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The news this past week regarding comedian and actor Kevin Hart has raised the conversation once again around the perceived “going too far” of political correctness and the question of “what can actually be done to heal this?”
For those who do not know, Kevin Hart was set to host the 2019 Academy Awards show. Upon the Academy’s announcement, people began to ask questions about tweets of his from 2010 that were homophobic. His video response to this questioning included him saying that people can change who they are and what they believe over time and, that he was not going to apologize for something that occurred years ago. Later, he actually did apologize via tweet and announced that he was stepping down from the hosting spot, so as to not distract from the awards program.
Can people change? Yes. Absolutely!
For me, that part of Kevin’s response was particularly on-point. In recent years, I have spent quite a bit of time re-assessing how I was brought up, what I was taught and how culture has influenced me.
I recalled finding Eddie Murphy’s Delirious on Netflix recently. This performance was a staple of my childhood, and, watching it now as an adult in 2018, I was horrified by the barrage of homophobic jokes and discriminatory language just within the first ten minutes. And to really shine a spotlight on what I found funny at the time: I knew every word of Andrew “Dice” Clay’s act as well.
Back then, I thought these guys were hilarious, as did most of my friends. And, had I have known the effects these kinds of jokes were having on LGBTQ friends who were afraid to come out and express themselves, I would have thought differently. While historical context is important, it is not an excuse.
The reality is, even though straight people may look back at that fondly and believe it was no big deal because no one made a big deal about it, I know now that kind of dialogue made life more painful for many.
The question then becomes: How do we bridge the gap between what was once seen as ok and now is not?
It really is not that difficult. However, no one has taught us how to do this. I had a teacher years ago who told me, “Don’t ever let people put you up on a pedestal because they will love tearing you down.” Our culture regularly lifts people up and then destroys them with swift vengeance. And with all the retorts of “witch hunt,” it is easy for any error to become divisive.
I believe that we have been so conditioned to tearing down those who have done wrong, that those on the receiving end tend to either double-down, fade away or both. Generally, a quick and public apology followed by “laying low for a bit” and then testing the waters with a possible come-back, is the norm. This process changes nothing and honors no one, and we have seen this with stories related to Louis CK, Matt Lauer, and others.
When then-Senator Al Franken chose to leave the Senate upon allegations of his misconduct from years prior, I began to ask myself the question: “What would leadership do?” If there was really a way to address and correct past wrongs without automatically having to give up everything because of “justice,” what would that look like? Here is what I came up with:
As a relationship coach who has been trained in very high-level leadership programs where integrity is everything, and as a father, I know that true accountability goes far beyond just saying “sorry.” This is extremely clear as a parent. If my kid pees on the toilet seat and I point it out to him, “sorry” means very little, especially if this has happened repeatedly. Beyond the “sorry,” he needs to clean it up and take steps not to have that happen again. If you take that to a much larger scale like we are talking about here, “sorry I said those things” or “sorry I did those things” requires much more. It requires this:
- Taking responsibility for your actions and expressing remorse. “Yes, I did that thing, and I am so sorry.” Or, “Yes, it was wrong to do that thing, and I am really sorry.”
- Acknowledging the impact it had on those affected. “I get that doing that made you feel ______.” “I know that by saying that, it caused you to _______ .”
- Creating the correction. “And from now on, I will _______ to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” Or “I promise to _______ because it is important to me that no one else does anything similar.”
A great addition to this practice is to ask if there is anything else they need from you to be complete and to make sure you do what you promised you were going to do. I get that asking if there is more could result in a new barrage of responses in a public setting, however, being open to asking the question and listening for what is needed will go a long way. In personal relationships, especially, this demonstrates your commitment to each other.
Imagine how powerful a statement it would have been for Al Franken to have said, “Yes, I did that, and it was very wrong. I know that it has caused her pain and I am very sorry. Because this is such an important issue and still so prevalent, in an effort to make this right, I am going to commit the rest of my life to supporting women by donating to women’s shelters, speaking out on their behalf and pushing legislation that makes a difference.”
Or in Kevin Hart’s case: “Yes, I said those things, and it was wrong. I know that making those derogatory remarks, especially from a place of celebrity, makes it that much less safe and more painful to be LGBTQ, and I won’t have that. If the Academy will still have me, I will make sure to use my platform on the show and in the future, to fully support my brothers and sisters in this community.”
If the above statements were then followed up by the actions promised, imagine the impact. Imagine the healing that would occur.
These are the kinds of stances that inspire people and show us another way. We are such a culture of shame and guilt that accepting a wrong and making it right, with integrity and honor, is huge.
What is really wonderful here is that the process I mentioned above can be used in any situation, not just these media-spotlight type of instances. When I have made a mistake, not honored my word, misspoke to my kids or anything else, this is the process I have used, and it has made all the difference in the world.
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