“I hope that pushy guy became more responsible,” he said as if he was any different from my ex-boyfriend who had also tested positive for the same virus he had.
He continued. “Well, I am glad I already had a test scheduled and was able to have an open conversation with you and take the necessary precautions.”
Were we living in the same world, or was that a lame attempt at manipulating me into believing he was different from my ex or most men, for that matter?
It is as if you have to drag men kicking and screaming to get tested. And I didn’t appreciate him placing judgment on another man — my ex-boyfriend in this case -when he, himself, didn’t want to practice safer sex.
I had to remind him of the events that occurred not too long before the conversation at hand.
“Do you remember what your response was to my asking about condoms?”
Just thinking about the conversation still makes me so angry.
This man asked to come over to my apartment to spend time together and attempted to have sex with me without a condom knowing he had unprotected sex with multiple women before me without having a recent STI test.
When I asked him about condoms, he said, “Well, I am in my 40s, and I haven’t gotten anyone pregnant yet,” as if the possibility of pregnancy was the only thing to worry about.
“I can go check my bag,” he said after he saw my hesitation, but the damage had already been done.
“When was the last time you were tested?” I asked.
“Over a year ago. Most places have been closed since COVID.”
“I got tested in September,” I responded.
I was already unsure of having sex with him because it seemed far too soon, but this definitely made my decision to say no easier.
The next morning he miraculously found ten or so condoms in his overnight bag, but the discovery and his attempt at an “I’ll finish myself off in the shower without you” guilt trip didn’t change my mind.
I was irritated but wanted to know how the rest of the day would go.
Forgive Him? Maybe
Surprisingly, it went well despite my refusal to sleep with him.
Though that should be the case every time you’re not ready for sex when your partner is ready, those weren’t my most recent experiences after telling men I wasn’t ready.
Weird shit happens when men are denied sex, but those are stories for other days. We had breakfast together that morning, and then he took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner.
He continued to open car doors, helped me take off and put on my jacket, had fun conversations while he looked me in my eyes while making me feel like the most precious person he had ever seen, and then dropped me back off at my apartment before kissing me goodbye.
It felt nice. While looking at the bouquet he bought me after our weekend together, I thought maybe he deserved to be forgiven for trying to sleep with me without a condom.
The Power Men Hold Sexually Is Unmatched
Men hold a lot of power when it comes to sex.
They have the power to stop when she says to stop or to rape.
Men have the power to keep the condom on or secretly take it off, which is an act of violence just as traumatizing as rape as it violates explicitly drawn boundaries between both parties.
And men also have the power to let the person he is sleeping with know it may have slipped off or not accidentally, — and a lot of times choose their own pleasure at the risk of their partner’s mental, emotional, and physical safety.
Even if I gave into every sexual craving I had whenever I had them, there would be no way to guarantee my partner would treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve outside of a monogamous relationship where we’ve both been tested and have had an open and honest conversation beforehand.
And if he was trying to have unprotected sex with me while making it clear he was quite active, then it stood to reason he was having a lot of unprotected sex with other women, and it wouldn’t be wise for me to take that leap yet.
A Close Call with Genital Herpes
He called me a few days later to let me know he had tested positive for genital herpes (HSV-2).
“Thank God I didn’t sleep with him,” I thought.
Having sex while he’s not on antiviral medication would not have fared well for me.
He explained that he never had any symptoms, that he would go on suppressive therapy to prevent himself from spreading the virus to a partner and prevent himself from having outbreaks in the future.
“Do you know who gave it to you?” I asked.
“Well, I’ve been active, so no, I don’t know.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to act when he told me the news.
He shared that he was feeling bad about now having to take medication for it every day for the rest of his life and didn’t like the stigma associated with having an incurable virus.
I tried to play it cool, for his sake, on the phone, but as soon as he hung up, the anger started creeping in.
Sexual Fallacies
After this call, the excuses men have for not wanting to wear condoms circled in my mind:
“I’m in my 40s, and I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant
“It doesn’t feel good when I wear condoms”
“You don’t seem like the type to sleep around, so I didn’t think I needed one.”
