Are We Bringing up Happy Children?

John Lennon once said, “When I was 5 years old my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy”. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

So what is happiness?

Webster’s defines happiness as a state of well-being and contentment. Psychologists define it as an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment. There are quite a few debates as to the definition because something so intangible is difficult to quantify but regardless of the definition one thing is true…

We all want our children to be happy and healthy and to grow into happy, healthy individuals.

Are kids happy?

I hope so. I want mine to be happy. More than anything I want my child to have a life filled with inner joy, curiosity and a desire to find true fulfillment even if the world outside is crazy and tumultuous.

But statistics show the rates of childhood depression, suicide, drug use, and need for therapy continues to rise (even before it was exacerbated by the pandemic). That’s scary and worrisome. Truly happy kids are not depressed on drugs or suicidal.

What can we do?

It’s never a one size fits all experience but research shows we can create boundaries and eliminate fallacies that aren’t helping our children grow up happy. What are fallacies? They are those little misconceptions we all want to believe are doing our children good and making them happy when research says they probably arent.

I know our home has them. And I reassess and redirect and make lists (both mental and tangible) of what is important, what are my goals, and what are my beliefs as often as possible. These lists usually fall into one of three categories:

1.Behaviors that are probably unhealthy and need to be adjusted(too much tv, rudeness, excessive social media…)

2.Behaviors that I won’t be adjusting because the costs of adjustment outweigh the benefit (for me one includes the stress associated with my child’s sometimes forgetfulness)

3.Behaviors that would lead to disagreements I’d rather not show up to because you can’t win them all (this list includes things I will get to later but may be letting slide at the moment because everything in life is about balance… you can’t conquer all mountains at once).

The fallacies usually fall into one of four categories
Giving our kids everything they want will make them happy.

We know this one instinctually and yet parents still say… “I only wanted to give my child everything I didn’t have growing up”, “is it really too much”, “but it makes them so happy”.

Does it really benefit our children to overindulge them? To give them everything we didn’t have? Research shows that overindulging our children can cause them to have an overblown, entitled sense of self and lack of self control with the need for instant gratification.

But how can we give them everything and not overindulge them at the same time?

We can’t. We shouldn’t. We should give them what is most important. Our time is probably the most precious thing we can afford them. Listening to them. Helping them make decisions. Laughing with them. Doing things with them (even if that’s just sitting together reading a book).

Our children will be happier if we give them our presence not our presents~ Dr Martin Luther King

But we try, oh how we try. No? We spent $38 billion on toys in 2021. That was over a 14% increase from the year before. And in 2020? We spent $33 billion. Which was more than a 20% increase from the year before. We keep thinking that buying them stuff will make them happy? Somtimes I know I do… you want new pens for the new school year even though your desk is overflowing with pens… sure, because they are shiny and pretty and you want them. You need a new dress for the upcoming dance. Of course, even though you have dresses that you’ve never worn hanging in your closet. I battle and need to check myself all the time.

Sometimes it’s easy to remember to say no… I know I won’t bring forgotten pompoms for a practice day or buy 5 of the $25 single subject notebooks for school because their pastels are a slightly different pastel color than the $5 ones everyone else is probably getting. The pompoms will be a little bit of stress (but a little bit is OK) And the notebooks?They are overpriced, and probably not really wanted. It is most likely a desire to see if I will “cave”. Not out of malice but because that is part of a child’s job. And it is my job as a parent to teach boundaries and to know when I should “cave” and where to stand my ground and say no.

As parents we hope to learn what are the little battles that will help them grow into happy adults without being detrimental and what are the big looming experiences that may be more devastating than the teachable moments they are meant to be. For every child that is different, and it may change over time… what decisions have you made for your own child?

Doing everything for our kids will make them happier.

Overindulging and doing everything may lead to kids who don’t have the skill set to do things on their own and who may have too much excess time to do things that do not give them a sense of purpose or accomplishment.

We say we know and we talk about not overindulging our children but is that really true?

We still helicopter parent, which is shown to develop anxiety and depression in kids. And now I hear the trend has gone up a notch. Intensive parenting is the new thing and up to 75% of parents do it. That’s staggering. Parents with the helicopter mentality times ten! Are we doing too much without even realizing and making excuses because it creeps in slowly?

When we sign our kids up for a summer of camps, for after school activities or for the best programs in town are we doing too much? We mean well.. I would rather my child be busy than on social media too. But must we find a different path? No activity and no social media?

We make excuses for them and don’t have expectations about them doing things for themselves or for others (like helping with the dishes, doing laundry, even picking up after the dog they so wanted last year). But we should shouldn’t we? Research shows that in life a sense of purpose helps to keep us healthy and satisfied and living longer lives. Are we stumping them from developing that sense in their youth? From exploring, making mistakes, being responsible. If so are we really helping them to develop inner joy? If they believe everything will be done for them and handed to them are we helping them to discover how to do things for themselves and how to create the magic and happiness that they want in their lives?

