Hitting your partner is a choice, but it’s not the only choice. Here are 5 other options.
Discussion of Domestic Violence, also known as Interpersonal Violence, has been front and center over the last few weeks, courtesy of NFL Players Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Jonathon Dwyer, and now District Court Judge Mark Fuller.
Some people have argued that Rice was justified in striking his partner because she may have spit on him and might have been approaching him to take a swing of her own. In other words, he was acting in self-defense. This line of argument omits any discussion of what else Rice could have done. So, for the record, here are some things you can do when you’re starting to get pissed off and want to take a swing at your loved one.
Domestic Violence Hotline workers won’t shame you for asking for help, won’t call you weak, and won’t tell you that you as a man need to put your partner in their place.
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For the record, I’m assuming that you have a reasonable level of self-control. Rice, Dwyer, and Fuller all do. They’d have never gotten as far as they did professionally if they couldn’t control their tempers the vast majority of the time. Their jobs require them to show a lot of self-control and that’s been true throughout all their years of training.
1. Walk away. In practice, it’s good to tell your partner you’re leaving the room or the house or whatever, why (“because I think I might hit you”), and how long you’ll be gone. (Note to Ray Rice: Press elevator buttons for nearby floors.)
2. Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a local crisis hotline or 911. Getting help is good and these are all people that can help you in the moment. Calling is about you reaching out to someone else for help. The people on the other end of the phone won’t shame you for asking for help, won’t call you weak, and won’t tell you that you as a man need to put your partner in their place. In fact, they’re very likely to praise you for asking for help. They know it’s a very difficult thing to do. Most hotlines are anonymous (real names not required) or confidential (real names so they can pull up your records if you call more than once).
3. Take a Time Out. Again, you’ll need to tell your partner you’re doing this and how long of a time out it is (see #1). By taking time to calm yourself down – and telling your partner that you’re trying to calm down – you’re also giving them time and space to calm down.
4. Call a friend. Most of us have cell phones and carry them with us. Call a friend, someone who is likely to be able to help you get to a calmer state. Have I mentioned telling your partner what you’re doing so they understand what’s going on?
5. Tell your partner that you’re on the verge of losing it and that you do NOT want to hit them. This may – or may not – stop them, but at least you’re doing something to let them know how you feel and to try to slow things down.
None of these suggestions are intended to make your life with your loved one better or somehow solve whatever it is you’re (always) arguing about. At some point, you need to figure out how to explain to yourself, and possibly to your partner, just what it is that makes you so angry that you could hit someone you love so much. (Seeing a therapist may be helpful.) If these kinds of angry events are happening with any regularity, or if you’re afraid that your partner might assault you, then you probably need to spend some time thinking about whether or not you should get out of this relationship.
Choosing even one of the actions on this list might prevent you from throwing a punch that you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
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The challenge here, and the goal, is to remember that you are in control of your own actions and that you have the ability to make good decisions. You’re certainly having emotional reactions to whatever is going on and you are entitled to your feelings. But no matter what is happening, you have to decide what you are going to do and you need to understand that you are responsible for your actions. Choosing even one of the actions on this list might prevent you from throwing a punch that you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
-image by Surlan Soosay/flickr used under Creative Commons 2.0 license.
Tell your spouse you are loosing it “this may or may not stop them” wait what…. stop them from what? Making you hit them? Who wrote that line?
Dial 911? So you can be beaten down and dragged off to jail? Really . Call them and ask to be locked away?
Andrew,I give you a firm hand shake and a hearty pat on the back for writing this article. You’ve managed to identify a problem without having men feel as though they’re no more then thugs. All that you suggested is sound advise where these tools can be used in many different situations.
I can only see #1 as consistently effective. And that’s if you leave the area not just the house. The other four have problems. Also if you feel like you want to hit the people you love you need professional help. Get it and get better. You’ll like your life a whole lot more.
Agreed all around PursuitAce. None of these are perfect; they are all about trying to get through the moment without hitting someone.
Can I ask where the GMP was when Kelly Brook admitted to punching TWO of her exes in the face, wrote about it in her new book, and then went on TV and had a good ol’ giggle about it with the host? Not one single article that I ever saw, yet exactly how many have been written about the ray Rice issue? (and How many more than really needed to be wrote, for that matter?) Where was the article questioning whether Brook deserved to keep HER job or not? Boko Haram kidnaps hundreds of girls- several articles on the… Read more »
She needs to be fired and to get help. Next question.
No shit.
So why wasn’t she? Why was her assault on two of her partners treated as a frigging joke? I know why, of course, my ACTUAL point was- why isn’t the GMP the one asking these questions and calling out this attitude? Why aren’t they writing several redundant articles about it? Why, to put it extremely bluntly, don’t they seem to give a flying fuck?
For the same reason male victims and problems receive little sympathy or recognition even in areas they outnumber female victims and problems (ex.: suicide, violence, homelessness, childhood ADHD, workplace deaths and injuries, college graduation rates, etc.): men have less biological value than women. This one simple reality can be used, perhaps more than any other, to explain simple social realities, like the phrase “women and children”, chivalry, or the natural male protective instinct (which it is now in vogue to label oppression by some of the more zealous feminists and their ilk), to more complex conundrums like the dating scene… Read more »
Very nicely written.
One word and it starts with a P, with a T H E in front of it.