All My Exes Think I’m an Assh*le. What Am I Doing Wrong?

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m writing to you after having just ended another relationship, and I keep getting the same feedback from women I date: that I’m too intense, too argumentative and dismissive and that I always have to be right. This is enough of a recurring issue that I can’t seem to hold on to a relationship for more than a few months before my girlfriend and I end up having this fight.

For context, I don’t think of myself as combative, I just enjoy talking about ideas and challenging people’s opinions. I have always had a strong personality, I pride myself in my education, I like deep conversations, not small talk. But apparently, the women I date don’t see it that way.

One ex told me I always had to “win” every discussion. For example, we once spent an entire dinner debating whether streaming services have ruined music, and she got upset when I picked apart her points, pointed out that mathematically there’s a pattern to a pop hit and told her she “didn’t understand the economics of the industry.” I thought we were just having a lively debate, but she said it felt like I was trying to prove she was stupid.

Another woman said I was “judgmental” because I teased her about her taste in music and movies. She loved pop songs and romantic comedies, and I couldn’t resist pointing out how formulaic they were. I thought I was being funny and analytical; she said I made her feel small and defensive.

My most recent ex told me that I was always shooting down her ideas and treating her like she was stupid or foolish, no matter what she suggested. I don’t recall anything like this at all, if I’m being honest.

I’ve also been told I come off as “intense” because I always have to be doing something meaningful—reading, learning, improving. If a girlfriend just wants to watch a reality show or scroll on her phone, I find myself asking why she’s wasting her time. I honestly don’t mean to insult anyone, but apparently that’s how it comes across.

So here I am, genuinely trying to understand: am I just dating the wrong people, or is this something I need to work on? Am I just, as my last ex accused me, an asshole who needs to disagree with everyone?

How can I be passionate and thoughtful without coming across as condescending or exhausting?

Sincerely,

Too Much To Love (Maybe)

There’s a saying that comes up a lot around here, TMTL: if you meet one person who calls you a horse, you met a crazy person. If four people call you a horse, maybe it’s time to get fitted for a saddle.

You’ve had several exes calling you a horse in a row, and apparently for the same reason every time. Sounds to me like it’s time to go to the Feed and Seed and see what the fall dressage line looks like.

I’ll be honest, TMTL, whenever I hear someone describe themselves as having “a strong personality”, what I hear is “I bulldoze my way through life and then wonder why people don’t thank me for it.” 9 times out of 10, this isn’t coming from a place of self-awareness as much as a place of pride. Which makes sense in as much as it’s another example of “traits men admire in other men” that, strangely enough, women don’t appreciate. And frankly, it’s also a trait that men admire in other men… until they’re on the receiving end of it. Everyone loves the concept of the alpha male until they have to deal with the so-called alpha male, at which point folks understand that having every conversation be a fight for dominance is fucking exhausting.

That’s what’s going on here and why you’ve got a string of exes all singing the same song: you sound like you’re exhausting to deal with and, quite frankly, it sounds like you are completely unaware of how this comes across to people who have to deal with it on a daily basis.

Some of this should be obvious if you think about it from someone else’s perspective, but I want to focus on one that I don’t think you realize you’re doing, first. It’s a little trickier to demonstrate, seeing as you’re apparently between relationships but do your best to think back: how many times have you dismissed something your exes suggested or brought up out of hand, without even thinking about it? No moment of consideration, no careful thought, just an immediate, knee-jerk response of “nah”, regardless of what the proposal was. And how many times have you actually taken your exes’ side in an argument or on an issue she’s having that doesn’t involve you?

The odds are good that you do this frequently and likely without realizing it – hence your own comment about how this isn’t how you remember things going down. In fact, many men don’t realize how often they do this until someone brings it to their attention. It’s behavior that’s so embedded that you (the general “you”) don’t realize that you’re doing it until you start consciously paying attention to how you’re responding.

It’s an insidious behavior that undermines your connection with your partner by making them feel like their interests, thoughts or experiences are constantly being dismissed by someone who should, in theory, have their back. It takes very time before dismissal starts feeling like contempt, which is one of the Four Horsemen of relationship extinction events.

And believe me, this is very much a “yes, all men” kind of thing. I didn’t realize how often I’ve done this until I got called out on it, and damn that was an eye-opener.

But while we’re talking about self-awareness, here’s another question: how often have you ever conceded a point or “lost” one of the “lively” debates you’ve had with your exes? When is the last time, if ever, you found that your ex was right or made a better case for their opinion and you had to reconsider yours?

