How do you communicate feelings when it’s hard to piece together?
When you need time to process, do you shut down or know how to ask?
Do you have a partner who asks you to open up, be more vulnerable, and become more expressive?
I have been in your shoes before.
As a previously lifelong dismissive-avoidant, I wasn’t aware this was happening. I wasn’t aware that it was a problem.
I thought everyone needed time alone to process how they felt.
Space and isolation are different things, and dismissive avoidants need to know the differences.
It is crucial to shift away from feeling comfortable in isolation.
As you work through the process, there is a way to ask your partner for leeway and explain why space is beneficial for you.
It requires transparency, vulnerability, and dedication: everything you’ve been allowed to get away with not showing up until now.
I like to make a point to my readers before we continue.
Under no circumstances do I write articles for people who don’t want to put in the work to transition toward a secure attachment style. We put in the time over here.
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The process
The first step in communicating your need for space is explaining why it benefits your relationship and not the reasons it helps you.
There is a tendency we have to view reason through the lens that we see it.
Others’ logic not matching ours can throw us off, and we question who is right or wrong.
Finding a middle ground sounds like you are losing something. The reality is that you are gaining something in the process.
The problem is that people generally speak about how something benefits them without considering their partner.
Your partner will be more receptive when they see how the action produces a positive result. Then, they can work with you to find a middle ground.
“When I have time and space, I can clear my mind.” Cool, what the hell does that do for your partner?
Vs.
“I want to make sure I am receiving your message correctly. Taking the time to process will help me address the point without feeling pressured into an immediate answer. Can I take x amount of time? (Space is minutes to hours, not days). I am feeling an emotion right now. (Don’t leave your partner without identifying an emotion.)
In the latter response, you gave your partner a time frame, explained what will happen, and gave a reason why it is best for the couple.
Again, you are working through the need for space while still asking for grace initially.
Back to the table
As a dismissive avoidant, you tend to come back from space feeling recharged and alleviated from the emotion you felt before.
We are about to kill that.
Space is not a get-out-of-jail-free card where you get to let go of emotion and come back to your partner because you worked through it in your mind.
When you return to the table, it is your job to tell your partner what feelings caused you to need space (as you should have already done in step 1).
One thing that has helped me coach people of any attachment style is to remove the word you when addressing your partner.
It does not mean neither of you is primarily responsible for the conflict, but it removes the feeling of being attacked and accused of something you didn’t intend to do.
“You never give me credit when I do nice things for you.”
Vs.
“I feel underappreciated when there isn’t recognition of my effort.”
The latter is a good starting point to work through the issue and what actionable items will make you feel appreciated in the future.
You thought we finished, didn’t you?
Explain why the emotion overwhelmed you to the point where you needed space. It is the hard part for dismissive avoidants.
You feel shame when you are overwhelmed with emotion, so it is necessary to break down why it got to you.
It is not that the situation made you feel underappreciated.
Feeling underappreciated makes you feel disrespected, which derives from feeling let down and, in the end, angry.
Full circle
You’ve explained why you needed space and broke down what went through your mind when you were alone.
The hard part comes next.
You don’t get to explain your need for space to gain acceptance of it.
You explain it so you can shift away from it.
When you talk through an issue with your partner, you make a solution for the next time it presents itself, so it takes less time for you to return to the table.
I will give you an example of how to do it, whether it was you or your partner bringing up the issue.
Your partner brings an issue up to you.
- Most likely, you felt blindsided and accused of something without getting the time to explain yourself without sounding defensive.
- Tell your partner which part of the situation was difficult to receive: the emotion, the behavior, or the delivery.
- Give them an actionable process in which you don’t feel overwhelmed. Ex: putting the issue in the air but giving you time to process their message.
You want to bring up an issue with your partner.
- Most likely, you want to distance yourself from the root. Generally, you think it’s your partner.
- Follow step 2 (what we went over in the previous paragraph, “back to the table”).
- Voice what will alleviate that feeling so you don’t have to step away without asking for space. You know what it is, but learn how to ask for it and step away from the independent “I don’t need help” mindset.
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It isn’t rocket science. It will get you moving in the right direction. Remember, it’s a process and not an overnight solution.
Be patient with yourself and, most importantly, your partner. They’re doing the same for you.
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Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
Or
Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session. Here. or email me at [email protected]
Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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