The same can be said for some of the answers I’ve heard when asking men the last time they’ve been tested:
“I haven’t been tested since 2012. I know my body I would know if I had something”
“What do you mean what did I get tested for? I was tested for everything.”
The number of sexual fallacies floating around is astounding; one is the idea that condoms are only used to prevent pregnancy when they protect from pregnancy and reduce the risk of STIs.
Another being the idea that you can determine the STI status of your partner based on the way they look and behave — the idea that if they look “clean” or “good,” they don’t have anything, when in fact you know how the saying goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover;” the idea that all STIs present symptoms and that you’d know if you had one when in fact many of them don’t present any symptoms at all; that when you go for your annual check-up, you are tested for all STIs when in fact most doctors don’t automatically test for HSV-1 and HSV-2, you have to request those tests.
Where Do We Go From Here?
Giving someone credit for something they should do can be problematic, but the courage it takes to disclose an STI is undeniable.
While I respect him for telling me, I couldn’t continue with him.
My decision wasn’t necessarily because he had HSV-2 — my doctor reassured me that practicing safer sex with him while he’s on antiviral medication would lower my risk of contracting HSV-2 and that HSV-1 and HSV-2 are relatively common.
Ultimately I decided because I didn’t trust him to keep me safe.
I couldn’t get over him trying to have sex with me without a condom, knowing he had been unsafe with women prior and without initiating a conversation about condom use or testing beforehand, and he could’ve caused me harm.
His disclosure would have meant more to me if he had disclosed before putting me at risk.
As someone who makes sure they are tested before starting a new relationship to ensure my partner’s safety, I deserve the same level of care from a potential partner.
And with the amount of sexual trauma I’ve experienced in the past, I knew I couldn’t continue.
I find myself often becoming a man’s safe haven — a place where they feel secure and taken care of because of my “good girl” nature — without them thinking of the harm they may cause me.
And quite frankly, I am over being the person having to educate partners about safer sex, condoms, and STIs.
Have All The Sex You Want, But…
By all means, have condomless sex if it makes you feel good, keeps you harder, longer, etc. but not without a conversation with your partner about testing beforehand.
And it doesn’t matter if an STI presents minimal or no symptoms for you, you never know how the infection may or may not affect your partner, and it is only fair that they know what they are getting into openly and honestly.
So until you have been tested and have had a discussion with your partner about the results of your STI test, practice safer sex by using a condom.
Getting Started: Let’s Talk About Sex
Below are two assignments; “The Initial Conversation,” and “Reviewing Your Lab Results.”
I believe that participating in conversations with our sex partners, adequate testing, and understanding our results will we be able to reduce the transmission of STIs, prevent the stigmatization of people with STIs, and the more we will trust each other.
The Initial Conversation Assignment
Sit down with your partner and engage in an open and honest conversation about sex before having sex by answering the questions below.
You are not engaging in this conversation to determine whether or not they are good or bad people, but to determine the level of care, you will need to take with each other if one or both of you test(ed) positive for an STI.
If either one of you tests positive for an STI, you may want to go to the doctor together to help you both determine the next steps for your sexual health and relationship that will keep you both safe.
- When was the last time you were tested for STIs?
- What were the results of your last STI test? Don’t be afraid to ask to see their results.
- Do you know what STIs you were tested for?
- How many sexual partners have you had since your last test? How safe were you? Do you usually use condoms? Dental dam?
- Would you be willing to get tested with me if I asked?
Reviewing Your Lab Results Assignment
Take a look at your last STI lab results by logging into your patient portal or contacting your doctor’s office to see which STIs you were tested for and which ones were missing from the test.
If you noticed you weren’t tested for one or more STIs, talk with your doctor about whether or not you should be tested.
Remember, most STIs are asymptomatic or present symptoms that aren’t as obvious as we think they would be.
Take the time to look at, touch, and examine your genitals.
Really think about how you’ve been feeling to see if there have been any changes in your body.
The doctor will surely ask if you’ve had any symptoms, and it’s important to take the time to think about whether or not you really have.
***
For more information on Sexually Transmitted Diseases and Infections, be sure to review the CDC’s resources and guidelines on data, prevention, testing, treatment, and more:
Sexually Transmitted Diseases – Information from CDC
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
