Sure, we want to raise emotionally intelligent boys but are we ready for when they grow up?
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“It’d be really nice if I didn’t have to wait for my birthday or Valentine’s Day for him to compliment me.”
“I don’t get why he has to get all silent like that after a bad day. Can’t he just talk about it?”
“Why does it always have to be me who brings up things we need to talk about? Why can’t he ever do it?”
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Here’s the thing, ladies. We’ve underestimated men’s ability to connect their thoughts to their feelings all along. It hasn’t ever really been true that men don’t have feelings or that they don’t know how they feel. That stereotype is getting busted more and more every day.
Ladies, hold on because I am not sure you’re ready.
Sure, we can all talk about helping to raise boys with emotional intelligence. After all, sitting with a boy crying because he didn’t make the team doesn’t threaten us. The experience can change when sitting with your husband who is worried that he might not be employable.
If you really want a husband, or man in your life, to start sharing and expressing himself more, here’s what you need to do to get ready:
Be Prepared to Listen Without Defensiveness
Whenever I hear a woman talk about wanting to understand a man more, one of the first questions I ask is: “Are you prepared for the answers to your questions?” Of course you can listen and be present for someone sharing compliments or affection but what happens when you hear “I was upset that after putting the kids to bed you didn’t want to spend time with me and instead called your girlfriend”?
It’s hard for both men and women to hear that our partners are disappointed without assuming blame.
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As a therapist, I sit and talk with men all the time and what I most often hear is that when they try to talk to their wives about their upset, they are met with defensiveness. They’re more likely to hear “What do you mean I can’t call a girlfriend? Didn’t you get to talk to the guys when you were out golfing for six hours?” The wife misses the point entirely. It’s not about the husband not wanting her to call a girlfriend every once in a while. It’s about this night. This instance. He wanted to spend time with her and he was disappointed when her preference was different.
It’s hard for both men and women to hear that our partners are disappointed without assuming blame. However, that’s exactly what we need to do. If we want to understand one another’s experiences more, we have to be more understanding. That means putting down our protective shields and allowing ourselves to hear when we’ve let the other down.
Validate and Express Empathy
I know what you’re thinking. This one seems like a no-brainer. After all, the stereotype for women is that we’re nothing, if not empathic. Yet validating a feeling and expressing empathy when we are at the center of the hurt is entirely different. It can be hard to say “I understand that you were bummed when I didn’t want to spend free time with you. I am sorry to have hurt your feelings.” After all, we didn’t intend to cause the hurt or disappointment so apologizing can feel like taking blame for something we didn’t do.
This is a dynamic that men and women fight about all the time and both genders experience this frustration. However, whether we intended it or not, a hurt happened and it needs to get acknowledged.
There’s No Such Thing as “If You Loved Me, You Could Read My Mind”
A lot of times when women are crying to be understood, they daydream about having a husband who just “gets it” without some long, drawn-out explanation. This is a myth and a fantasy and the faster you let go of it, the better.
Insight is not the same as mind-reading.
It’s not a substitute for you having to explain yourself. If you need your husband to be more understanding, you have to talk more and explain yourself in such a way that he can understand. His job is to ask questions, seek clarification, and make sure he’s getting it right. It’s not to speak for you when it’s time to talk about difficult or vulnerable things.
You Have to Still See Strength in the Absence of Confidence
Sometimes, when women talk to me about their husband’s crying or sharing difficult things, the first impression I get of the women is that they’re nervous and uncomfortable. It’s an understandable reaction, of course. Sometimes, it can just be nervousness about “wanting to do it right.” They want to provide their husbands with a positive experience while they share vulnerability.
We have to do our own work on changing any internal stories we might have about men, vulnerability, and their expression of emotion.
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Other times, the nervousness comes from a fear about what this worry translates into in terms of the family’s future. We all can get triggered by someone else’s anxiety and this is especially the case with spouses. We have to hear our spouse’s worries for what they are. Just worries and being worried, sad, or scared, does not imply an absence of strength but sometimes, we forget that when we are sitting with real fear, pain, or angst.
