Alone for the Holidays

I could feel it coming.

The months before the holidays were filled with so many wonderful moments together, over night trips together, delicious food and drinks at new and old restaurants, walks along the lake and exploring downtown cities, and endless hours of making love and laying in each other’s arms.

Then, as the holidays approached, I could feel it coming.

The dread.

The uneasy feeling deep in the pit of my stomach grew. I feared these times together would soon come to a halt. As much as I loved this time together, I knew it was coming to an end, as it always does. Right on time, in a predictable pattern.

Holidays are for family.

His wife, kids, and extended family, that is. Not me. They all spend lots of time together. He can’t get away during those weeks for more than a few moments at a time without the wife wondering where he has disappeared. So, that means no time for us.

This year, my own kids would be with my ex-husband for Christmas. I was going to be alone.

So, he surprised me and stopped by for 5 minutes on Christmas day with a few gifts, a hug, and a kiss. Then, he hurried out the door back to his wife and family.

For the next few days, whenever I walked by those gifts under the tree, I could feel my blood pressure boil. Face flushed, my heart would quicken, the room would be spinning, and I would find it hard to catch my breath.

We hadn’t discussed exchanging gifts this year, although what he had given me were thoughtful and appropriate. Some years, we had made a big deal out of gifts. Other years, it was sparse. It was usually determined by how things between us were feeling.

This year, I was feeling so low about my place in his life that the gifts surprised me. Why was I so angry? Wasn’t it thoughtful of him to stop by and bring gifts to me?

The reality is gifts are a small consolation when you wake up and go to bed alone, without your love, on Christmas.
Gifts can’t bring you comfort when you are laying in a giant bed with nothing but blankets, pillows, and space next to you, wishing you could awaken next to your love.

He doesn’t know what this feels like. He’s never spent a holiday alone.

I know I shouldn’t allow such thoughts, but when you’re alone on the holiday and your lover chooses to spend it with someone else, it’s really hard to think of anything but the pain in your own heart.

The past few years have been difficult during the holidays. We usually fight or disagree on the injustice and stop talking to one another until the New Year arrives. Maybe we choose avoidance over resolution.

Really mature, I know. Maybe it’s easier than dealing with the obvious issue which never resolves.

When you’re trying to survive a 9 year affair and fighting over the inequity in the relationship every time a real life circumstance arises, what else is there to do? I do wonder why I am seeking peace and understanding from the person who chooses this relationship dynamic.

Of course, I can not blame him entirely. Though he chooses to lie about my existence in his life, I am still here as well.

After nine years, you would think I could walk away and stay gone by now.

Merry Fucking Christmas, indeed.

I didn’t want gifts. I wanted his presence.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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