have much time to do chores.
It helps that I live with my in-laws and my mother-in-law is super supportive. If she had stopped doing everything around the house, like most mothers-in-law do in India, it would have made my life a lot harder.
And what has made my life even easier is my husband taking so much mental load off me. He does the grocery shopping, planning events and so much more. And without even asking me what needs to get done.
It helps me a ton because there is already so much going on in my mind at all times.
#7. Respecting Boundaries
We have a lot of rituals in our religion and most rituals are for women.
I don’t mind doing most of it. I love it, in fact. I grew up seeing my mother and my grandmother do all these things and it brings me joy and peace to follow in their steps.
But, some rituals just don’t make sense. For example, keeping your head covered all the time, eating after the husband, fasting for different occasions, etc.
And there are many more small things that don’t make sense. It helps that I don’t have to say no to anything because my husband is one step ahead and says no to every unreasonable tradition.
#8. No Room for Feeling Small
When a family is looking for a girl for their boy, they’re all looking for the same things. They want someone who’s fair-skinned, tall but not taller than their son, thin, soft-spoken. They also want someone who can help their son financially while fulfilling all gender roles like cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and in-laws alone.
I have seen husband who constantly nag their wives about the weight they’ve gained during or after pregnancy. It doesn’t matter if they’ve huge bellies themselves; they want their wives to look like a supermodel all the time.
My husband never made such comments. He motivates me to exercise for my health because he’s worried I will die before him, but he never made me feel small by making comments about my weight, diet, physical appearance, etc.
He never compared me to any other women and I love that about him.
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Takeaway
Not everyone is perfect, and no relationship is without conflicts, but what matters is how you resolve conflicts.
And what I have seen over the years is that you can get away with differences of opinion, but you can’t be happy with someone who doesn’t respect you and trust you.
Love will change shape over the years, but respect and trust should never leave your side.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
