Before I met my last partner, I was great at relationships. I knew the importance of vulnerability and honest, direct communication. I knew how to stay respectful during disagreements. I even knew how to navigate the ups and downs of a long-term relationship.
Theory vs Practice
Everything I knew about healthy relationships was purely theoretical. I had a history of navigating the rollercoaster of unhealthy and even abusive relationships. What I didn’t have the experience for was being in a healthy, safe, loving partnership. I didn’t realize just how wide a chasm existed between relationships in theory and relationships in practice.
Then, I met someone, and he was amazing. A partnership with him seemed even better than a life alone — something I wasn’t sure existed. He even had a regular therapist and a working knowledge of personal growth. I was so sure that putting all my theories into practice would be simple.
But that’s not how human beings work, is it? We can take the simplest concepts and find that they aren’t actually easy to execute. Everything I knew about healthy relationships from my own personal growth and from my career as a therapist became challenging to implement. I underestimated the strength of past triggers and overestimated my competence in relationships.
Spoiler alert: The relationship ended. Everything I knew and everything I worked hard to practice couldn’t make the relationship work. Because that’s not the point of learning these relational skills. It’s not to make sure that every relationship we have lasts forever. It’s to make every relationship as healthy as possible for however long it lasts.
What healthy relationship skills can’t do is change someone else or make them healthier. It won’t guarantee an outcome. It will simply help us set better boundaries and co-create healthier relationships with healthier partners.
If I could rewind, I would tell myself to enjoy the present moment. In the Netflix movie A Family Affair, this line stuck with me: The end is none of our business. As a person who has an anxious attachment style, I was always focused on the ending. I lived in so much fear, and I can look back and see the way that it blocked me from having a healthier relationship — with my then-partner and also with myself. That fear had me holding back more and more of myself in an attempt not to ever rock the boat. And every time I failed — in my perception or in his — I was that much more determined to do better and be better.
But “better” should have meant “authentic,” and it didn’t.
This is where theory and practice diverge. In theory, I knew that a healthy relationship required my vulnerability and authenticity. In practice, I was so afraid of losing him that I shoved vulnerability and authenticity into a corner and told them to be quiet. I dragged out all of my people-pleasing and generosity. I made every effort to be the kind of partner someone wanted to keep because my anxiety was at the wheel.
After it ended, I took myself to trauma therapy. I realized that I was never going to be good at applying healthy concepts to my relationships as long as my nervous system was totally and completely fucked. I could only ever be good in theory. If I wanted to get better, I would need to make sure that I healed from the things that were still tripping me up.
I did intensive trauma therapy for a long time. And I have to admit I’m still only good at relationships in theory. Why is that, you ask? Because I’m still single.
Being in a relationship would require me to sit down my fear and come to terms with my own vulnerability. While I’m open to a romantic partner, I have to admit that I haven’t been looking for one. I know that I have the relational skill set I need to develop and maintain a healthy partnership, but until I’m in one and practicing what I preach, it’s all just words and ideas.
But what I can say is this: I’m healthier in all my relationships. I communicate better with family and friends. I’m more open and vulnerable than I’ve been before. I’ve practiced asking for help and advocating for my needs. I’m still working on my relational skills because I know there’s always room for improvement.
Co-Creating Healthier Partnerships
In order to evolve from theory into practice, we have to choose partners who are willing to co-create healthy relationships with us. We can’t do it alone. We just can’t be the only healthy partner in the relationship. We need relationships with people who are willing to develop and practice communication skills, learn conflict resolution techniques, and even address attachment issues as they come up.
There are some essential qualifications. We need partners who are safe for us to be vulnerable around. We need to trust them to love us as the flawed, messy human beings we are. We need people who make room for our bad hair and bad moods and challenging days. What we don’t need is someone who wants us to strive for a perfection we’re not even capable of achieving.
We also need partners who are willing to communicate. It’s an aspect of vulnerability, but it’s also more than that. We need to be able to have imperfect conversations about how we’re thinking and feeling. We need to be able to advocate for our own needs while finding ways to meet the needs of our partners. We need people in our lives who don’t leave us wondering and are willing to reassure us of their affections when we’re caught up in anxiety. We need a level of honesty that includes kindness and respect.
But there’s also the issue of compatibility. No matter how well we practice relational skills, we can’t control whether someone else goes or stays. If we’re communicating with each other well, we’re talking about our goals for the future and acknowledging whether or not they align. We’re accepting what is, not what we wish it could be. We can co-create a healthy relationship with someone only to have them change their minds about what they want. It still matters.
Practicing Theory When Single
Even though I’m single, I have had a little practice with this skillset while dating. I’ve acknowledged red flags in potential partners and avoided those entanglements. I’ve learned what it is I want and need, and I’ve held to the standards I’ve set for myself. There were a couple of almost-relationships, and while old me would have rushed into updating the relationship status, this healthier version opted to stay the course. I’m not settling — even if the practice of a relationship would help me show off the shiny relational skills I’ve learned.
Until I’m in another relationship, I won’t know for sure if my theoretical ideas will work well in practice. I’m sure these simple concepts will still be challenging. I’ll have to deal with uncomfortable feelings, and I know I won’t always practice what I’ve learned perfectly. But I will try.
That’s really the key to co-creating any type of healthy relationship. We have to be willing to try. Even when it’s hard. Maybe especially when it’s hard. We have to keep showing up and be brave enough to be vulnerable with the people we care about. Every relationship won’t last, particularly the romantic ones, but I do believe that every relationship will be better for trying.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
