You’re here because you have lived long enough to know that life sold you a bill good at some point. You’ve done things only to be rudely awakened by the stench of your actions, some of which are casting a ripple effect to date.
I’ve been there.
I’ve made many bad decisions, gone over too many wrong cliffs, and spent so much time licking my wounds.
One thing I know, though, is that we’re all woven from the same fabric — as much as we come from different places and have different experiences — how we interact with life teaches us the same lessons.
I’d have written this title differently. I’d have told you what I wish my parents had told me that would have helped me navigate the murky waters of life.
Today though? I’m flipping it and making it about you and what you wish your parents had told you but didn’t.
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Some people want you only because of how you make them look.
If you have ever watched the story of Anna Delvey, you’ll remember how she attracted all sorts of people, like moths, to light.
But when the scales fell off, and suddenly it became clear this chick wasn’t in high class as she had wanted to prove, most of these guys scattered — only a handful stuck with her as she rolled with the punches.
Yes, Anna was a total fake. But the point is this: some of those who called themselves her friends were willing to be with her as long as she fit her role in the narrative of their lives. You will meet people who’ll only want you in their lives because of the context you provide. They aren’t interested in you for who you are but how you make them look.
So, when you meet people, don’t be so quick to reveal aspects of your life to them. Suss them out first and see if they like you for who you are or what you stand for.
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The story of Elise’s life.
Elise had an affair with someone she met online sometime last year. Her 22-year-old marriage had lost its flavor. Her hubby had grown a belly. Sex was becoming a chore more than a pleasure. She decided to crawl into the world of dating sites, and it was here that she met the man she was going to marry next year.
He was hot. Younger. Sexier. Little did she know he was a psychopath with a criminal record. When the truth came out, she dumped him. But he wasn’t having it. He made it his mission to break up her marriage by revealing every dirty little detail to her husband.
And just like that, he successfully ruined a marriage that had stood on solid ground for a whopping 22 years.
Elise is currently rolling deep in the trenches of regret and self-loathing, but she’ll be okay. She says she messed up, and she’s right.
However, she’s not the only one who has walked on this path. Too many people imagine they’ll find better sex, lovers, and partners elsewhere, only to realize these things don’t exist. They almost always come with strings attached, and the people who seem to have these enviable types of partners almost always pay very high costs.
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The grass is only as green as you water it.
And this ties in with the last point. That grass you wish you could lie on because it’s green and lush? Is like that because someone somewhere waters it day in and day out. That grass could be your marriage, kids, career, etc. All these things turn out great because people develop a vision and work hard towards that. You have to decide what you want in life and then get about the business of making it possible.
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Be where your feet are.
Do you know the people I admire most? Those who have found a way to live in the present. They’ve cut the cords that had snared them to the cocoons of past mistakes and regrets and allowed themselves to live fully. Here and now. Don’t let another day go by as you look over the fence. This is where you’re at. Embrace it with all you’ve got.
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Love the life you have, not the one you wish you had.
I laugh when I think of this girl who lived my life. She had everything I had always wanted. A very successful husband, a luxurious home, and a comfortable lifestyle.
It’s never been a secret that I love the finer things of life, but it got to a point when I realized I’m so blessed; I just hadn’t learned to love my life as is. This is my biggest lesson in the past couple of years, and boy, am I glad I learned it. And you know what? You are blessed, too. You’re just not loving the life you have.
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People aren’t really thinking about you the way you think they are.
Nope. People are always thinking about themselves. Sure, they might glance at you at the mall or whatever, but three minutes later, they’ve moved on. And is this liberating or what? I’m so pumped knowing I can be my absolute self because no one cares.
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You owe it to yourself to vet the people you allow in your life.
Yup. There was only one Mother Teresa. But you’re not Mother Teresa. You can’t afford to have an open-door policy in your life if you want to live well. The truth is that the world is full of users and abusers. It’s also true that good things happen to bad people all the time. It is also true that bad people get away with doing bad things all the time. The point? Life isn’t fair.
It’s taken me years to reframe my entire story for having fallen into the arms of people who didn’t mean well. And I’d hate for you to bury pieces of yourself in the name of a relationship. Put an end to excusing people’s bad behavior. Dare to fortify your walls high and thick.
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You must learn to catch the shifts in your life, or they will change your life’s dynamics.
Be a student of your own life. Watch things closely. See how you live. Watch how the tides ebb and flow in your life. Don’t be caught unawares when things start to change. When dross starts to creep into your life. When love starts to fizzle out. When your kids start to veer off the path of righteousness.
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You alone are responsible for your own life.
Oh… sooo cliché but also sooo true. As a woman who has been married not once but twice, I know that if my life is gonna move forward, I have to be the one pushing it. I refer to marriage because even love won’t abdicate you of your responsibility to your life.
We all have to get our fingers dirty and make our bones. So don’t waste a single minute waiting for someone to save you. Put on your big girl/boy shoes, step out, and slay the dragons you need to slay to move your life upwards.
Oh, while you’re at it, take care of your body today, and it’ll take care of you in thirty years. Don’t eat garbage. Exercise. Sugar is poison — remember that.
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As long as you’re alive and kicking, you’re always learning. Which makes all these lessons relevant from here on out. Use them, teach them to your loved ones, and let them guide you. We all need all the help we can get.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jennifer Marquez on Unsplash