While you’re pondering that, let me explain precisely why your exes get tired of your “lively debates”: it’s that whole “dismissal turning to contempt” issue I mentioned before. There’s a difference between a lively debate between friends and just outright telling a person that they suck and their opinions suck. To indulge with a pop-culture comparison, it’s the difference between Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory in My Dinner With Andre talking about life and philosophy and their experiences, and Jack Black just shitting on people’s musical taste in High Fidelity. Shawn and Gregory may not agree, but it doesn’t feel like Gregory is actively demeaning Shawn, who has a different view (and also, a much less lavish lifestyle). Jack Black’s character, on the other hand, just wants everyone to know that he is the Arbiter of Good Taste and if you listen to anything that is outside of his personal pantheon, you’re a loser and a sheep.

Even in the examples you mention, you aren’t saying “here’s why I don’t enjoy top-40 pop” or “This television show doesn’t hold my interest”, you’re saying “these things are objectively bad and you’re a lesser person for enjoying them.” Even when you allow for actual facts – streaming has been bad for music because of how bad a deal it is for musicians – you’re not criticizing streaming, you’re criticizing your ex.

The same thing with reality shows or rom-coms and the like. When you call them brain rot or formulaic, you’re accusing the person you’re dating of being stupid. The comparison you make about “relentless self-improvement” to “mindlessly scrolling” is a perfect example. What you’re doing is telling the other person that not being exactly like you is a moral failing. Leaving aside that being formulaic or following tropes doesn’t make something bad, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying something mindless. I don’t know if you noticed but shit’s pretty dire right now. The country’s sliding towards fascism, the world economy is in freefall, masked goons are snatching people off the streets and tens of millions of people are on the brink of starvation in the US alone. Finding an opportunity to relax and enjoy some brain candy isn’t wasting one’s time, it’s recouping. It’s giving oneself a chance to relax, re-energize and avoid burnout. Shit, even the hardest of hard-core gym bros understand that you need rest days in order to recover and not sabotage your gains.

Those moments of not needing to grind, hustle or constantly think about the trash fire we’re living in is part of how people are able to continue surviving and growing and changing things. There’s a reason why “morale officer” is a vital part of the armed forces.

The fact that it doesn’t fit into your world view of “improvement” or “challenging yourself” doesn’t make it bad. The fact that it’s something that you don’t see as being “important”, “valuable” or “insightful” doesn’t make it worth less. That’s a classic example of “what you like is extraneous trash, what I like is important”, especially when it aligns with gendered stereotypes; it’s a little like how computer programing was considered “women’s work”… right up until computers came into wider use and were an important part of the economy.

But just as importantly, something doesn’t need to be practical to be valued or worthwhile. Enjoying something because it’s lightweight and fluffy hurts precisely nobody. You’re certainly free to not like it and to not engage with it. But the fact that you don’t care for it doesn’t make it ok to shit on someone else for enjoying it. If you want to stop getting dumped for being a snobbish and argumentative asshat, you might want to consider adopting a stance of “it’s not for me” or “I’m not the target market” instead of declaring that it’s hot garbage for garbage people.

If you want to “debate” something or “challenge people’s opinions” on pop culture, maybe you should come to it from a place of curiosity instead – what do they enjoy about it, what about it speaks to them, what do they get from it? If you just want to talk trash about it, that’s fine – you can do that with like-minded friends. I enjoy having a Hallmark Christmas movie snark-a-thon with friends; I’ve even recorded live-react podcasts with friends about it. But I’m not going to go out of my way to tell my friends who unironically enjoy them that they’re dumb for watching it. The most I’ll do is share the sort of gentle, knowing ribbing from people who clearly love it – the difference between CinemaSins dumping on Star Trek and Lower Decks doing it. At least then, it’s coming from a place of affection, not disdain.

And this is the reason why you keep having these issues: you’re coming from a place of disdain and dismissal, telling people you supposedly care about that what they like is bad and they’re bad for liking it. If you want to actually have a relationship that lasts, start coming to things from a place of “It’s not for me, but I’m glad you dig it.” Otherwise, you’re just going to have more people pointing out how profound of an asshole you’re being as they walk out the door. Again.

Good luck.

***

Doc,

I’m feeling a little hurt right now, and I’m hoping some wise words might help me put things into perspective.

In some ways, I’m similar to a few of the other people who’ve written to you. I’m a guy who, by most accounts, seems to have a lot going for him. I’ve heard it all; “handsome,” “a great guy,” “intelligent,” “funny”, and I get compliments pretty regularly. On one hand, it’s nice; on the other, it can feel like a bit of a curse.

