Achieving the Dream Sometimes Destroys It

I was recently watching an episode of The Diary of a Ceo with psychiatrist, Dr Alok Kanojia, and had a mind-blowing epiphany about my ex-husband and the end of our marriage. In an instant the stream of words that came out of Dr K’s mouth brought me the peace I had been seeking for the past two years since my ex blindsided me with his decision to walk away when I was in the midst of a professional and mental health crisis.

Initially, my ex-husband and I had been in a long-distance relationship- quite literally on opposite sides of the globe. We were in that whirlwind of “honeymoon love” for 3 years as I visited him in his country every 3 months until he arrived on my continent.

Then reality set in.

When you are in the throes of long-distance love you are in a perpetual dopamine-seeking state. When will I see him again? When will I touch him again? When will we be on the same continent? When will we be only a hair’s breadth apart? It is like an addiction- when will I get my next fix of his love?

While we were long distance, the goal was always to be together forever, on the one continent, in the one country, under the one roof, in the one bed. And we never thought about life beyond the attainment of that dream.

So, when he arrived as my husband to live permanently with me, the dream was won. He was here! Now, what?

The days of being together for 2 weeks at a time in our love bubble with the focus only being to make love every day and explore his country together were gone. We were now married and living together. No more honeymoon phase. No more shutting out the world and responsibilities. No more just the two of us. We had to deal with my family, with jobs, with finances, with living arrangements, with shared responsibilities, with miscarriages, with my vegan diet and his omnivorous diet, with our age difference, with the differences that attracted us to each other now becoming a problem.

The thing was though, despite these differences and issues being glaringly obvious, neither of us addressed them. We pretended they weren’t there and glossed them over with daily declarations of eternal love. And although his first year here with me was just as magical as all those escapades in his country, eventually it started to feel more like we were housemates than a married couple who were madly in love with each other.

We achieved the dream. So, why was I suddenly depressed, and why was he suddenly pulling away from me?

I blamed my job, and then when he left me, it felt like I never saw it coming. But truth be told, the signs were there. I just refused to see. I was holding on to the dream of marital bliss and believed the extraordinary lengths we took to be together in honour of our extraordinary love were enough to keep us together. And even though I was depressed at the time, my love for him was as strong as the day I had met him.

I believed that love could sustain us. I was wrong.

It is human nature to grow. And if you can’t grow together, you will inevitably grow apart.

And the dream you once fought so hard for and won, then gets replaced with a new dream.

The key is to find someone with the same dream and the willingness to grow with you beyond it.

Unfortunately, my ex-husband was not that man. And that’s ok. I wish him well and have nothing but love in my heart for him.

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If you are curious about the eye-opening episode of The Diary of a CEO I was referring to, please see below: