Are They Introverted or Just Controlling?

As a culture we warn each other in movies and music about common romantic traps. Like Jenny in the movie, Forest Gump. A complex, sexy woman with volatile emotions. She pulls men in and pushes them away over decades of confusion. She destroys their self esteem and pillages their resources. She often successfully keeps her exes from ever re-partnering.

Or the man who never grows up and says “he isn’t ready now” (on anything in a relationship timeline he doesn’t want to do) but floats “one day he will be” to women well past mid-life. Destroying their emotions and collecting years of their life on repeat. Often blaming them in the end for “rushing him.” He is 55 years old on the Internet telling women that “he isn’t sure what he wants in a partner, he wants to take things slow.”

We are familiar with these characters. We roll our eyes at the friend who dates them. But in coaching I have often found my clients have trouble with other types of deceit. Characters that aren’t as widely discussed seem to show up more frequently.

An archetype I have often encountered is the man that uses the term ‘introverted’ to control every detail of his interactions with other people.

If a social situation, work request or a need of his family doesn’t fit his mood then he opts out or does it but feels resentful. He then leverages large amounts of time to himself so he can “recover” from being “forced” into a situation that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to be doing.

This person is hard to spot. First, because introversion is a real scale and some people do best choosing careers and lifestyles where they can spend a lot of time a lone. I fit that mold. I have a few very close friends and work from home. I can float around as party host but I definitely need to re-charge after. I can go on a walk or read a book in my room for a bit. I can recharge with my family and closest friends too. I have carefully curated connections. I also have embodiment mediations and noise canceling headphones!

Some people though weaponize the term introverted to create a construct through which they can control what they offer to other people.

They describe their exes, their bosses and their children as “extremely demanding or needy.” Normal, adult life is characterized as so hard. Everyone is rushing them. You might often hear this person claim they are “setting boundaries” when in reality they are putting in 10% of the effort that is expected. When you are self-centered only your emotions matter.

If you have ever had to work on a team with a person like this you might notice that they are often the only employee that feels the work load is unbearable. They are grumpy, difficult and resistant to projects they don’t feel like doing. They dislike and judge everyone but feel victimized by the fact that no one at work likes them. They don’t get promoted, even when they are good at their job, because they just suck to work with.

Running errands, traffic, sitting next to a loud person in a restaurant or having anyone suggest a change in plans is described as oppressive.

But, this isn’t introversion (or anxiety, or depression, or burnout)… it’s selfishness. It is a power grab.

I know that this character can be a woman too. I have worked with her many times. But I am a somatic relationship coach, and in romance this game more often shows up with men. Many times I have had a client explain to me that her male partner controls family activities, dates and how he will help in the home by using this powerful trump card.

Introversion, in this context, is used to justify spending many hours in front of screens alone. It’s used as a way to give much less than others do in relationships.

Mental health conditions and personality traits are not weapons to offer less than what is required of you by your children, co-workers and partners. I can be sensitive, introverted and still show up in my own creative ways for my inner circle. Therapy terms are intended for self-actualization and to create more connection, not less.

The worst part of the Introvert Villain…

They usually attract incredible people into their lives. Women who are really hard working and empathetic often are willing to make concessions for men who play therapy words against them. Because a good person would want to give her partner what he needs.

It takes a lot of time, for someone that doesn’t do the work I do, to see this man for what he is. Often, women have become super attached or given a year of their lives to this guy once they realize what is happening to them. So they try to make it work. Sadly, that attachment is often played against them as well.

This guy will tell women he is fighting his past and his inner trauma. He is working as hard as he can. He will often even offer to leave the relationship, which only scares women into begging him back. They become even more careful not to stress him out by asking him for things he doesn’t want to do. More power. More control. Less obligation.

Spoiler alert, you can’t heal or re-discover yourself while binge watching Netflix or playing five hours of Call of Duty.

So he never gets better, but shrouded in tears and therapy terms, that takes a long time to figure out. The main problem I have with this guy is that he isn’t re-charging. He isn’t making art or meditating. He isn’t hiring a life coach to help him re-invent his work life or trainer to create a new work out plan for him either.

A person playing the toxic introverted card is often using it to make space for hidden addictions to TV, gaming, alcohol, emotional affairs, drugs, porn or worse. Opting out of an important night to your family so that you can sit in front of a screen and drink isn’t introversion. It’s selfishness and addiction.

Introverted people can still participate in their relationships and do things they don’t feel like doing. It makes me angry to have to write that. Sensitive Empaths can work outside their homes and hold safe space for the emotions of others. People with ADHD can use calendar apps. My richest friends are also my most neuro-diverse connections. I know kick ass moms who are bi-polar. Best-selling author Glennon Doyle has written extensively about her severe battles with depression and even has a podcast called, We Can Do Hard Things.

People with all kinds of mental and physical challenges can get extreme joy and connection from showing up well to events that are important to their families. Even events that don’t spark personal joy for them. Even when they are tired. Don’t allow anyone in your life to control you with their therapy labels or their trauma. Trust me, Todd does not NEED to sit on your sofa several nights a week because of his hard life and his introversion. He’s just playing you.

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Thanks for your claps, comments and follows. If you want to know more about embodiment this course is the best place to start.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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