The reality is, my life doesn’t really reflect what I hear from others. I don’t have friends, and women rarely show interest in me. Even as I’ve grown in other areas of life, such as confidence, finances, fitness, and social skills, that part of my life hasn’t really changed. I get along with people, great at making people feel at ease and welcome, and I’ve noticed the occasional glance my way as I’ve moved through my thirties, but overall, things are much the same as when I was younger. There’s more to the story, of course, but that’s the gist of it.

Then I met “Sasha”. We crossed paths at a hobby group I attend regularly, and things just clicked. We shared a lot of values and common interests, and being around her felt easy and peaceful.

She’d been through a couple of rough relationships in the past but had stayed in them for years. Early on, she told me she wanted a partner who could communicate well, be honest, and show vulnerability. I’m good at the first two, but vulnerability has always been a bit harder for me, mostly because I haven’t had many “safe” relationships. I’ve also grown a little skeptical when women say they value vulnerability, since reality often seems to tell a different story. Still, she said she was really happy to have met me and was enjoying our time together, and overall, I thought we were having a great time.

A few months in, I finally let my guard down. I opened up about something personal, although nothing dramatic, and, for a brief moment, I cried a little. She held me close, hugged me tightly, kissed me gently. It was one of the most beautiful, human moments I’ve ever experienced, and one I’ll never forget.

But afterward, things started to change. Our communication instantly began to taper off, and a week later, she told me she wasn’t “ready for a relationship [with me].”

How am I supposed to make sense of this? People tell me I’m an amazing guy, yet I don’t have a single real friend. I hear things like, “I bet all the girls love you,” but I’ve gone more than a decade without even a date. And when I finally meet someone and start to let my guard down, I’m cast aside faster than the ones who treated her badly.

I’m just trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong to keep ending up in this place. Is there something about me I can’t see? Do I secretly just hate myself?

Shaka, When The Walls Fell

Alright, SWTWF, I’m going to preface this by saying that this is going to sound like I’m dunking on you, but I promise: this is coming from a place of genuine empathy and wanting to help you understand what’s going on. Do me a favor and hold on to any knee-jerk responses you may feel reading this until you get to the end, ok?

I do have to say that this is another one of those letters where I feel like important details are being glossed over or left out. I can understand why you might not want to go into detail about what you mentioned when you opened up, or why you have a hard time being vulnerable or those “unsafe” relationships, but it’s the sort of thing that makes it a lot easier to pinpoint where the problems are.

Now, that being said, I’ve been doing this job for a while, and I think I can make a couple of educated guesses about what’s going on.

It comes down to this: “I’ve also grown a little skeptical when women say they value vulnerability, since reality often seems to tell a different story”.

This is something I hear a lot from guys – the idea that women want a guy to be real and vulnerable but when they are, women are repulsed by it and go back to someone else. And more often than not, that “someone else” is seen as someone who’s somehow “worse” or “treated her badly”.

(Put a pin in that, we’re going to come back to it in a minute.)

Now, the common denominator in all of these stories are that the guys who relate them are all emotionally unavailable and walled off. Many don’t have close friends, and often when they do have close friends, those friends are a) women and b) women they’re romantically interested in. And that is where shit tends to go sideways.

Here’s the problem: men in general are socialized to be disconnected from our emotions. It’s part and parcel of the incredibly restrictive and hegemonic ideals of “masculine behavior”; we’re expected to be stoic and unbothered, where the only emotions we’re allowed to express freely are anger, pride and lust. Everything else is to be hidden away from the public at all costs, even from your girlfriend or spouse, lest she “lose respect for you”. This is behavior that’s taught explicitly and implicitly all over the place – from “sensitive” male characters being portrayed as weak, girly or less-effective in pop-culture to right-wing chuds like Matt Walsh proudly announcing how little empathy he has and how he knows next to nothing about what’s going on in the life of his supposed best friend.

And this is learned behavior. Boys are as openly emotional, vulnerable and affectionate as girls, right up until their teens; that’s when the social conditioning kicks in and they’re told to put these childish displays of emotion away. That’s also the point where boys start having a harder time making new friends and maintaining friendships, and their time socializing with other guys is spent doing, rather than just being.

