If you’re the kind of person who brought a hard-boiled egg along with you on the train, you’re likely going to need help understanding basic social etiquette. But don’t fret — we’ve got you covered with a guide that is sure to help answer any questions you may have about how to eat that alienating protein in a shell that is sure to isolate you from your fellow commuters.
Q: So, I’m seated facing another person. Can I eat my hard-boiled egg?
A: No. That’s disgusting. First of all, it smells awful. Second of all, it makes you seem untrustworthy. After all, people don’t trust someone who is perfectly willing to bring and eat something that smells like sulfur on board a public train. So, please just don’t.
Q: What about if I very much want to eat my hard-boiled egg? Can I eat it then?
A: Don’t you dare eat it in public. It’s called basic human decency and it’s characterized by the absence of flatulent smells in a confined space.
Q: How about if I look away from them while I eat my hard-boiled egg?
A: What are you not understanding? People can see and smell the oval-shaped skunk of a nutrient that you’re exposing to the unsuspecting commuters.
Q: Okay, okay, what if I discreetly peel the egg while no one is watching?
A: What are you not understanding? They can still smell the disgusting aroma of horse’s ass that’s trapped in your hideous combination of egg shells and yellow yolk.
Q: Okay, I think I get it now. What about if I maintain steady eye contact and smile a slow oily grimace while eating my hard-boiled egg?
A: Seriously, what are you not processing? Wait — why are you now unpeeling your hard-boiled egg? Stop it. Put that shit away or get off the train.
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Previously Published on Medium
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