This means we have to be honest with ourselves about the prejudices that we still might hold, despite our best intentions. We have to do our own work on changing any internal stories we might have about men, vulnerability, and their expression of emotion. If we don’t check our prejudices and assumptions at the door, we risk having them show up in our body language, word choice, or vocal tone. Then, the damage to our ability to communicate with the men who are important to us could be irrevocable.
When Men Connect to Their Feelings, They Sometimes Find Darkness
We all experience feelings differently. Men have been culturally programmed forever to connect more to anger and rage than women have. This sometimes means that this is their go-to feeling when they are first connecting and sharing their experiences. Anger comes with a side of pessimism at times and this can be hard to sit with.
Separating the man from the feeling is crucial for understanding and connecting with his expression. When you define a man with anger as an “angry man” or you listen to his expressions of doubt and call him “pessimistic”, you’re shutting him down. Instead of questioning the need for the feeling, get curious. Ask questions. Beneath the anger and doubt, you will often find the softer feelings like sadness and insecurity but those feelings only come out when it feels safe to do so.
Accept Needs Without Belittling
The more men connect to their thoughts and feelings, the easier it is for them to connect with their needs. Emotional intelligence and insight is not the same things as talking about it. Men and women alike can connect with their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and still not want to talk about it.
So, when men say they “need to go to the gym” or “playing video games helps them”, don’t be so quick to shut them down, roll your eyes, or mock them. There is no one-size fits all model for emotional intelligence and needs identification. Simply put, we all need different things and some of us will never be interested in talking about it.
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In her book, Daring Greatly, Brenè Brown, shares her experience of working with men as they try to connect and share their emotional experiences. She tells the story of a gentleman who approached her after a lecture: “My wife and daughters…they’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but c’mon. You can’t stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that.”
If we want men to know their feelings and experience are safe with us, we have to tell them so and back it up with our actions. We have to remove defensiveness and judgment from our reactions and replace them with curiosity and acceptance, even at times when their expressions confuse or startle us.
So, while some men have work to do on learning to connect and open up more, they’re not alone. Women do, too.
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Photo: Arne Halvorsen/Flickr
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How Raising Emotionally Literate Boys Challenges Our Perceptions of Masculinity
YES! Wonderful article, and I was so relieved that it was written by a woman. This is an issue that women need to discuss, on a much wider scale and in greater depth. I sometimes feel I’m the only woman who worries about this. Women regularly dehumanize men by treating them like security guards and financial brass rings rather than like fellow human beings. Women raised in very traditional settings may find they must make sacrifices when releasing these stereotypes. I walked out of “Pretty Woman” because the message was so horrible for both genders: Women, you must be hot… Read more »
I just wanted to say that I love your comment, Robbie, right down the the comet-landing scientist. Acting in good faith and rewarding others who do so is everything.
Personally, as I’ve gotten older and believe I see things more realistically I don’t get involved with anyone’s drama. I am a sensitive man always have been and in younger years hid that because of lack of confidence in self. But for quite awhile now not so much. If a woman wants to play that game of manly man and then criticize when I’m being so she is outta there in my life. Seriously. I have no use for that. Good article Heather. The more we can see all of us a humans first the better we’ll all be and… Read more »
“There is no one size fits all for emotional intelligence…” I tried to encourage my husband to go to the spouse support groups led by a social worker/therapist at my doctor’s office….it helped me to know that he went and that he was trying…the therapist said the men need that safe space amongst themselves to discuss the bewilderment and confusion and hurt that goes along with taking care of an ill spouse…. My husband doesn’t go anymore to spouse support group….I still go on and off to the women’s group just to air out the bad feelings in my head….different… Read more »
Thanks for your recognition Paul, I feel seen by you! I also read your comments about how GMP has been altered to become politically correct and feel sad about that. Women (and men) will never really move forward until we can remove the need to protect ourselves and learn to trust both ourselves and the men in our lives that are seeking to create understanding, connection and love. This is part of my work with women at Oztantra. I live with one who is quite politically incorrect but who has a clarity and ability to love that is profound. It… Read more »
“The Lefty, Feminism Endorsing, Politically Correct Men Project”. ….. I almost spit my coffee out. On a personal level, I’m okay with many at GMP but on this level, where the site is concerned, you hit the nail on the head.
