If you asked me how many self-help articles I’ve read and how many self-help videos I’ve watched so far in my life, I wouldn’t know what answer to give you.
Why? Because I’ve lost count.
When I was in college, I would read self-help books or articles almost daily. I was obsessed with improving myself and especially my self-esteem, which lay flat on the ground at that time.
Ah, the game of improving your self-esteem. It’s the center of the self-help industry, steering the ship of personal development. We all want to understand its essence and, of course, find the best ways to boost it.
But what if I told you you’ve been playing the game of personal development wrong all along?
Yes, you can increase your self-esteem. But that won’t help you nearly as much as you think.
A review of over 20,000 self-esteem studies has shown that boosting your self-esteem does not cause any demonstrable benefits. In fact, inflated self-esteem has been linked with selfishness, narcissism, and less teamwork.
Let’s dive a bit deeper.
The Label of Low Self-Esteem Can’t Capture All Parts of You
If you think about it, we tend to associate plenty of things and situations in our life with our low self-esteem. For example:
- If you don’t feel confident when you meet new people or find yourself in a big crowd of strangers, it’s because you have low self-esteem.
- If you always agree to do things you don’t actually want to do, or go out of your way to please people, it’s because you have low self-esteem.
- If you feel insecure about parts of yourself even though other people compliment them, it’s because you have low self-esteem.
- If you’re anxious before a date or a job interview, it’s because you have low self-esteem.
Now, I may not know you, your age, what you do for a living, or how you look, but I’m sure that you have felt at least one of the above things at one point or another.
Is your low self-esteem, however, truly the thing to blame for feeling like this?
According to clinical psychologist Joe Oliver, almost certainly not. He says that applying the label of low self-esteem to yourself is deeply problematic, because:
“Maybe you have found yourself agreeing with, for example, “not feeling very confident.” I’m willing to bet you can probably think of other times in life when you have felt confident. Or if you found yourself agreeing that you say yes to please people, you can likely think of times when you don’t say yes or please others. It kind of depends on the situation. It’s rare that a label can capture all parts of us across all possible contexts.”
People are multi-dimensional creatures and can display a range of feelings and exhibit different behaviors, depending on the situation and the state they find themselves in.
Just because you didn’t feel comfortable in a particular situation or with a particular person, doesn’t mean that you’re — necessarily — a person who needs to work on their self-esteem.
Before you put this label on yourself you should first observe how you behave in different situations, with different people, and under different circumstances.
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Confidence Won’t Make You Happier
This was eye-opening to me because never in a million years would I think that high self-esteem doesn’t equal happiness.
Like most people, I used to believe that having high self-esteem comes with many benefits and leads to an overall life satisfaction. I thought that once I’d cracked the code of being super confident, everything else would fall into place.
Well, the equation isn’t that simple.
Confidence isn’t even that important.
On the road to genuine happiness, self-acceptance is the real game-changer.
The relentless pursuit of confidence, that constant drive to appear unshakable and assured, can sometimes lead you down a path where the version of self-worth you attain is merely superficial. It can become a tiresome act, a constant performance to meet external expectations.
True contentment comes from within, from being at peace with yourself, irrespective of societal norms or others’ opinions.
Self-esteem refers specifically to how good, valuable, or worthy you see yourself, but self-acceptance refers to a far more global affirmation of self. It comes with embracing all facets of yourself, and not just the positive, more “esteem-able” parts.
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How to Jumpstart Your Journey to Self-Acceptance
“Stuck not broken” is an important part of moving forward. And this allows us to make space for our flaws, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, we get to see that all of these are simply part of being human and that none of them are the enemy or anything to run away from. In fact, these parts of ourselves we carry connects us with our common humanity. Rather than excluding us, they’re our ticket into the human race — in a genuine, authentic way.”—Joe Oliver, Ph.D.
Rather than comparing yourself to the people around you and striving to be someone fundamentally different from who you are, the key to living a calm, authentic, and fulfilling life is working on accepting yourself.
Here’s what you can do to jumpstart your journey to self-acceptance:
- Accept imperfection: You’re not perfect. You never will be. But that applies to everyone you’ve ever known and every new person you’ll meet throughout your life. We all have our flaws and a bad side that we’re not very proud of. Accept your imperfections and forgive yourself for your mistakes. All your heroes and role models make plenty of them, too.
- Surround yourself with uplifting elements: Make sure you surround yourself with elements that uplift and inspire, whether it’s people, objects, or experiences so that when you feel insecure and start doubting yourself, there’s someone or something good to turn to. Seek out individuals who uplift and inspire you, those who encourage you and celebrate your successes.
- Confront your fears: The best move you can make to feel like you’ve won the battle of proving to yourself you’re good enough is confronting your fears. Facing your fears and working through them, brings you closer to your inner self, boosts your confidence, and makes you feel proud of who you are and what you’re able to achieve.
- Forget about other people’s opinions: Most people struggle to accept themselves because they let other people’s opinions affect their self-image. A harsh truth about life is that people are gonna judge you, no matter what you do. We all grow up in different environments and are raised with different values, so it’s natural not to like and agree with every person we meet. It goes without saying that other people’s opinions about you don’t mean a thing.
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Final Thoughts
Sometimes, you think you know one thing, and then something comes up and turns your whole world upside down.
Okay, I might exaggerate a little, but learning that I have been using the term low self-esteem wrong all along was at least surprising for me, so I guess — and hope — this article had the same effect on you as well.
Remember, it’s not about changing yourself.
It’s not even about improving yourself.
It’s more about peeling back the layers and discovering the authentic “you” underneath all the societal labels and expectations.
The authentic “you” may evolve and adapt as you gain new experiences and insights. Embrace this fluidity, and don’t be afraid to redefine yourself on your terms.
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Thank you for reading! For more relationship advice, tips, and stories you can subscribe to my free newsletter.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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