Does any intimate relationship look as good or work as well as the one I’ve been describing over these past Saturdays? Aren’t human beings just a little too flawed, selfish, inflexible, opinionated, unaware, moody and grumpy to rise to this major occasion? Isn’t this “subversive unit” idea just a pipedream?
The perfected example of it may be a pipedream. But decent approximations are possible. Kirists hold this vision of the high-bar goal of approximations of excellence not as wishful thinking but as their work, as their self-obligation, and as a possibility.
A high-bar goal for kirists is the creation by two ever-changing, completely human people of a bastion of safety and sanity in a dangerous world. It is the creation of nothing less than a tight-knit unit where each protects, supports, and respects the other.
It is good to have this picture of excellent relating. Kirism is an aspirational philosophy that invites each of us to do the next right thing, as difficult as that is, to retain our individuality, as difficult as that is, and to relate beautifully, as difficult as that is.
Picture that fine relating. Each day you consider what your partner needs. Maybe it’s the freedom to create. Maybe it’s a bit of truth-telling. Maybe it’s dinner out. Maybe it’s you being there calmly and quietly as he goes through a hard time.
In turn, you tell him what you need, secure in the knowledge that he will listen. You know that he won’t interrupt. You know that he won’t roll his eyes. You know that he won’t snicker. You know that the concern registering on his face is genuine.
You work to minimize your own unwanted qualities—your addiction, your unhealthy narcissism, your critical nature, your histrionics, your timidity, your lack of self-confidence, your arrogance, whatever it might be. This supports the alliance.
You make love. You laugh. You sit quietly. You watch a movie. You make plans. You remember the past. You handle a sudden challenge. You give each other time and space. When he or she drops your favorite coffee mug and breaks it, you offer a hug.
This picture of fine relating provides a blueprint and an ideal. And if you don’t have this sort of relationship and suspect that you can’t have it? Then, because this ideal is alive in your mind and circulates in your blood, you may miss it a lot.
You may even have to mourn for it and grieve over it. Kirism respects the truth that life comes with sorrow. We do not say that life is sorrow or that life is a cheat but we do acknowledge that life comes with sorrows and that we can feel badly cheated.
If this grand relationship isn’t in your cards, then you will have to coax meaning into existence in other ways. If it’s currently eluding you, then you live your life purposes anyway, since even the absence of love doesn’t absolve you of your self-obligations.
And, of course, you might still have it one day. Life isn’t over. Maybe you don’t want to search for it anymore. Maybe you’re tired of the whole thing. Maybe it’s too sore a subject.
But who knows what tomorrow or two years from now will bring? Who knows! An excellent intimate relationship may still be in the cards for you, if you hold to the idea that it is something of real value.
Eric Maisel is the author of 50+ books. You can learn more about him at www.ericmaisel.com, subscribe to all of his blog posts at https://authory.com/ericmaisel, learn more about kirism here, and write him at [email protected]
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