The problem is that the site is mis-named at this point. It really USED to be The Good Men Project, when it was run by the founder, Tom Matlack. At that point, the articles and blogs reflected a full spectrum of ideas, from left to right, from feminism to men’s rights activism. But Tom got in trouble with feminists, and was kicked to the curb for the sin of speaking his mind. The folks who took over changed the the site, and purged a lot of content that they disagreed with. So now, instead of it being “The Good Men… Read more »
Every Comment I have posted on several articles on this site thus far today have been deleted, and I have looked at the policy. I picked out this segment : {Comments on the Good Men Project are loosely moderated. That means we don’t check every comment, but if it raises a flag it will be held in queue until a moderator makes a decision in it. If your comment gets “held for moderation”, it usually means you either used inappropriate language, are commenting on a potentially provocative post that is more heavily moderated, your post is unduly long, has multiple… Read more »
My personal experience around male vulnerability as a woman has been an instant unconscious reaction – a deep and bottomless kind of existential fear. On investigation I have learned this fear has been about being left unsupported or alone. Taking a moment to acknowledge this fear to myself, which I logically understand is not true but seems very real at a primal level, has allowed me to be able to hold space for the man sharing with empathy and without needing to invalidate or shut down his vulnerability. There is a harder place that comes up for me when he… Read more »
I appreciate what you shared here. You’re taking ownership of your own feelings of existential fear and shame, and not making them the man’s problem. That’s exactly the kind of consciousness we need, from men and women both, to move on past the current gender divide.
Excellent Heather! I am feeling a faith in humanity after reading this. Truth be told, I’ve disliked this site in the past because so many of the articles were about how men should adapt themselves to women’s posturing (“If you loved, me you’d know” is a common one as is assuming to know her partner’s intent) This article goes against the mainstream grain that tries to assert that a majority of men are too emotionally retarded for intimacy and that women are perfect relationship creatures that don’t posture. Both sexes posture… and tend to do it differently. But it takes… Read more »
So, as Ms. Gray asked , “Are we ready for emotionally intelligent men?” The answer, generally speaking, NO!!! To all those guys ready to ‘open up’, just think of Charlie Brown com ing up to kick the football as Lucy’s holding it. We all know, in spite of Charlie Brown enthusiastic optimism, how it ends! Better too hire a Therapist , a knowledgeable stranger, trust me , it’s the best money you can spend.
“Are we really ready for emotionally intelligent men?”. >>> That headline needs work. What it really needs to say is, “Are we really ready to drop the false idea that men are emotional idiots”?. There’s a HUGE difference between the two ideas. The former is misandric, even if unconsciously so. The latter is not, because it recognizes that the real problem isn’t men and their (former) lack of emotional intelligence, but rather the cretinous stereotypes about men. Let me do a gender flip to make the situation even more clear. We are – possibly – about to elect the first… Read more »
Hi, Paul. Good points that I look forward to thinking about. I tried to dispel the very notion you’re talking about in my first paragraph. I get that it didn’t read that way for you. We’ll have to agree to disagree on your idea that none of the GMP writers tackle this issue appropriately.
The majority of GMP writers are terrible on this Heather. I’m sure there are some good ones. I’d say that you are one of them. Bobbt below holds an opinion below that is common among men and many men only admit it in private to other men friends. Many women will slay a man for opening up. Where I part ways with Bobbt is that I find that if I am persistent about my willingness to be vulnerable and empathetic, I develop a sixth sense about which women are ready for it and not. Also, its necessary to keep at… Read more »
“bobbt holds an opinion below”
That’s not an opinion Alex, it’s knowledge learned the ‘Hard Way’, that is, through experience. As far as being “persistent about my willingness to be vulnerable (empathy seems to be more willingly accepted)”, it reminds me of how a man walks up to a man banging his head against a wall fairly hard. When he asks why, the man replies “Because it feels so good when I stop.”
