A Man Used This Pick Up Line

I’d just cautioned my friend about men in bars which makes this story funnier. We’re both divorced. She was telling me how she wants to meet a man organically, not on dating apps.

“You met a guy organically so that gives me hope,” she says.

I’m surprised she’s bringing up a man we both knew. We haven’t spoken about him in ages. Is my friend correct? Yes. I did meet a guy in the wild…as they say in the dating world.

But I’d refused to date for years.

The law of averages meant I was ultimately going to meet someone.

And I didn’t meet him in a bar.

My friend likes going to the bars. Me? It’s been a fun detour. It’s been a ride but it’s not my route. The divorced bar scene…let’s just say you have to have a sense of humor.

My friend likes the attention.

I caution her, “You do know that’s not the good kind of attention, right?”

She laughs.

As life would have it (as it typically does) I wound up eating my words.

I just finished three years of post-divorce legal work. I never imagined it would take this long. This past year it has taken a toll. I was stressed and exhausted.

I wanted to go have a glass of wine.

I wanted to be by myself.

I wanted to sit with my thoughts.

I chose a speakeasy near my apartment building. It’s nestled in a distillery. It seemed appropriate. It’s quiet and dark just as the original speakeasies were designed so as not to draw attention during the Prohibition era.

I didn’t want to draw attention.

My friends rarely go there.

I wanted to fly under the radar.

A man was sitting a few seats away from me. I focused on my glass of red wine. I can be as quiet as I can be social. A little while later a second man joined him.

They conversed for a while.

I was still in my own world when one of them spoke.

I chatted with them for a little bit. The one guy called it a night. I continued to talk to the other. He was interesting. It was less bar talk and more business talk.

I’m a marketer and former business columnist.

I enjoy talking business even though it’s no longer my primary world.

This is where I let my guard down.

Well, that and the red wine. I probably should’ve chosen to stay home that evening. A lot of emotions and exhaustion were bubbling below the surface.

I rarely drink red wine when I go out even though I prefer it.

I stick to white wine because it doesn’t seem to hit me the same way.

Anyway, the business chat made him seem less of a ‘bar guy.’

And then he threw a line at me.

“You’re beautiful and you’re physically beautiful too.”

C’mon, it’s kind of a good line. Do you blame me for falling for it? A guy telling a woman she’s pretty in a bar means nothing. My friend might like it. I don’t think it means a thing.

But telling someone you find them internally beautiful…

It’s deeper.

I totally fell for it.

At least, initially I did.

“That’s such a nice thing to say.”

We’d been chatting for a few hours. It seemed somewhat conceivable that there was a trace of sincerity there, right? He didn’t seem like a typical ‘bar guy.’

It was plausible that it wasn’t some sleazy pick up line.

Or was it?!

Thankfully, there is something down deep in me that still screams, “Danger, Will Robinson.”

It was absolutely a sleazy pick up line.

The red wine woman woke up.

“Remember where you are!” I told myself. “A bar with a man you just met.”

All of the nuance evaporated. If not in that initial moment, it did later.

Bars aren’t a great place for dating after divorce.

Everyone can come across wrong both men and women. But this encounter reminds me why one guy I met stood out. He told me I had eyes that smile which made it feel like he wasn’t looking at me but into me.

He noticed something about me.

So what do surface comments mean?

It seems like a compliment (and generally accepted) pick up line to tell a woman she’s beautiful. And as always, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

What one man finds beautiful another may not.

Likewise, what one woman finds handsome another may not.

You add in ‘beer vision’ and it’s really not reliable. What looks beautiful in the light of a bar may not necessarily look beautiful in the light of a day.

It drives my one friend crazy to hear that compliment. It almost offends her. She will say, “They don’t know me and is that all they see?”

I fall in the middle of my friend who loves the good bar line compliment.

And the one who hates it.

It’s about sincerity and individual beauty because there are plenty of people I find more beautiful and handsome with time. It’s not about conventional physicality.

I was recently sitting with a man I’ve known for several years. We’re friends, nothing more. He’s a good guy. He has no interest in me, nor I in him.

“You know,” he said. “You’re really beautiful.”

I laughed.

“Oh for God’s sake,” I said. “You’ve known me for a long time. It’s the same face. It’s just the blonde hair that’s different.”

I was making a joke.

All I did was change my hair color.

It’s definitely true what they say about blondes getting attention. Note to all women: You want a pick-me-up? Dye your hair blonde. Evidently it turns you into a beauty.

In other words, I couldn’t take his comment to heart physically. But it meant a lot to me internally. He knows me. I have a big personality. I can be a lot. My Irish can bring out my smart ass.

I can be an acquired taste.

But he still sees beauty.

Maybe that’s the problem with bars.

We don’t know one another.

We don’t get a chance to get beyond the pick up lines, the external, and the alcohol. We don’t get a chance to say anything meaningful to each other in those few hours.

It’s just surface.

It’s just fun.

Nothing wrong with that.

Just not the right place to meet a man (or woman) in the wild.

At least not for this girl.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.