A Strange and (Possibly) Entertaining Story

While I have shared the story of my narcissistic/psychopathic ex here previously, I’m not sure I included one of the oddest parts–how I ended up living in a foreclosed house as part of a rental scam.

Here’s what happened. When I met the ex, I was living in a small, cute house near downtown Santa Fe with my two cats. I was walking distance from all the cool stuff, and had a cosy set up that worked. He had a rental house a bit further out of town–much more of what I would call a “grown up” place with high ceilings and classic New Mexico touches like a kiva fireplace. He came to my place one night for dinner, and had a hard time because (he said) he was allergic to the cats.

We really liked each other (this was, of course, the love bombing stage and he was being wonderful) and wanted to be together as much as possible. I started spending a lot of time at his place, which made me feel ungrounded and neglectful of my kitties, but it seemed there was not a good solution because (he said) he couldn’t even come in the front door of my place due to how bad (he said) it made him feel.

The house he lived in had a mother-in-law apartment that was attached but still separate. This was rented to someone else, and jokingly one day I said “Gee, if she ever moves out, that would be the perfect solution.” The next day he told me he had mentioned to his landlady that if the apartment were ever available, I would be interested and she responded that the person who lived there was moving out, and did he want it? So, he asked me, did I want to move in?

Gulp. At this point we had only been dating a few weeks. This was way too soon, but I was concerned that if I didn’t say yes, it would be another year before the place was available, and I simply couldn’t take a year of driving back and forth and leaving my cats alone most nights. And you know (love bombing stage) it was going so well. Why not? So I did. We renegotiated a lease for both spaces and I moved in.

It’s such a relief to have my cats and my stuff and I no longer felt like I was splitting my life. I did projects around the house, trimmed trees and weeded, and settled in. I’d been there maybe a month or so when one day a young man came to the door with an iPad in hand. “Yes?” I asked.

“Oh,” he replied. “I was just checking out this property for the bank I work for. No one is supposed to be living here. I have it as an empty property.”

“Well, we have a lease,” I said, my nervous system amping up. “We’re renting this place.”

“I’d check with your landlord,” he said, not unkindly. “This is a foreclosure and it is supposed to empty. I’m just checking to make sure everything is ok.”

He left, and thus began a very strange six to eight months. I am not comfortable with fraud or deception. I like things to be clear, aboveboard, legal and honest. The ex, on the other hand, relished all that was shady and suspect. (Red flag, I know.) He used to speak with admiration about an ex-GF who had figured out how to get free rides on the NY subway system. He found the situation intriguing and, while I wanted to get the heck out of there, he wanted nothing more than to somehow take advantage of it. Or so he said.

Now, I need to acknowledge that a) this all freaked me out and b) I do not like conflict. And because the ex had no problem dealing with this situation, I didn’t do much directly myself. Instead, I just went by what he told me and took it as the truth. He said he communicated with the landlord and they had some excuse as to why this was not true. He said he had looked into the deed of the house and found it registered by an LLC in another state, but that in New Mexico anyone can register a deed whether or not they actually own the house. He said he found the person who had owned the house before it went into foreclosure and talked to her. He said he talked to a lawyer and was advised not to do anything for the time being. He even said he met a woman at a party once when I was out of town who knew our landlord and had been approached about being part of this sort of scheme.

There was regular drama and each new update just made me more convinced that I was lucky he was dealing with it. And through it all, he was unperturbed and even seemed to be enjoying it. But it was still unsettling and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea that the “lawyer said we didn’t need to do anything.”

One day there was an official letter on our door saying we had to leave — I think it came from the bank who owned the house. This definitely felt like an escalation and I insisted he talk with the lawyer. He said the lawyer told him we were about to be named in a lawsuit, so yeah, it was time to move on. Coincidentally, at this time I had just inherited some money from a relative, which would allow us to buy a house. Interesting timing.

We started looking for a house to buy, found one fairly quickly, and arranged to move. He told our so-called “landlord” and she started scheduling viewings for new renters. I was aghast, and said we had to tell people this was a scam. He said that he had talked with the lawyer about this and was told the landlord could sue us for interfering with their income if we did so. I was astonished, but once again believed him. The house was shown to unsuspecting people and it just about killed me not to say anything. I stayed in my office, but he walked the potential renters through with the landlord, seemingly unfazed.

We moved out and settled into our new place. I mentioned one day that I was going to drive by the old place and see who had rented it. He very sternly cautioned me not to do so, that it was not safe (?). Once again, I listened. A week or so later, he told me the president of our old HOA had contacted him to tell him that there had been a wild party with a car in the ditch and gunshots (!). HOA guy wanted to know if we had contact info for new renters. Wow, I thought, glad I didn’t go by. Scary.

Fast forward, relationship really gets bad, I leave and reconstruct my life. I can’t get him out of the house we bought with my down payment, so I hire a lawyer. Lawyer tell me to hire a private investigator to do a background check. When I am talking to PI to give him all ex’s info, I think maybe I should tell him all about this whole weird house fraud thing. I actually mention it sort of as an afterthought. PI tells me yeah, that’s a known thing. Scammers find abandoned houses and take them over. Generally, he says, the person living there is in on it.

And so I start looking at everything that happened through a different lens. I realize that everything he told me was just that — what he told me. I never talked to a lawyer. I never dealt with the landlord. I didn’t see the email from the HOA president. I had no direct experience with any of it except meeting the bank rep and seeing the letter on our door. Even that could have easily been forged in order to get me more motivated to buy a house and move, which was, I believe, his end game.

And so, I turn to you, dear reader. The ex is no longer with us in earthly form, and I have no proof whatsoever that he was involved in this scheme. But when you hear this story, what do you think? Did he make up all the stories or were they true? Did we both get caught up in a scam, or was this another way he manipulated me? I have to say, at the time it felt completely plausible. But when I reflect on it and write it out, it seems highly suspect.

Ah well, as they say, the world may never know…..

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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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