A Girl’s Perspective For The Enlightened Male

One unfortunate outcome of the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ is that some men become highly defensive rather than engage in meaningful dialogue. You are not being attacked because you are a man; you are being called to examine your own behaviors and take responsibility for them, just as women have since time immemorial. So I thought taking a different path might be helpful. Since empathy is the capacity to place yourself in another’s position to gain a better understanding of their frame of reference and is a skill that can be learned, the following glimpse of a girl’s frame of reference may help do just that.

You start your life embracing your physicality, running, jumping, climbing, singing, shouting, skipping.You demand, you assert, you dream unencumbered, unrestricted, just like any boy.

Then it starts on the playground, your efforts to throw, to run, to play sports met with derision. You are told you are weaker, you are slower. That being a girl is a liability.

History books focus overwhelmingly on men and their achievements, under-representing women and dismissing their contributions. Without anyone saying anything directly, you already feel as if you matter less.

You sit quietly, compliantly in the classroom and do what is expected of you and praise is heaped on you. Boys rake risks, break rules and are rewarded socially. Then as women, we could be 100% qualified for a job and still harbor self-doubt; after all, you have to be perfect, you have to be a rule-follower, the worst combination for confidence. A man could be 60% qualified and doesn’t hesitate to apply for that job or that promotion because he is more likely to believe he is capable, no matter how misguided that may be.

You look around and see the vast majority of leadership roles, political, corporate, religious, are populated by men. Women CEOs still haven’t reached 8% despite women making up nearly 51% of the population. And that’s despite being just as bright, just as educated, if not more so.

You can be the top of your game, literally as in the US women’s soccer team, and you are still paid a fraction of what men receive even though the women’s team generates more revenue. What does that say to a young girl about her inherent value? It says, if you’re a woman, you’re worth less.

As you morph from a child to a teenager, you learn quickly your maturing body gets you lots of attention and observe how any girl, any woman, is described first and foremost by appearance. Youth and beauty tyrannize women’s lives in ways that men’s are not. Ask any woman over fifty if she is made to feel invisible; ask any man the same and rarely would you get the same answer.

You hear a lot of ‘should’s’ from friends, family, strangers…You should smile more…You should wear less/more make-up…you shouldn’t eat that…you should lose weight…you should wear more dresses…you should cover up more…you should keep your voice down. If you are an American woman, you should be grateful for what you do have, a lot of women have it far worse. So suck it up, buttercup.

Despite progress there is still some element of responsibility for your sexual assault. Why were you there? Why were you out late? Why were you walking alone or wearing that…or drinking…? And then if you shut down a guy’s overtures, you are a bitch. If you seem friendly and responsive, then you are asking for it. You are always the common denominator.

If he cheats on you, you didn’t give him enough attention, maybe too focused on your career. Besides, men are ‘supposed’ to be with lots of women. It’s in their blood. But if you cheat on him, then you are a slut.

If the kids misbehave or do poorly in school, then mom is working too many hours. Hard working dads are supporting their families. Dads get applause for making pancakes on a Saturday morning; moms feel guilty not preparing a gourmet dinner even though she was up all night with a vomiting child and had three work meetings back to back and skipped her own lunch break.

When you are marginalized, you become representative of your gender. If a man makes a careless driving error, as anyone can do, then that particular man is a jerk. If a woman does, it’s because all women are inherently bad drivers.

Dislike for an individual woman translates into vitriol toward her physical being, the gendered insults dehumanizing, her audacity that she ever considered asserting herself. Revenge porn, the viciousness of social media threats against female politicians like AOC you would never hear lodged against male politicians no matter their stated positions. Men feel they need not respect those they believe can’t beat them up.

Empathy, for women, becomes a tool of psychic survival in this world, not just because you want to be caring and considerate, but because reading the emotional barometer of others allows you to modify your reactions and responses, to avoid possible censure and disdain. It’s a way to keep safe.

When you don’t feel the world is yours, you adapt to it in ways that often diminishes your potential. You work from the assumption that your words carry less weight and so your language is more deferential. You feel the weight of judging, critical eyes and either try to shrink or apologize for your physical presence or conversely, embrace it to the detriment of the other facets of your personhood.

We get tired of having to read you, tired of having to anticipate your response and adjust accordingly, tired of carrying the emotional responsibility for relationships. It’s exhausting.The first step in breaking down gendered social roles is personal responsibility, no matter male, female, or however one identifies. It should be an equally shared enterprise.

So if you read the discomfort in that woman’s eyes and you admonish the guy harassing her, or you refrain from interrupting your colleague during a meeting because you recognize she has a valid point to make and should be heard, or you’re the frat guy who told your buddy in no uncertain terms to back off the drunk girl, kudos. Sounds like empathy is at play.

It’s not masculinity that is being attacked; it’s the freedom not to have to be invested in others. Because that would mean you would have to make room for someone else in ways that honor and respect their personhood in a measure equal to your own. I don’t see how anyone can take offense to that.

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Previously Published on medium

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