Hi Heather – The fact that GMP published the headline as written tells me that the editorial staff here is not really conscious of their own misandric biases, even as they claim to be leading “the conversation no one is having” about men. That judgment is confirmed by their continued flacking for feminism, publishing article after article about why “good men” should self-identify as feminists. In fact, there are lots of good men, including me, who deliberately and consciously eschew the feminist label and brand because of what feminism has morphed into – but our voices are NOT represented on… Read more »
Actually, I think that is just right, and not a slur. We as a society are not ready for emotionally intelligent men. It is not that the men are not there, but we recoil from them, slap them in the face, and leave them sore and isolated. There is no lack or shortage of emotionally intelligent men. But they cannot operate naturally here. We push them into art instead of life.
Think about “Are we ready for working mothers.” Was that a slur, in the 70’s, because mothering is work? The problem is that we want to see work shaped like capitalistic job competition, and all other work did not look like work. Men’s risk taking in business, their ways of lying well (and constantly) without causing disasters, their long tradition of productive mentoring, these things are emotional intelligence, reshaped according to what the society is ready for. We want to see emotional intelligence shaped a certain way, and we do not see it when it comes in another form. Men’s… Read more »
Wonderful piece, Heather. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks, Mark! High praise coming from you!
This is absolutely wonderful, spot on. When men (or anyone, really) shares feelings, they share them in a social context. Sharing his feelings is as much about the reception of those feelings as it is about him volunteering them. Being a woman or being emotionally skillful or being intutive does NOT automatically mean that one is a good listener.
In some ways, I think men are more sensitive to feeling “not-listened-to” than women are. Men seem to give up sooner than women do when it comes to trying to get validation. At least that’s true in quite a few relationships.
Yes! I hear this from men in my practice all the time and know I have been guilty of it, myself, with my own husband. I either rush to problem solving or I want to help him change his negative self-perception by telling him that isn’t the way it is, rather than by listening to what is making him feel that way. Poor guy. Has it rough being married to a shrink.
Thanks Heather.
You related my experience of the turmoil often within me. My exception is that my wife has always allowed me to be open with my emotions especially when I am down and struggling with issues. I am confident and open about my feelings and emotions at home. Always have been. My kids and my wife see me cry when I’m happy and when I’m sad. They see me angry – for which I apologize when it is out of order (99% of the time).
Forgive typos. I hate writing on my tablet.
Great article, Heather! Anecdotally, my experience showing vulnerability to my female partners, and even female friends, has been not good. The few times I’ve really let my guard down their reactions have ranged from anger to frigidity. I was really surprised this happened, considering how often women seem to encourage the men in their lives to open up and be more emotionally expressive. My reaction to this was to shut down even more- leaving me to feel more isolated and with fewer venues to express these feelings safely. In the last several years, I’ve begun to counter this by looking… Read more »
In my experience, the encouragement for emotional expression applies primarily to the positive emotions. My marriage has not been easy. The emotions I have to share are often negative. So I often don’t. My wife would probably lump me in with the emotionally unintelligentsia.
But when I do hear her requests for being open emotionally and respond by sharing, I’m met with the same sort of defensiveness the article describes. I can certainly understand that she’s coming from a hard place too and wants to hear the positive stuff and that the negative stuff just feeds her insecurities.
Great article Heather.
