Are They About to Cheat? Or Already Cheating?

You should know that infidelity rarely begins with plain, old sex. It usually begins on an emotional level. Specifically at that point when that emotional estrangement happens and couples begin to pull away. Many times, it is also a gradual process that includes breakdowns in communication and small transgressions here and there, all on the way to reestablishing a connection elsewhere.

The road to infidelity is also not a predictable path. For some, it may start with the crossing of a few “harmless” boundaries (what people tend to refer to as micro-cheating) before sliding into deep emotional territory and turning physical. For others, yet again, it can begin online before spilling into real life.

However it starts, there is always some unresolved issue with the partners themselves or within their relationship that lights the match.

“People who truly are initially just friends or just friendly colleagues slowly move onto the slippery slope of infidelity. In the “new infidelity”, secret emotional intimacy is the first warning sign of impending betrayal. Yet most people don’t recognize it as such until they’ve become physically intimate.” —Dr. Shirley P. Glass

Here is how to tell if your partner is slipping away or already gone

Now, no one sign listed here is intended to be definitive proof of infidelity, but when you have several signs stacked together? That is a pattern worth paying attention to.

With that in mind, here is a breakdown of the common signs divided into two categories: signs someone could be drifting toward cheating and signs they are probably already there. The first indicates increased an vulnerability to infidelity, while the second consists of behaviors most often linked to ongoing infidelity.

PART 1: Signs they are drifting toward cheating

1. Emotional disconnection: They have stopped asking how your day went and actually tuning in when you answer. So, should you mention an achievement at work, they simply reply with some vocalizations without looking up from their phone.

2. Lack of communication (aka the first silent alarm): This is when a partner stops engaging in real conversations, and conversations begin to feel like a checklist: errands, dinner, bills, etc. No longer about dreams (where you would like to travel), no more sharing jokes or random thoughts. This usually means emotional intimacy is dying.

3. Picking fights: A person considering cheating (or actually cheating) tries to put as much emotional distance between them and their other as possible to justify their actions. So they start nitpicking everything: your tone, your choices, perhaps even how you breathe!

4. Sudden focus on appearance: If they suddenly start dressing better or obsessing over their looks, especially when they were not previously focused on this before, they might be trying to impress someone new.

5. Spending less time with you: This is usually a sign of “emotional reallocation.” Hence, they stop making time for you: quality time disappears, and even when you are the one always initiating plans, they always have an excuse.

6. No longer saying “I Love You”: Not just the words but the absence of touch, compliments, or eye contact. When the words stop flowing, it usually means the connection is fading or beginning to be redirected elsewhere.

“He stopped saying ‘I love you.’ Then, he changed his phone password. I didn’t need proof. I felt it in my bones that something was breaking.”

7. Defensiveness: When simple (innocent) questions provoke extreme reactions, they are hiding something, and their main goal is to intimidate you out of asking again. You know this when a simple question about what took them so long at the store provokes protests about being interrogated.

8. Gut feeling: You just know something is off. Your intuition tends to pick up on things your brain hasn’t fully processed, so don’t ignore your inner voice. Even if, technically, they haven’t done anything “wrong,” but your “Spidey sense” keeps tingling every time they leave the room, pay closer attention.

“They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they are not.” – Charles J. Orlando

PART 2: Signs they are probably already cheating

9. Secretiveness: They become vague about their whereabouts or who they are talking to. So they are constantly guarding their phone, changing passwords, you walk by and they instantly minimize a screen, etc. Remember, infidelity thrives in secrecy.

10. Changes in routine: These can be anything from frequent late nights to new late meetings or random hobbies that conveniently exclude you. This is because cheating requires time and space, and so a cheating partner needs to carve out chunks and chunks of time to sustain an affair.

11. Unexplained absences: They’re often unreachable and offer vague stories. Regular disappearance without clear explanations is classic cheating behavior. They need that unaccountability to be able to act without confrontation.

“You’re lying next to them, and it still feels like you’re sleeping alone”

12. Financial discrepancies: As infidelity usually leaves a paper trail, you start to notice strange expenses and new secrecy around money that more often than not point to spending on someone else. When someone is being deceptive on this front, their financial behavior will change to match.

13. Sudden overcompensation: They become overly affectionate, and it feels out of character. In this case, guilt shows up as unexpected affection as a cover-up for a betrayal. Guilt just has a way of coming to the surface even in people who think they are masking it very well, and such gestures out of nowhere are one of such ways.

14. Accusing you of cheating: To deflect suspicion, they project their behavior onto you. In their mind, if they put you on trial, you will be too busy defending yourself to notice what they are doing. It is manipulative, for sure, but it is a very effective strategy.

“This is because cheating requires time and space, and so a cheating partner needs to carve out chunks and chunks of time to sustain an affair.”

15. Changes in sexual intimacy: This one swings both ways — less intimacy signaling withdrawal, while more signaling guilt-driven overcompensation. For instance, if they used to initiate once a week and now it is suddenly three times in a row right after an unexplained trip, it could be a cover-up.

16. They are simply no longer available: They have checked out physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. If you find they are consistently too busy (or too distracted) for you but suddenly super energized elsewhere, it is a sign that they have shifted their investment.

“It is manipulative, for sure, but it is a very effective strategy.”

So, what now?

Well, for one thing, the goal here is definitely not to empower you to start hurling accusations. My advice, therefore, is if you recognize these signs, before you confront your partner, first pause and assess with clear eyes:

• The signs: Are the signs isolated, or is there a pattern?
• Your feelings: Are you feeling more anxious, more confused, and more alone than you have ever been in the relationship?
• Their reactions: Are they showing a willingness to communicate, or do they shut you down whenever you try to really connect?

If you have answered yes to the above, then first of all, don’t gaslight yourself, and don’t ignore your gut feeling just to keep the peace because it is time to have an honest conversation about what is going on so you can make a decision. You may also want to consider couples counseling or individual therapy. A professional can help untangle all your feelings so you can decide on your next move.

Finally, if the situation calls for it, quietly gather facts before taking action. This is especially true if the deception is deliberate and ongoing. Remember, you are not crazy, it is the cheaters that usually try to make you feel that way.

“There is always a lesson of a lifetime to learn in every betrayal.” – Edmond Mbiaka

…And yes, I hear you

Not everyone who becomes distant is cheating. Sometimes people pull away when they are struggling. However, despite pulling away, such a partner can still be committed and still show up in some way. In cases like these, it is not just what a partner is doing but whether they are willing to talk about it and work through it as a couple. This is a really important point to note.

However, if they are shutting their partner out while, at the same time, checking all the boxes on this list, then a significant other is not being paranoid, they are being rightfully observant, and they deserve to get to the truth.

⚠️ Do you want to know how to confront someone when you suspect they have cheated? Read “First Difficult Conversation After Cheating.”