A Good Life

Photo by Terree Lorraine Oakwood

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I am one lucky woman, some would say. I have the basics of food, shelter, clothing, a car, and other modern conveniences. I have friends and family who I love and who love me. I have advanced education (a Masters degree in Social Work, as well as seminary ordination). I have work that is satisfying and gratifying, if sometimes stressful and challenging. I am able to support myself well and am glad that I can donate money to causes I believe in. I call myself professionally polyamorous with multiple, overlapping jobs and in any given week, I will see clients, write articles, speak on podcasts or webinars, facilitate groups, officiate at weddings or funerals, teach, and do PR and marketing. I take care of my grandchildren four mornings a week. They are my favorite people on the planet, as I tell them often. I work out at the gym as often as I can, since it is a necessary aspect of my healthcare.

I consider my upbringing a huge part of my fortune. I was raised by two people who were truly, madly, deeply in love with each other and who modeled love and service in all they did. In addition to raising my sister and me, they volunteered in our community and when they retired in 1989 and moved from Willingboro, NJ to Ft. Lauderdale, FL, they continued their acts of kindness and generosity. Although my family was not wealthy, we lived in comfort. My dad was a blue collar worker (milkman and then bus driver) and my mom was a pink collar worker (switchboard operator who had a series of part time, home based jobs prior to that until my sister and I were old enough to be latch key kids.) We were, as they said, “rich in love.” I had friends and activities that ranged from Girl Scouts to Hebrew School, from swim team to Ecology Club and volunteering at our local recycling center. I met my best friend when I was 14 and we remain friends to this day, as seasoned women in our mid 60s.

I did my share of dating throughout my adulthood, married at 28 and was widowed at 40. Since then, I have had short term relationships and friends with benefits. These days, I am quite content with my single life and if someone comes along who enhances my life and I, theirs, I am open to (as a friend advised me 20 years ago) “love whoever God sends.”

I have a 36 year old son who I raised as a single parent since he was 11. He is the father of my adorable grandchildren. When he married, our family expanded and I consider my daughter in-law’s family, mine as well.

In the midst of all of these obvious blessings, I have experienced loss and change, illness and injury. In the past eight years, like many who are sensitive to world events, I have plunged at times into depression and anxiety. I have done my best to write and speak my way through it. I have done my best to pray my way through it. I have done my best to gather with kindred spirits and resist my way through this world weariness.

When I consider my life, I am grateful that I am not living in a war zone, or impoverished. I recognize my white, cis-gender, well educated, middle class privilege and I use it to boost others who feel powerless.

Some days, I am really feeling my age. In recent conversations with family and friends, I have expressed frustration with cognitive challenges which I call CRS Syndrome ( Can’t Remember Sh*t Syndrome). It feels like a white board on which words were ever so briefly written and then erased. When I do public speaking, it is more often than not, improvised. I also have COPD which feels physically limiting and I get easily winded.

I wonder if I signed up for this life as I know it. Is it a soul contract at work or a random occurrence?

I don’t shy away from talking about mortality, and it occurs to me, after being with loved ones as they reached their final days and in some cases, final moments, that I am okay with dying. It is what happens afterward that is uncertain. I sense that reincarnation is real. I question whether we remain as spirit, as light, as energy after we enter the Beyond and if so, for how long? Do some people remain in that form for ‘eternity’? Do others return to Earth in another form? How is the path chosen? I have had such a sweet life that I fear that the next time around, if there is one, that I might face hardships that I didn’t this time around. If Karma has anything to do with it, I would like to think that the scales are balanced.

I am reminded of this song offered by Carly Simon when I am uncertain.