Getting divorced doesn’t mean you failed at marriage, it means you as a team failed at that marriage.
~ Simple Divorce (Facebook)
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“Til death do us part” sounds a pinch extreme to me. Though, if I’m completely honest with myself, I bought into that idea as my former husband and I exchanged vows. Back then (February 2008) I was ok with the traditional ceremonial promises.
Today, divorced and dating again, I’ve lately found myself re-visiting lessons from my unsuccessful marriage. I prefer this latter term because the word failed rings in my mind as if I’m solely responsible for the same.
Without getting into detailed statistics, an honest assessment of what happened in our past ended relationships allows insight for the next time around.
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The R-word Reigns
Respect in any relationship is key — it’s doubtful anyone would argue with that statement. Because without respect there cannot exist love.
But, when looking at that vastly important R-word it’s crucial to remind ourselves it also applies to oneself. If I don’t respect myself, how can I think I love myself? By viewing our romantic relationships (and any other type, for that matter) from the angle of self-love and self-respect, we find that “next time around” partnerships can truly last.
In her article published by The Gottman Institute, licensed therapist and social worker, Terry Gaspard offers several “powerful rules” for remarried couples:
Appreciation & Respect
By showing kindness and gratitude for even the simple things our partner does (e.g., taking the garbage out), we’re letting them know their acts are noticed. Another example could be if, during a disagreement, you make an effort to not raise your voice (out of respect for both yourself & your partner’s feelings).
Expectations & Misunderstandings
Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings, especially if it’s an important issue, rather than stonewalling and shutting down.
When we manage expectations (by discussing our needs and listening to our partner’s wishes), we reduce the possibility of misunderstandings and potential resentments.
Keep an open dialogue
Avoid throwing threats at your loved one. Rather than accusatory language, try a more compassionate approach. For example, instead of saying “you don’t care about me,” go for “I feel not valued when you say XYZ.”
Gaspard notes “Don’t issue ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later. Money is one of the most common things remarried couples argue about and full disclosure about finances is key to the success of the remarriage.”
Practice forgiveness
Accept that we all have flaws. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you, but it will allow you to move on and remember you are on the same team.
Time & Space
Setting aside quality time and creating a relaxed, calm atmosphere with your loved one can work magic. “Ask for what you need in an assertive, non-aggressive way and be willing to see each other’s side of the story.” Being in a safe space means you should both be comfortable sharing your thoughts.
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The Analysis
Divorced or not, when we take an honest assessment of what factors contributed to our not-so-successful romantic relationships, we’re in a better position to see different vantage points.
It’s easy to say “we split because they were a jerk.” While that may be the case, there was likely more at play in the relationship. Whether we admit it or not, both parties have a hand in the union — how we interact and communicate are things we both are a part of.
If during our evaluation we can look at all sides (ours, theirs, and an impartial third party’s), then we’re allowing ourselves to get out of the “they did this to me mindset.” And remember, there’s a positive side to the analysis. As writer Sy Ndes contributes in his Lifehack story, 7 Lessons I Have Learned From Divorced People, “Divorce is a traumatic experience for everyone involved; it tears families apart, adversely impacts the lives of children, harms people’s self-esteem, confidence, and finances and satisfies no one but the divorce lawyers.”
On lessons learned, Sy notes:
Everything can be a lesson, even when pain is the teacher. Whatever the reasons for the divorce, there are still valuable life lessons to be learned. It may not be what you wanted, but it’s what you have and that can be very liberating because you realize that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to and that’s OK. It’s OK if you don’t get the job you really wanted. It’s OK if you don’t get the promotion you expected. That is just part of Life. You don’t always get what you want, but you still — always — have to try and make the most of it, and that can be very freeing and empowering to learn.
Value the Present
In the article, Sy brings another valuable point to the table of consideration. It’s one many of us are familiar with — living in the present! No one can change the past, and none of us can predict the future. Being present means keeping that as the focus.
Divorce rips your world apart. It undermines your very being and robs you of a security that you hoped you would always have. But, of course, that security was an illusion. It never existed. You simply thought it did. Divorce teaches you to enjoy and value the present.
Divorce teaches you that you can spend your entire time thinking about the past, and what could have been, or what you or he/she could have or should have done differently, but ultimately you realize that those thoughts are worthless.You realize that as much as you may wish to change the past, you can’t, and that all you have is the present. So begin to try and enjoy that present.
You also learn that anger towards your ex, doesn’t harm your ex, it only harms you. Like Ghandi said, ‘anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to become ill.” Anger only harms you, so eventually, you must and will learn to manage your thoughts and live in the present in a way that you never did before the divorce.
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I don’t have the worldwide numbers fact sheet. Nor do I want to research the subject. For me, it’s sufficient to understand (a) my role in the demise of my marriage and (b) the hard lessons learned since then.
The magic recipe in romantic partnerships is that there is none. Insofar as the key ingredients go, I’m convinced that respect, honesty, and open communication are absolute necessities. The rest is a matter of personal preference.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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