This might sound strange coming from a guy, but I’d always thought pinching my belly fat was normal.
I was going to lose from being on this trip, or if my workout was hard enough yesterday, or if I picked the right exercises.
The sheer time I spent worrying about my body image was enormous.
I was quickly realizing that all of this time spent in my head worrying about my body was not only a huge waste of time, since it didn’t actually improve my body at all, but it was significantly affecting my ability to be confident and connect with other people.
I also realized my lack of confidence and ability to love myself was actually preventing me from fully loving anyone. I would hold them all to the same unreachable standard I held myself to, always reminding them of their flaws. Unintentionally, I had put my family and girlfriend into a state of being not-good-enough and worthless when they were around me. Cue breakups (yes, I mean plural) and regular family arguments. Instigator? Always me.
But that’s where I’m at now. Let’s go back to when it all started.
Well, they actually were. My Dad said he was proud of my marks, he just liked to also express love by pointing out areas of improvement. I chose to reject the love he showed me and focus on his criticism.
So, I obsessed over marks. I thought that if I could bring up my lowest marks to A’s, then I wouldn’t need to keep improving. I thought I would be good enough. Maybe then I would be fully loved.
Sure enough, after a couple years, I made it happen.
Finally. Straight A’s! But, the same thing happened. He praised my good marks, and pointed out the low ones. All A’s, but not all A+’s. Convinced he wouldn’t love me until my marks were all prefect, I trudged on.
This continued throughout high school. Even when I got into my top two universities, and won a full-ride scholarship, it wasn’t enough. While he said he was proud of me, he reminded me that I still hadn’t made it yet. The school I wanted to go to had a program where I had to maintain good grades for two more years, in order to get into the 3rd and 4th year program.
I loved sports. I was an athletic fellow, but not exactly for the powerful sports requiring large muscles to compete in like football or rugby. Instead, I got good at cross-country, ultimate frisbee, track & field, and hockey (I was a goalie). I remained athletic and small.
My dad didn’t want me playing football or rugby even though I begged him for years, because he was too afraid I would get a head injury. I felt like this supressed me in a big way, especially since my school was known for its strong rugby team. Meanwhile, all of my friends got to play.
Compared to them, I felt extra small. And I told myself the girls thought so too.
Once I got to university, I still was without the bathroom sex. But I knew it was coming. I was patient. I had to get just a little bit bigger.
In second year, I stumbled into living with a bunch of guys who were good with the ladies.
At the same time, I realized that I didn’t need to do any homework for school. I didn’t need to maintain a high average to get into my program in third year, and my courses were easier than expected. So, to stave off boredom, I took all my energy that I normally put into homework and put it into partying.
For the whole year, we partied with women who were very physically attractive, but I never felt confident enough to talk to any of them. I was too small, and they weren’t all flocking to me yet. One of my roommates told me I was “too much in my head and overthought everything”. I never figured out what to do about it.
It made me sad because I felt like I was losing. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to be accepted by my boys. I felt that, without having sex with physically attractive goddesses, I would never get this acceptance. I just couldn’t get it out of my head that my muscles were too small.
By the end of third year, I didn’t feel the need to please my Dad through school anymore since I had gotten into my program and found out it was pretty much impossible to fail out. That problem was gone. But, I still did not feel strong enough to be worthy of attractive women.
I was starting to approach the goals I set out for myself that I thought might qualify me as ‘big enough’ in high school. I could now bench press 200 pounds, squat 300, and deadlift 400. But immediately after reaching each milestone, I was back to convincing myself I was too small, adjusting the goal up another 100 pounds.
Not many people talk about guys being self-conscious about their bodies.
It seems to me this is reserved for females in modern society. I can assure you that I was extremely self-conscious about my body. I still am.
Reflecting on it now, it seems insane. I would spend hours every day playing sports, working out, or both and I would still have so many worried thoughts about my size. I would constantly squeeze my belly fat, feeling like I was too fat. I would always look at the way my shirts covered my arms, never filling them out enough. I would grab the skin on my neck, worried about it growing too fatty. It was always on my mind. Especially when I was out at the bar.
It wasn’t until I decided I would stop chasing after women, at the end of third year, that things really started opening up for me. I was able to focus my energy on getting what I really wanted, which, at the time, was an awesome summer job, reading books, working on personal development, and spending time with friends. I was busy with things I enjoyed and I was finally without the burden of a failing sex life. It was just nonexistent.
What a glorious break it was.
Not that I was over being self-conscious of my body, but I was finally starting to get out of my head. Instead of constantly worrying about chasing women all the time, desperately trying to get whatever sex I could get, I could focus on me, finally calm down, and live a more relaxed existence.
By accident, the break from girls uncovered the silliness of the entire game of chasing women. Due to the distance I had created from the pursuit of women, it quickly became obvious that my boys were tying their self-worth to their success of chasing women. I would end my nights in a similar emotional state to how I started them (because I wasn’t playing the game), but it would pain me to see many of the guys in our group shaming themselves for going home alone.
I now realize the whole pursuit to get bigger, and eventually become worthy of physically attractive girls, was a backwards one. I was already good enough. In fact, I was pretty freaking great. And I didn’t need to have sex with physically attractive women to prove it.
The biggest realization that came to me on my current trip halfway around the world, was that while I should care about my health, I shouldn’t spend time worrying about it. Worrying doesn’t help me.
After many months of not looking for sex, my now girlfriend popped into my life. While her good looks drew me in at first, I have found much deeper qualities to have kept the relationship going. Things like thoughtfulness, honesty, kindness, and conscientiousness have turned out to be exponentially more important than the surface level qualities I couldn’t see past as a lost, single man.
These learnings with my girlfriend uncovered for me that I was entirely wrong about the role of physical attractiveness in the game of young people attracting one another. I think that focusing on building just surface level qualities will attract surface level relationships. But, if I can use my energy to build a deep confidence in myself, working to create a life I am happy with, then I think I will be much more likely to attract a woman that I can deeply connect with in a long-term relationship.
Now, I’m working on getting rid of all my fat-pinching tics, and on spending less time worrying about my looks in general. With good habits built up from years of caring way too much about health, I tend to already make healthy choices that take care of my appearance. Worrying about it all the time only adds stress, which can be very unhealthy for my body, relationships, and life.
Finally, I’m starting to find value in appreciating things as they are, not hating them for the perfection they aren’t.
—
Join The Good Men Project Community.
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many of our new Social Interest Groups, calls about life in the 21st century, and classes (writing, platform building, leadership, social change) as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.
Register New Account
*Payment is by PayPal.
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
Photos courtesy of the author.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
—
Featured image credit: iStock
