I have been depressed of late, and for the purposes of this story, I am simply putting it out there because it impacts everything that I think, feel, write, say, and do whether good, bad, or ugly.
I spent the month of September in a bad way and, among other things, lost my mojo to write. My main contribution for the month was a depressing poem that swirled around in my head for a week or two before I committed a lame version of it into words and published it.
It is about a bullet that will someday be made with my name on it.
I may be doing a bit better now, but that certainly has not changed.
After that, I wrote an even lamer story earlier this month about trying to reclaim your writing mojo. I wrote it mostly for myself but wouldn’t mind making a buck or two with it either.
F’d up, huh?
I did, however, read a lot of stories on Medium, veering away from the “how to get rich” ones to those focused on mental health.
So I read a story that resonated with me last month but could not find a record of it despite searching several terms.
The gist of it was one of those stories on a dating, sex, or love publication about a surefire way to make men fall in love with you. It was written by a middle-aged woman who in my mind correctly wrote about befriending men and then they ultimately fall in love with her.
Five men in a row as she tells it.
It got me thinking and enough to write about it a month later.
But from a different perspective.
That is, from the perspective of a frustrated and unhappy middle-aged man who is attracted, seemingly magnetically, to the most beautiful, positive, and uplifting woman that I know.
We call each other friends, good friends even, on a regular basis although we have only known each other for six months. Sometimes you just hit it off with someone.
We walk together for an hour twice per week.
She asks me direct questions about my mental health, which I typically answer truthfully, although I have not yet told her that I go to therapy. I get pretty emotional with her, typically while dropping her back off at her place of business. She operates a dojo in the city where I am the economic development director.
A few times I have been very emotional and she walks up to me, hugs me, and tells me that things will be okay. My eyes begin welling up, but I was raised pretty tough and do not let the tears flow.
On many days, my walk with her is the highlight by far. I tell her that sometimes, but try not to get too sappy or seemingly needy.
My issue and challenge is doing what I can to not follow the pattern that the other writer wrote about.
In short, I am doing what I can to not fall madly in love with her, which would end badly any way I look at it.
…
Love is a powerful and complex emotion that can strike at unexpected times, often leaving us feeling vulnerable and conflicted.
This situation becomes even more complicated when a married individual finds themselves attracted to someone outside of their marriage.
While these feelings can be natural, it is crucial to address them in a way that respects your marriage and the commitment you’ve made to your spouse.
This leads me to consider some ways to navigate emotional attraction when you’re already married and why reinvesting in your marriage is the key to managing these emotions.
Acknowledging Your Feelings
The first step in navigating emotional — and physical — attraction outside of your marriage is acknowledging that these feelings exist.
It’s natural to be attracted to other people, and these attractions can take various forms.
However, as a married individual, it’s important to recognize that you have a commitment to your spouse. This self-awareness is the foundation for addressing these emotions in a healthy and responsible way.
I do not want to be the millionth divorcee writing about it here. Like my parents, and like their parents before them, I’m in it for the long haul, as is my truly better half.
Reinvest in Your Marriage
Rather than seeking out new relationships, it’s crucial to focus on reinvesting in your existing marriage.
Far too many people, roughly half, fail to do this and the “for better or worse” vow that they took goes out the window.
This means dedicating time and effort to strengthen the connection you share with your spouse.
Remember the reasons you fell in love and committed to a life together.
Rekindle the romance, prioritize communication, and work together to address any issues that may have led to your emotional attraction outside of the marriage.
Seek Professional Help
Navigating complex emotions within a marriage can be challenging, and it’s perfectly okay to seek professional help.
Marriage counseling or therapy can provide a safe and constructive space for you and your spouse to explore your feelings and concerns.
A qualified therapist can offer guidance on improving communication, rebuilding trust, and resolving underlying issues that may have contributed to your emotional attraction.
I do tell my therapist about the beautiful woman whom I walk with and lean on for emotional support but have not delved into my attraction for her yet. But he is a fairly perceptive guy and most likely has figured it out.
Honesty and Open Communication
Honesty is key to addressing emotional attraction outside of your marriage.
Talk to your spouse openly and honestly about your feelings.
It’s essential to have a candid conversation while expressing your commitment to the marriage and your desire to work through these emotions together. Your spouse may also have concerns or feelings to share, and open communication can lead to a deeper understanding of each other.
Set Boundaries
Maintaining boundaries with the person you’re attracted to is crucial.
Limit unnecessary interactions and avoid compromising situations.
Ensure that your interactions with this person are respectful of your marriage and your spouse. It’s essential to establish clear boundaries to protect your relationship and prevent any misunderstandings.
I am personally working on this one.
My walking friend low-key propositioned me a few weeks ago, but I was slow on the uptake (as I often am) and did not respond well. In retrospect, I realized that she gave me the opportunity to cheat on my wife for the first time, and I basically did not respond.
The next time that I saw her, I low-key propositioned her, which she deflected very tactfully, helping me save face while also making me hate myself for doing it and vowing to never do so again. Let’s just say that I “read the room” wrong.
Also, considering my depressed state and not even being able to, let’s call it “rise to the occasion” recently under ideal circumstances, I probably would not have been up to the task anyway.
Basically, I am glad that she deflected my half-hearted offer.
Self-Reflection
Take time for self-reflection to understand the root of your emotional attraction.
Consider the aspects of your marriage that may need improvement and examine any personal issues that might be contributing to your feelings.
Self-awareness can help you address these emotions more effectively and make necessary changes in your life.
So Instead of Falling in Love 💑
Emotional and physical attraction outside of a marriage is a common challenge faced by many individuals.
It’s essential to remember that experiencing attraction to someone other than your spouse is a natural part of being human.
However, as a married person, it’s your responsibility to address these feelings in a way that respects your marriage and your commitment to your spouse.
Reinvesting in your marriage, seeking professional help when needed, being honest and open with your spouse, setting clear boundaries, and engaging in self-reflection are all important steps in managing emotional attraction.
By taking these measures, you can work through these complex emotions, strengthen your marriage, and preserve the commitment and love you share with your spouse.
In doing so, you can maintain a healthy and loving marriage that can withstand the tests of time and emotional challenges.
And by “you,” I mean me too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Clay Banks on Unsplash
