The commitment I have to what I believe in only grows, but now I’ll be working smarter, more thoughtfully and more consciously!
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A month ago I woke up in a sweat.
My first thought was that the nagging fever, along with a persistent cold, had finally broken. My second thought was that the pressure on my chest, one I had been noticing the past few days, could no longer be ignored. I told my partner, Kim, I had to get a hospital immediately. She called Über and five minutes later I staggered into the emergency room.
As I was carried down the hall on a gurney, I took a moment to say my goodbyes. Like a series of slides clicking from one to another in super fast speed, I pictured everyone, starting with my parents, Kim, my children, my friends, even subjects of my documentaries in war zones and death row, in Haiti, Liberia and Angola, and I thanked each and everyone.
Then into a room, hooked up to the Electrocardiogram, blood pressure, taking nitroglycerin, not once, but twice, and confirmation that I was having a heart attack.
I was never unconscious as they cut a hole in my groin, opened an artery, slipped the stent up to the heart and pulled out a bunch of clots. I felt some tugging and a bit of pain, but mostly it passed like a dream. By 9:00 a.m., I was back in a hospital bed, a bit numb, but definitely euphoric. I had dodged a bullet.
Grateful, because 9 weeks earlier I had been in Liberia where I would have died for sure. Grateful, because two weeks earlier I was in Haiti where I would have been stuck in traffic rushing to a hospital where the technology was probably not working or the doctor hadn’t shown up. Grateful, because just four days had passed since I had returned from Angola prison where I would have needed to be driven at least an hour to find a hospital capable of managing what took me minutes in NYC.
It was only when night arrived and I was alone, that I finally cried. I cried for the care free, adventuresome life I imagined I would have to give up, I cried out of fear that I could not make the changes that I knew I needed to make. Then I cried for the suffering of the hundreds, if not thousands of lives I had witnessed in my crazy, madcap journey. I knew I was alive, not because I was a better person or deserved it more than them, but simply because of the circumstance of birth.
I made a decision that night that I would make changes. I would move slower, think clearer, eat more consciously, eat less of what I shouldn’t eat and more of what I should. I would lose weight, exercise more and be less stubborn about going to doctors. I would breathe, show gratitude to life, try and love with a more open heart, and remember the blessings of being.
It is the granddaddy of all New Year’s resolutions, except that this time, I feel like I have no choice. Either I make changes or I shorten my life. I know I can’t do it all at once, but starting now I have made myself a promise and a commitment to begin making positive changes, one conscious choice at a time and that when I screw up, and I will, I won’t give up.
I want to do it for myself because life is amazing, even when there are days and weeks when my experience of it is not so good. And for my children, partner and friends who love me despite myself. I do it because I need more time to fix the mistakes I’ve made in life. I do it because I know I do good in the world, and there’s infinite good that needs doing.
I know I won’t get everything done that I can imagine doing, but I also know I’m not alone. What I cannot complete, I leave for others. Together we serve our greater purpose as we participate in the shared dream of being alive on this planet.
I saw those faces flashing as I went into the emergency room, but I realize now, I wasn’t saying goodbye, I was asking for more time.
June 2nd was my birthday. Someone asked me how it felt to be 58. I said I couldn’t feel better. Indeed, I got the gift I wanted … and I’m not giving it back.
And all of this is to say that the commitment I have to what I believe in only grows, but now I’ll be working smarter, more thoughtfully and more consciously!
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Photo: Getty Images