Alone Together
In this four part series, Good Men Project columnist, Taylor García explores the male loneliness epidemic, and how we might make better connections with ourselves, and others
Super Bowl Sunday, well before the game started, I decided to take a walk. I laced up my shoes, left the house, and started down our sidewalk, then made a spontaneous right into the canyon that connects to the north end of our community. I turned my Spotify to a comedian and I kept walking, and walking, and walking, until I was so deep into the canyon, I’d need at least another 45 minutes to return.
And then the text messages came:
Where are you?
The kids are worried.
I held back my true responses, which would have sounded something like this:
Are you worried?
Do you care where I am?
Instead, I said (still passive aggressive AF):
Everyone seemed preoccupied with their devices, so I just went for a walk. I’m in the canyon.
Followed by:
Can you pick me up at the top of the canyon?
This was followed by:
No, the kids don’t want to go.
Typical, I thought. And so I kept walking, and eventually made it home with plenty of time to make the afternoon Frito Pies for the Super Bowl.
It was true, I had just slipped out of the house. I should have been more considerate to at least tell them where I was going, but they were all glued to a device. My presence, I felt, wasn’t needed.
This is one man’s reaction to not feeling wanted. To feeling lonely within his own home. Instead of asking for some attention, or guiding the family away from the technology, I simply left. It was an old school, Mad Men, kind-of-thing to do. Just leave your wife and kids at the family restaurant and never come back. It’s an artifact from a generation gone, where lonely men simply made themselves lonelier in order to feel better.
That day, I didn’t feel better, nor vindicated. If anything, I felt smug. It was when I was deep in my passive-aggressive patterns. I still fall into those, but I know it can be just as damaging if I make a fuss.
The loneliness within the family, however, is still a problem. There are days, weeks, when I can be in the same room with my wife and two kids and feel entirely removed from them. Plus, it’s amazing how easy it is to avoid someone within three feet of you. You simply stay inside your lane and don’t look up.
These are all unhealthy ways of dealing with loneliness, and men are champs of it. I thrive on alone time, but I’ve learned that it only works to a certain extent, and that is when, of course, the human need for connection, appears. We need people. It’s just a simple fact. We need people to look at us, pay attention to us, validate us, love us. When we don’t have it, we go on walks. Some of us never return.
So what’s the fix? Face the wave. Dive in. Know that loneliness can really suck, especially when it’s in your own home. So ask for companionship. If they say no, which is sometimes the case, then it’s your move. Phone a friend. Find a place where someone knows your name. Go there. When those people you love are unresponsive, it’s probably a sign that you have some work to do, and that’s not a bad thing.
“Working in” is often harder than working out. We have to dig deep inside to understand why we feel lonely. More often than not, it’s a symptom of a much greater problem: uncertainty in ourselves and our relationships.
So how do we dig ourselves out of loneliness when we’re digging in to do some inner work? Be vulnerable. Be raw. Share. Let it out. Take that walk, but next time, invite someone.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
