It’s Sunday afternoon. Your young toddler is almost done napping.
You’re tired because you didn’t sleep enough last night. You’re drained because his nap time was consumed by chores—cleaning up from pre-nap activities, changing laundry loads, and clearing dishes from breakfast. You’re stressed because you’re supposed to meet your child’s grandparent for lunch, but you can’t give him a time because you’re not sure when your child will wake up.
Eventually, he does (early). After a diaper change and some snuggles, you offer a pre-lunch snack of apple sauce. Your child grudgingly eats a few spoonfuls before he quickly starts to unravel. Then, with impressive speed, he swats his little bowl off the table. Apple sauce explodes on the floor and splatters across the wall.
Much hinges on your response.
When we’re stressed, it’s harder to cope. When we’re already on edge, it can feel like we have no control over what we say. If anger bursts out—if you yell or shame your child—he may become more upset. Later, you may regret this lapse, wishing you could handle these moments differently.
A healthier version of this sequence is possible. It is possible to feel a rush of anger and the powerful urge to lash out, but not.
You take a breath. You calmly say, “Since you hit your apple sauce onto the floor, it looks like you’re done with snack. I need to clean that up, and then I’ll get you out of your high chair.”
That choice matters.
Why this is so hard
Much of our reactive behavior comes down to the conditions around it: we’re hungry, lonely, tired, or already frustrated. Maybe we’ve just faced the same situation twice in recent days. The more these layers stack up, the more likely it is we’ll snap. Recognizing these factors doesn’t excuse our reaction, but it helps explain why our fuse is sometimes so short.
Here are three ways to start learning to act calmly while you feel angry.
Decide how you want to respond
Picture yourself in the middle of a meltdown. Ask: Which version of me do I want my child to see?
- The dad who kept his footing, or the one who snapped?
- The dad who is loving while being in charge, or the one who becomes scary?
Visualizing your preferred behaviors ahead of time makes it easier to follow through in the moment.
Name your reason
Why does managing your temper matter? Maybe it’s about the safety your child feels with you. Maybe it’s about easing tension with your spouse. Maybe it’s about being a different kind of dad from the one you grew up with. Having that reason clear in your head gives you something to hold onto when the pressure spikes. It’s also a good motivator if you think this will be hard.
Catch yourself
The next time you feel the urge to raise your voice, pause. Take one slow breath in. Let it out even more slowly. Then:
- Call to mind your visualization.
- Slow your movements and lower your voice.
- Be firm if needed, but speak kindly.
By making these changes, you’re not denying your anger; you’re acknowledging that it’s there while deliberately choosing your next move.
If we want our children to learn how to handle life when they’re frustrated, then we need to show them how to do it. Don’t let your own apple sauce splatter across the floor.
You’ve got this.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