Heather my friend …. GREAT article and “Here’s the thing, ladies. We’ve underestimated men’s ability to connect their thoughts to their feelings all along. It hasn’t ever really been true that men don’t have feelings or that they don’t know how they feel. That stereotype is getting busted more and more every day” says it all and is what I’ve been saying throughout the my many adult years of life. And I’ll add something else, my dad’s generation was the same. Someone along the line painted a picture of men which was and is totally untrue but it’s stuck and… Read more »
Tom you know I love you right but women aren’t the only ones that upheld that stereotype. Some men out there love to portray themselves and their gender as being “easy” and only needing to “eat, sleep and f*ck”. I’ve heard men themselves laughingly with a wink call themselves “dogs”. They liked the over-simplifciation of their own gender. Plus, while men have always had feelings, they did not always communicate them or talk to women about them effectively. They would close themselves off. I’ve seen it with my own Dad who really wasn’t very good at communicating his feelings. He… Read more »
Erin, You’re right in that there are some men who fit the stereotype and I would go far as to say that they promote it. But in my life, they are truly in the minority. But it’s an (lack of any other term) interesting stereotype. Nevertheless, it’s a stereotype that’s been used on the forefront of society. My dad was a lot like your own in that he, although a great communicator in general, seldom communicated his “feelings,” but nonetheless dealt with them in his own way. I am in some ways very similar to him in that I’m not… Read more »
I’m ready.
Mostly this is a good article and I agree with the advice. Overall, it’s the same advice you would give for emotional exchanges in any relationship. There are some exceptions. One is the bit about not being a mind reader. We are supposed to let go of stereotypes about men, but you can construct them about women? From my experience the “read your mind” thing is a HUMAN failing and both men and women do it. I know my husband expects me to read his mind about sex and what he’s in the mood for. Another is the part about… Read more »
Betty, Good feedback. Thank you. I could have used a different way of describing it.
Erin, Thanks for your thoughtful response. I enjoyed reading what you had to say. I don’t really expect women to bottle their reactions to their guy’s thoughts or feelings. I just challenge you to be less reactive and be more curious to try to understand where their thoughts and feelings are coming from without coming with a quick reaction. Quick reactions are often seen and perceived as judgments. Sometimes, when someone, man or woman, is talking about a thought or a feeling, it’s not necessarily where they land. They are just thinking something out loud or playing something out for… Read more »
Something important: true, emotionally intelligent men aren’t going to care if you’re ready, much less sit around and wait for you to adapt. Some of them are already here, and large segments of the population overlook them… I have a friend I call the Zen Master. I always used to say, “Wow, he’s such a great guy, I wonder why he’s single?” Now I say, “Wow, he’s such a great guy, no wonder he’s single.”
Heather, this is a really fantastic piece. I admit I felt defensive just reading this. I still want to defend myself and my gender so *my* story as a woman can be heard. My first inclination is to deflect the topic off what women need to do and encompass men about their responsibility and give the classic “but men do this too stuff” or “this could apply to men too!”, deflection. That was my first response. My defensive response. But then I took a step back and a deep breath. I still feel a bit defensive, there is a ball… Read more »
Hi, Erin, I replied to your post below. Sorry about that. I neglected to hit the reply button. Please scroll down to read my comments.
Yes, I agree that being more emotionally connected will lead to opening up about vulnerabilities and that is where the problem lies. Doubtlessly, women will need to adjust their feelings and reorient themselves to the new nature of men. In one way, it makes me realise how important it is for one person to remain emotionally strong always, especially in crisis but we can’t let men get disconnected fro themselves because of this. Both partners need to understand the emotions and read situations in a more empathetic manner. Even naturally, women are supposed to be more emotional so there shouldn’t… Read more »
I agree, Shubham. Finding the balance in relationships is so important. Getting rid of the idea of 50/50 is a good start. Sometimes I will be carrying 60% of the load while my husband carried 40% and other times I’ll carry 10 while he carries 90.
Thank you. I enjoyed the article and agree with it. The only thing I would have suggested was that you include why women should care about helping their men be emotionally intelligent. You answered that nicely with this comment. If you support him when he needs it, he can support you when you do.
too often have I seen men cry and be mocked or belittled by the women who claim they want a ” more sensitive man”
if women want sensitive men then they have to stop brutalizing the ones who break down and weep at the frustration of being ” soley responsible” for a woman’s happiness when the woman is a bottomless pit of demands and ” needs”