Every time I write about women’s experiences in dating, there’s always someone who shows up in the comments to speak on behalf of all men. The messages range from “not all men” to “but women also.” Sometimes, they launch personal attacks. What I rarely see is accountability.
I do sometimes address the problem of the bare minimum man. I don’t do it because I hate men or see men as the problem. I do it because it’s prevalent, and while I’m sure the bare minimum woman is equally prevalent, I’ll leave that topic for someone with more experience to cover. I do, however, have a message for the bare minimum man.
No One is Saying You Can’t Be Yourself
They often think that we’re saying that should change. Be different. Be taller. Have more money. Become someone more successful. But no one is saying any of that. We’re not saying that men need to change to be worthy of love. What we’re often saying is this:
Relationships require relational skills that the bare minimum man either (a) doesn’t have or (b) doesn’t use.
Relational skills can include effective communication, respectful conflict resolution, empathy, listening without being defensive, vulnerability, the ability to compromise, being able to laugh and have fun as a couple, and even knowing how to emotionally self-regulate. All these skills contribute to the health of the relationship. The bare minimum partner is lacking in the relational skills — or simply refuses to utilize them.
The point is that the man who makes little effort in relationships is fully capable of doing so but has elected otherwise. Instead of developing his relational skills and learning to be a more active and engaged partner, he usually cuts and runs when there are challenges. He takes it as a personal attack when someone suggests that his way of engaging with potential partners isn’t effective.
No One is Saying Women Are Blameless
What we’re also not saying — but they’re often hearing — is that women are blameless. We’re not. It’s also important that we learn better relational skills. I figured this out in my last relationship. I had learned better conflict resolution skills, but I struggled to stay honest and vulnerable when my anxious attachment was triggered. Relationships take two — and even more in polyamorous relationships. The point is that we all have to do the work.
But when we’re specifically talking about the problem of the bare minimum man, it’s not the time to point the finger back at women. Those topics exist, and I’ve written many of them. The difference is the power differential.
Since we live in a patriarchal society, it’s important to call men to account to help change the relational dynamics. We’re not challenging them to throw out their whole personalities. We’re simply asking that they join us in the work of relationships rather than continuing to demand our invisible labor. We’re advocating for more equitable relationships and holding men to account for holding up their side of them. While this is largely heteronormative, I also hear that the problem of the bare minimum man is equally an issue in the gay community.
What We Are Saying — And You Aren’t Hearing
Instead of seeing these topics as an attack, they can be a challenge to investigate the way that we engage in relationships. This is valuable feedback for anyone open to hearing it. We’re not discussing the problems in an effort to belittle men but in hopes that the relationship challenges we’re seeing can be made better if both sides are willing to learn and grow.
While that doesn’t have to be gender-specific, it’s simply a fact that men have invisible privilege that women don’t. Women have far more concerns when it comes to dating and relationships — concerns related to our safety and continued existence. We also bear more of the invisible labor in relationships. Although most of the research studies around the mental load women carry in relationships assume cohabitation, it’s also true that this dynamic exists outside the home as well.
Discussing the shortcomings of the bare minimum man doesn’t ignore women’s responsibilities. It doesn’t mean that we’re expecting partners to change who they are. What it does do is highlight the imbalance in relationships in hopes that couples can co-create healthier and more equitable partnerships. However, this can’t happen when the message is loss in the defensive reaction to hearing it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jordan Koons on Unsplash
