Are Pinky Swears Sacred?

Sometimes kids (no matter their gender) have an adorable way of avoiding the truth. But even when they offer to pinky swear, there can be lingering doubts from adults.

Is it justified skepticism? Probably.

There are times when, as parents, we need to know what our kids truly think about a given topic — we need to make sure they’re headed in the right direction.

Especially when it comes to subjects that directly affect their future.

Here are six simple tips for finding out the truth.

1. Pick the Right Time

Timing really is everything. Trying to start a conversation when your child is playing a game, reading, or watching TV almost never works. They’ll probably find it intrusive before you even start talking. Plus you won’t have their full attention.

Instead, try to connect with them anywhere you can when they’re not pre-occupied. This could be in the car, at the store, or eating a meal together.

If it’s not the right time, wait.

2. Keep it Casual

Because kids tend to shy away from face-to-face, formal discussions, the best way to learn their opinion is to listen and learn sporadically. There’s no need for a one-time, sit-down, eye-to-eye conversation. Keep it simple and casual.

Try to initiate as many nonchalant conversations as you can — you know them best.

Pick a situation where you can avoid eye contact.

3. Say the Minimum

If you use short phrases that reassure and prompt, you’re more likely to get a response. The goal here is to convince your child that this is a casual conversation by using short phrases instead of long sentences.

Most parents know that if you go into a long drawn-out explanation, kids completely lose interest in the subject and move on to the next thing that grabs their attention.

Shorten your sentences.

4. Use Examples from Their World

This one probably has the most immediate effect.

Try to relate whatever it is you’re trying to learn their opinion about, to their everyday life.

For example, if you want to know their true opinion of LGBTQ equality, you could ask if there any activities or changes at their school that reflect the growing movement toward LGBTQ equality.

Are there any posters in their classroom that depict a famous LGBTQ person? Any new lesson plans? Teachers? Students? Playground rules? It could be as simple as a new seating assignment. Whatever gets them talking.

5. Listen Intentionally Once They Start Talking

Once your child starts talking, listen attentively and silently. The only words you need to utter, if any, are to let them know you’re eager to learn more.

Be ready to listen without judgement and never interrupt.

Even if what they’re saying is completely against everything you believe, try to remind yourself that this is their time to talk and your time to listen and learn.

Let your child sort through their feelings as they talk. While they’re talking, if you feel like you’re going to burst if you don’t say something, feel free to nod your head and say “hmmm.”

Otherwise, here are some phrases you could use to let them know you’re interested in what they’re saying and you want to learn more:

• “Tell me more. “
• “Wow, you have quite a story to share. “
• “Please keep talking. I’m really interested.“
• “It sounds like you have a lot on your mind, so I’m glad you’re talking.“
• “I love that you’re so open and honest with your feelings.“
• “It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable talking to me.“
• “You’re doing a great job of describing what happened.“
• “Could you repeat that? I want to be sure I understand what you’re going through.“

Listen to what your child tells you or doesn’t tell you. Look for messages even in silence or outbursts. Listen carefully―not just to the words, but to the feelings (and body language) behind them.

Silence makes most of us uncomfortable. But if you can stay quiet during moments of silence while they’re gathering their thoughts, you might be surprised by what s/he says next and what you learn.

6. Read between the lines

Regardless of the subject of your casual conversation, it’s possible to read between the lines of what they’re telling you or asking you.

For example, suppose your child tells you that one of their classmates, Jonah, gets to take the day off from school because it’s a Jewish holiday.

Ask how it makes them feel. Are they resentful? Jealous? Do they think it’s unfair?

Your child’s comment about Jonah’s day off might be just a kid’s reaction to a school holiday they don’t get to enjoy. Regardless, this might be a perfect unexpected teaching moment for talking about how everyone, no exceptions, should be allowed to celebrate their religion however they want.

Dig deeper.

…

This article was written by DEI for Parents

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

Does dating ever feel challenging, awkward or frustrating?

Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching.

Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!

***

—–

Photo credit: Seif Eddin Khayat on Unsplash