The further people go into addiction, the more their lives center around it. They discard all forms of recreation in favor of activities that include the addiction. All of their friends become using friends. Non-using friends drift away and the addict is drawn to those who don’t judge because they, themselves, are doing the same thing. Sometimes particular careers are chosen for their proximity to the drug of choice. Alcoholics become bartenders; potheads, musicians; drug users, drug dealers.
In some cases, intimate relationships end as the loved one finds that he or she is a low priority compared to the drug. They are replaced by one of two kinds of relationships: either the type where the loved one picks up after the addict and helps the addict escape the consequences, or the type where the relationship is all about use.
Things go like this until the person enters recovery, then he or she finds that all the things they love are connected in some way to use.
He can’t see his friends because all his friends use and are unlikely to support his recovery because it would challenge their own use.
The alcoholic bartender can’t return to work without being tempted to drink; the marijuana smoking musician has to watch what she does on breaks; the addicted drug dealer has to learn to sell something else.
Otherwise innocent forms of recreation, hobbies, or art may put the recovering addict at risk. A writer who cannot write without a bottle of scotch at hand is in trouble; a painter who seeks inspiration in LSD has got to find a new muse.
Even intimate relationships can be a problem if they were associated with chemical use. The wife who lovingly keeps your refrigerator stocked with brewskis, even though she hates your drinking, is as much of a problem as the breswkis themselves. The boyfriend who was your connection to a dealer may have to go as well as the dealer.
The general principle is this: first the drug takes you hostage, then it takes everything you love hostage. Even if you get yourself free, the drug still has the other hostages in its clutches. You want to be near them, but to go near puts you at risk.
Every recovering addict wants to go in and free the hostages. They want to save their loved ones who are still addicted. They want to continue writing that novel that was started under the influence of scotch, finish that painting, inspired by a meaningful trip, work at their job, see their friends. But, consider this: you’ve seen enough hostage movies to know, it’s dangerous to free the hostages. Be sure you are safe and secure before you try it.
How to Tell If You’re a Hostage?
How can you tell if you’re a free person or a hostage? What’s the difference between the two?
• Free people have choices. Hostages must do what they’re told.
• Free people can leave and speak. Hostages are captive and silenced.
• Free people share power. Hostages have no power.
• Free people compromise. Hostages adjust.
• Free people are trusted. Hostages are checked up on.
• Free people are loved. Hostages are blackmailed.
• Free peoples’ boundaries are observed. Hostages’ boundaries are violated.
So, which is it? Are you a free person or a hostage?
Which do you have? A free person or a hostage?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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