This is where vulnerability comes into play. The saw about male friendships being side-by-side and female friendships being face-to-face is about vulnerability. Female friendships often involve spending time together and talking about their lives, what they’ve been doing and so on. Male friendships are side-by-side – that is, about doing things together – because we’re socialized that just “sitting around and talking about our feelings” is girly and gay, and that asking each other about what’s going on or what’s happening in their lives is seen as intrusive or stressful. .

The problem is, though, that teaching boys to never be vulnerable and making emotional intimacy something that’s equated to and a precursor of sexual intimacy doesn’t eliminate the need for it, any more than telling boys not to touch other boys eliminates the need for physical contact. We still want that connection, but we have no instruction on how to make it and very few opportunities to practice it. So on the occasions we do try to open up… it goes badly.

This is why a lot of guys swear that women don’t “mean” it when they say they want men to be vulnerable. It’s not that they’re lying, it’s that when a lot of men make the attempt, it’s often the first time they’ve done so. In many cases, the result is less “opening up” and more akin to a dam bursting. It’s a lifetime of pent-up feelings that have finally been given an outlet, like puncturing a pressurized can, spraying those emotions all over the room. That is often far more than what women expected or wanted, and often leaves them in the position of feeling as though they have to play mother or unlicensed therapist.

So, it’s not exactly a surprise that women pull back after a display like this. If every time you suggested you were hungry, somebody launched a series of footlong subs at your face from a t-shirt cannon, you’d probably stop inviting them out to lunch.

The problem, in other words, isn’t vulnerability, it’s the intensity and appropriateness of the action. It’s about wanting a level of emotional intelligence and not feeling like they’re going to have to be your Sherpa, guiding you to the top of Mount Feelings.

If we look at the example you shared, this was the first time you’ve ever lowered your guard and clearly it was emotionally intense for you. So much so that you started crying and Sasha comforted you through it. While that was sweet of her to do so, I’m not entirely surprised that she pulled back. After having been through rocky relationships prior to meeting you, I can understand why she told you she wasn’t “ready for a relationship with you”. What she was saying was that she could see that this would be another relationship that would be demanding a lot from her. You have no close friends, no other emotional outlet and you have a difficult time with expressing your feelings or being vulnerable. All of that tells her that she is going to be the sole focus of pretty much all your attention and energy and that’s going to be a hell of a thing for her. After multiple, years-long bad relationships, it’s not really a surprise that she isn’t looking forward to getting into another that already promises to be intense and demanding a lot of her.

And if I’m being honest, I also suspect that there was a subtext of “…and I don’t think you are ready for a relationship” in there as well. And I can’t say that she was wrong about this.

Again, I know I sound like I’m dunking on you or being mean, but this is coming from a place of genuine concern and empathy. The problem here is that I’m not sure you’re in a good place to date. The reason why you feel like everyone complimenting you or telling you that you’re a great catch or “all the ladies must love you” is a curse is because you’ve spent a lot of time putting up a façade. And it is a façade, because it’s all surface, covering up a lot of emotional neglect.

You’ve made huge strides in making surface connections and creating surface impressions, but you need substance behind it to actually make friends. Part of that is learning how to let down your walls gradually, rather than going full-tilt boogey. Being vulnerable isn’t about suddenly projectile-vomiting all your feelings, it’s about being authentic and not putting up a false front. You can be vulnerable without revealing your deepest and darkest secrets or your greatest emotional trauma. A lot of times, vulnerability is simply about not hiding “undesirable” emotions – being willing to say “I’m having a bad week” when a friend asks how you’re doing.

In fact, you actually give a great example of how to do this in your letter. Starting off with saying “I’m feeling hurt right now,” and asking for advice and a little reassurance is exactly how you can let your guard down and be vulnerable to a degree that’s appropriate for the situation. You are capable of it, you just need more practice.

This is why I think what you need to do is focus a little less on dating and more about making friends. And not just acquaintances or people-you-know-to-nod-at, but actual friends. And while you’re at it, I think you need to work on getting comfortable with vulnerability and how to do so in ways that aren’t just a binary of “100% closed off” and “drink from the firehose”.

That’s going to take time, and I suspect that’s going to require talking to a counselor – not just so you can practice in an appropriate and emotionally safe space, but also because you’ve kinda hinted at some shit lurking in the background. But the effort will be worth it, simply because you’ll be bringing your outward and inward self into alignment. It’ll mean that you’ll have actual friends and community, a greater degree of emotional intelligence and social experience. You’ll stop feeling like a fraud or like compliments are a curse because for the first time, the person other people see and who you are on the inside will be the same person.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

—

This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.