I am always checking myself and reassessing my actions because I overindulge. Sometimes I’m ok with it and others times I say no. I’ve learned to realize that if there is enough time to sit on social media or watch TV then there is definitely enough time to help with dishes or to walk the dog, or clean their room, or perhaps to do several of those things. If there is so much homework MP is swamped from the moment we walk in the door then I may do those things myself. It’s all about balance.

What are your boundaries? What do you think your child should be able to do? What will you do for your child? Are there situations where that line gets blurred?

Giving our kids “space” and not defining expectations or rules to help them find themselves will make them happier.

Kids need boundaries, not to be confused with hard or stringent rules but boundaries. Boundaries go hand in hand with expectations and research shows that boundaries help enable a child to learn and grow from a safe place. They help them develop their own moral and guiding compass that will help children grow into caring, understanding adults. Boundaries also help children live and grow within a community of family. To live, relate, and learn that they are interconnected and that all choices perhaps not only have consequences but also effect both themselves and those in their family unit.

I know we talk about giving our kids boundaries but are we?

I have had plenty of conversations with friends about how “I just can’t get my kid off their phone” and I see it when MP hangs out with friends. I am usually that uncool parent who asks kids not to bring phones to the table and still gets out the board games. So many kids in junior high and high school get various piercings, post themselves in bras and shorts on social media, and vape. I realize they are finding and defining themselves. But we need to decide where do we draw the line? Kids are still kids, their brains don’t fully develop until they are around 25 and they need those boundaries, they need those guidelines, they need us to set parameters about…

how much TV is too much

how much social media is too much and what should we be sharing on it

how much helping around the house helps us be a helpful family unit

realizing that yes, we all eat dinner together at the table

how much sleep is actually consistent with a good mood and a positive day

How do we go about setting boundaries?

The loss of our ability to set boundaries happens over time. Sometimes over weeks or over months. Reeling that back in may also take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you can’t break it down in one either.

For me the top two reasons that cause difficulty in setting boundaries are when I am overly tired or we have too much on our plate that day. And sometimes once a boundary is is blurred it takes time to reign it back.

If there is a list of boundaries I want to tackle (for example keeping a decently clean room, less TV watching, walking the dog, no phone at the table…) I decide which is most important or necessary to tackle first and start with one item. Then once that one is set add another and another until I’ve completed the list. Patience is key… it makes the whole process so much easier and less painful and helps to keep the peace.

Modeling is also a key factor. Sometimes I forget that modeling comes from places I don’t even consider. Not just from my behavior or that of friends.

I try and watch the shows MP is watching? What kind of modeling is there? Are good examples being set? Are no examples being set? Are poor examples being set? As fun as those shows may be if they are setting poor examples both about personal choice and placing parental figures in a very negative light I may want to reassess, especially if I see changes in behavior.

Everyone gets a medal makes kids happier.

I know the jury is out on this and there are strong opinions on both sides but personally I don’t believe in this and I follow the research that agrees. I try to teach MP not to value this either.

I remember when they changed the parameters around giving out “student of the week” certificates at MP’s school. Being there were roughly 30 students per class every child was bound to get at least one. Well when they changed them to “student of the month”, meaning roughly 9 per year you can imagine the uproar. Just 9 kids a year getting certificates!

My good friend was mortified. And highly concerned that it would be detrimental to the well being of her children if they didn’t get certificates. I understood that can be an issue but when I picked MP up at the end of the day I laughed with her about the certificates. We talked about what the “student of the week” certificate really meant. How sometimes it went to the child who was struggling and not doing well. How sometimes it went to the child who needed an “extra boost”. How it was not a reflection of how well students in class were doing (it was not grade based), how kind they were (sometimes a child was “caught” being good in the play yard and another child had been good just moments before without being “caught”) or how much “student of the week” potential they had (sometimes you’ve got so much and shine in so many ways the teacher just knows it’s not necessary). I chose not to let my own and through that MP’s level of happiness be in any way attached to whether or not “student of the week” was in our families future. I dare say it was not and no one thought twice about it or concerned themselves with it or gave any value to it.

Believing “everyone gets a medal” give weight to the need to get that medal and so yes… sometimes that may be a detrimental experience for a child who does not get one. So the jury is out. The feelings are strong. What will your values be?

“One of the most important things we adults can do for young children is to model the kind of person we would like them to be.” ~Carol B. Hillman

Bringing up our children is not a one size fits all experience. Absolutely not. But something needs to change as children are struggling more and more in society and not less and less. How can we help that change? What can we do to create a happier, engaged human being that enjoys and has a sense of self worth and curiosity into adulthood? That has always been my own personal goal for Munchkin Pie; inner joy and peace unrelated to exterior achievements and collected things.

We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future. ~Franklin D Roosevelt

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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