Am I Living Someone Else’s Dream?

The calm has finally settled in. I do not know when exactly it set in, but it did. I feel more peaceful and at ease than any drug has ever provided. My body is connected and still. Everything from a swaying branch to witnessing the occasional temper tantrum is serene. Occasionally, I feel pangs of guilt. Why do I get to feel this way when I see and read about people who feel miserable?

But, I can’t help but treasure the light breeze on my face. I eagerly await my morning coffee with a dash of cinnamon and cardamom. With so many opportunities literally at my fingertips, I am excited to see what I’ll embark on today. I mean, not always — it all depends on if the reality show in my head is on today.

I am truly grateful for finally getting the hang of meditation after years of trying. It allowed me to cherish witnessing the sun peeking out behind the clouds and shining onto the plants. I can’t help but put down my book and just sit by the window. Everything just felt right.

And don’t get me wrong — I’m recently unemployed and my mom still reminds me this isn’t why we came to the US. According to her, if I wanted to fool around instead of getting my MBA, we should’ve just stayed in India. But those are only a few ways the outside world is trying to pull me away from the beauty that exists all around me. The beauty that is. It just is. It doesn’t have to try. It exists purely in that form. Once I turn off the thoughts of this external pressure, that expectation and Bethany’s recent acceptance to Yale Law, everything is calm and crystal clear. It’s the way we’re supposed to be. The joy of sitting by the window and smelling the earthy scent fresh after rainfall is honestly no better than lying on Cabo’s beaches. I’m sure there are people who would disagree and to those folks — I still love you (or at least I’ll try my hardest — I’m still a work in progress).

I refuse to wait for the joy. I refuse to wait for the calm because it’s already here. It’s in the small things we do and see. Now that the inner dialogue and unnecessary drama is starting to fade, I can finally see the bits of joys sprinkled around me.

Every morning for the past two weeks, I’ve been sitting on a bench in the small patch of grass behind my building. Every day of the first week, I thought this is not why I came here. And, this is fucking best it’s going to get? When I slowly minimized and finally turned off the reality shows, What Are All The Worse Case Scenarios That Have & Will Happen To You! or my favorite yet, Let’s Replay Every Conversation You’ve Ever Had With A Romantic Partner & See How It All Went Wrong!, I realized oh wait, this is actually pretty fucking beautiful. And every subsequent day, I saw something more amazing sitting on that bench — from the cobwebs sewn across the grass to the vibrant colors of the leaves. My overflowing thoughts had dulled my senses and kept me from fully enjoying the life around me.

I didn’t do anything to deserve this. And that hit me when I was watching a documentary last week (because what else do you do in quarantine). It featured a young Indian woman who dreamed of becoming a police officer and gaining independence. She was inspired by another woman from her village who became an officer. And now, the villagers knew her father’s name because of her, not the other way around. The young woman said, “Can you even believe that?” She was astonished that a woman from her village could ever gain such recognition and freedom.

I didn’t do anything to deserve and live the life that I do. I didn’t have to try too hard to feel independent and free. I don’t have to worry about family pressure to get married (although my mom already has a venue picked for the wedding — just casually — no pressure). I don’t have to wait until the middle of the night to go to the bathroom to avoid being harassed on the road. I don’t have to regularly worry about safety and survival. With good fate, I was born with the freedom to choose, and I’m not going to let it the meaningless thoughts distract me.

Today I wrote down the list of things I wanted to do within the year — including visit Greece, go scuba-diving, etc. The young woman could not even imagine doing those things in her lifetime, and I have the privilege of doing that possibly by next year. Often I think, “I must have done some spectacular stuff in my past life to deserve all of this.” Because how is it possible to have so many opportunities at my fingertips?

Making such plans and having the freedom of choice are privileges that I can’t take for granted. I am and will continue to live fully and joyfully. That fulfilling and lasting joy doesn’t come from Greece, the perfect job or partner, but from patches of grass and windowsills. Life is too beautiful to be drowned out by the unfulfilling reality show in our heads. Life is to be lived, enjoyed, and loved.

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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.

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