Ah, love.
It can be a beautiful thing or a constant source of strife and difficulty.
Relationships can be tough — but they don’t have to be.
Here are 10 sayings worth raising your eyebrows at.
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1. “You can’t give me an ultimatum.”
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. One person is ready to take the next step (typically engagement or marriage) and the other isn’t.
Maybe we aren’t even talking about marriage. Maybe one person is ready to call it an official relationship, and the other isn’t.
Whatever the case may be, both parties will typically find themselves at a stalemate.
One person wants more out of the relationship than they’re getting. The other person is comfortable staying right where they are.
This is where the comfortable party says, “you can’t give me an ultimatum.”
Uh, actually, you can.
You can and you (probably) should.
If you want a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, engagement, or marriage, and the other person does not, it is 100% fair to walk away.
This isn’t about pressure or forcing someone to do what they don’t want to do. It’s about finding someone who wants what you want.
There is nothing wrong with ultimatums if they are meant to save you from wasted time, energy, and investment.
Let them know by your actions that you really mean “take it or leave it.”
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2. “Let’s just see where things go.”
Translation: this thing is going nowhere fast.
The “let’s just see” crowd when it comes to relationships is so laid back and unconcerned with wasting time that they don’t see the point in taking initiative.
Things in life rarely “just happen.”
You have to make decisions and commitments and stick to them.
If you want something meaningful, intentional, and definitive, this “let’s just see” attitude is not a good sign.
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3. “We’re exclusive, not dating.”
I’ve written a whole hit piece on this one.
Exclusive not dating is a fancy way of saying, “I want you to treat me like your boyfriend/girlfriend, but I still technically want to be single.”
You can imagine where I’m going with this.
It’s ambiguous. It’s confusing. It doesn’t give you a real answer as to whether or not you’re together.
Ambiguous relationships are good for two things only: confusion and unmet expectations.
Don’t entertain it.
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4. “Let’s take a break.”
This one particularly irks me. Like, are you breaking up or not?
Are you trying to date other people while hoping to keep your former partner around in case things don’t work out?
Are you asking them if they’re willing to stay on standby while you figure your life out?
Are you dipping your toe in single life, while keeping the door open in case you realize you’d rather be in a relationship?
Please.
Either you’re together or you’re not.
It’s unfair to ask someone to keep waiting in the wings while you figure out what you want.
Either stay with them or let them go.
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5. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
This one is just downright cruel.
It’s like breaking a heart but in the sweetest way you possibly can.
If you want to tell someone that you are no longer in love with them, don’t mix it in with words of love.
Please.
Just be clear about wanting to part ways and no longer seeing them as someone you want to build a future with.
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6. “If you really loved me you would…”
One word: manipulation.
This is one of those phrases that is clearly an awful attempt to get someone to do something that they don’t want to do.
First of all — loving someone does not mean dropping everything and doing anything they want.
Second of all — someone who loves you would never try to pressure or manipulate you into doing what they want.
A good response to this is, “and if you really loved me, you wouldn’t pressure or manipulate me into doing anything.”
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7. “I really like/love you, but I’m not the relationship type.”
There are far too many variations of this one, but let’s simplify.
You want the perks of being in a relationship without actually having to make any type of commitment.
You want the enjoyment of having someone around without having to make any sacrifices for them.
You want to keep them in your good graces in case you want them for something, but you also don’t want to promise anything.
Don’t use people.
If you aren’t looking for a relationship just leave it at that.
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8. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
The classic.
We try to find all sorts of ways to make people feel “better” about a breakup when really there is no way to spare anyone’s feelings.
Don’t waste your breath on these cliche platitudes.
It doesn’t hurt any less.
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9. “We don’t need a label.”
Relationships require labels, not for the sake of limiting a person, but so that everyone can get on the same page about what you’re doing.
Labels, titles, or whatever you want to call them signify a certain level of trust and commitment.
If a person refuses to put a label on your relationship, they are likely just trying to avoid commitment.
If you want commitment, this is your sign to walk away.
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Final thoughts
Don’t let yourself be duped by anyone’s excuses or manipulation tactics.
You deserve better.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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