Are They Actually Polyamorous?

Misappropriation of the polyamory label has gone international.

I thought this was just an issue in my local area, but I’m starting to hear the same thing all around the world these days: cheaters are calling themselves “polyamorous” in their dating profiles to make it sound like they’re not cheating.

For the uninitiated, polyamory is the capacity to have multiple loving relationships with every party’s full knowledge and consent. It can be seen as a relationship orientation, but I call it a practice or lifestyle because it requires the conscious act of honest communication and disclosure for it to count as polyamory.

If you’re partaking in any sort of romantic or sexual intimacy on the side without your partner(s) knowing anything, that’s just cheating.

Sometimes, someone who isn’t practicing the full ethics of polyamory or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) will call themselves polyamorous because they’re just misinformed. Maybe they read just a few sentences about it without thinking about discussing it with their partner, and decided that it just sounds right to them.

At other times, they’re trying to justify their unethical behavior with an ethical label. It’s like how the most tyrannical nations in the world put the word “Democratic” in the official name of their country.

If you’re a real ENM practitioner who has done the work of asking yourself and your partner(s) the tough questions, it can be incredibly frustrating to go on a date with someone who says they’re poly/ENM, but it turns out their partner is in the dark about it.

How do we sniff out these wolves in sheep’s clothing?

Someone in my local polyamory community brought up this question just the other day in our group chat, and other members were quick to share their ideas:

My instinct would be to ask directly about someone’s current relationship situation if it doesn’t come up naturally — and consider it a yellow or red flag if they avoid the question. If someone’s into parallel poly they should be able to communicate that from the outset.

For context, parallel polyamory is when you and your partner(s) date separately with little-to-no interaction between metamours (partner’s partners). This is the opposite of kitchen table polyamory, where everyone involved has regular contact (and, ideally, at least have a friendship) with each other.

It’s always difficult to gauge, so for me a red flag is when someone avoids the conversations about it/polyamory.

Sure you can be parallel and not wanna share things with your partners etc cool, but usually the people who are using that label to cheat tend to want to avoid the conversation altogether. If they are still open to talk about it then I usually trust people if they give no reason to suggest otherwise

It can definitely be difficult to gauge sometimes, but an openness to talk about their specific arrangements is certainly an important green flag to look out for.

If someone has partners and doesn’t want to talk about them with me at length it’s a bit of a red flag for me.

I quite deliberately bring up my partners early and often in conversation, clearly signposting for others that I very much love my humans, and that they are an important part of my life. I need that to be normal or we aren’t going to have much fun in conversation.

This is plenty off-putting for many folks I’m sure, but I consider it an important part of everyone being able to give informed consent. It also helps weed out people that were genuinely alright with *cheating* with me but couldn’t handle sharing, which is more my value set.

If someone isn’t willing to talk about their partner(s) at all, I’d definitely be concerned, too.

Getting them to talk about their experience in any way is the best strategy I’ve ever heard of. But you can bring up any kind of question, like what’s your favorite ENM creator, podcast, book? What got you interested in CNM the first time? What’s your stance on the ENM v CNM debate? Make it fun and unobtrusive and you’ll still get a sense of whether they avoid the topic or not, I think.

This is a great suggestion because the people who are most serious about adhering to the ethics of polyamory and ENM are ones who have exposed themselves to books and other media about it.

One suggestion that I offered actually involved a piece of polyamory-related media I saw on Instagram. You can ask someone if they have ever had the following conversations before:

In case you cannot read the text in the image above for whatever reason:

10 Hard Conversations Polyamorous People Have
And yes — the How to Have Difficult Conversations course (starting May 4th) can help with all of them.

1. “I’m feeling jealous, and I don’t know what I need yet.”
2. “I want to open our relationship and I’m scared you’ll feel rejected.”
3. “I know you technically didn’t break any agreements, but I still feel hurt.”
4. “I need to change a boundary I thought I was OK with.”
5. “I don’t feel considered in your dynamic with your other partner.”
6. “I want to know more about your other relationships but I’m scared of what I’ll feel.”
7. “I’m not OK with this pace — I feel left behind.”
8. “I want to be honest about a crush I have but I’m scared of how you’ll react.”
9. “I’m realising I want more clarity about what this relationship is becoming.”
10. “This dynamic isn’t working for me anymore; I think we need to transition to something else or end it.”

It would be a huge green flag if they had any of those kinds of conversations before, and it could be a red flag if they hadn’t. I’d also say it’s a green flag if they were excited about having such conversations if they never had the chance to do so before.

Some other members shared horror stories where their date pretty much just outed themselves as cheaters, or as having other problematic arrangements. Sometimes, defending yourself from these kinds of situations is simply a matter of making sure you’re informed about polyamorous/ENM philosophy and best practices.

Want to become more informed?

In terms of books, there are classic recommendations such as The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. That book is pretty much our bible. The best book I’ve ever read on the subject, though, is Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Dr. Martha Kauppi. Even if you’re not a therapist yourself, I highly recommend it.

Oh, and if you’re a man who likes women but you’re not totally confident on how to do this whole dating thing both ethically and effectively in the first place, I recommend starting here.