Are You a Dating Serial Monogamist?

So what is serial monogamy? It’s a dating style that involves having a series of long-term monogamous relationships. Rather than taking time for oneself in between, or casually dating around, serial monogamists feel comfortable in exclusive, committed relationships. They seek out serious long term relationships for extended periods of time. When they no longer work out, they immediately hop into the next one, believing that their new partner is “the one.”

The traditional ideals of ‘romance’ is what intrigues serial monogamists. They are obsessed with the concept of exclusive love and want to be the only person you share that love with. Generally speaking, serial monogamists are romantics to the core.

But is the idea of life-long monogamy practical? Researchers David Barash and Judith Lipton found that there is in fact no evidence that monogamy is “natural” or “normal” for humans. There is an abundant amount of evidence that shows that people have long been prone to having multiple sexual partners.¹ Therefore, for serial monogamists to believe in one passionate exclusive love, is in many ways, naive.

But being committed to one partner, showing loyalty and affection….

Doesn’t sound too bad right?

While some of the benefits of dating a serial monogamist include attentiveness, strong affection, and understanding, there are definitely some red flags you should look out for when dating one.

Codependent

First and foremost is codependency. Serial monogamists often love spending time with their partners, so much so that it leads to an overall lack of independence. If you ever feel guilty for leaving your partner, or find it hard to make time for yourself within the relationship, it can be extremely unhealthy.

Disconnected From Reality

Serial monogamists can also be disconnected from reality. They can often confuse being in love, with the idea of being in love. They are so enthralled by being in love that they can almost convince themselves it is true love when it’s really not.

Emotional Baggage

Lastly, it is common for them to carry a lot of emotional baggage. The psychology of serial monogamists has shown that many people become serial monogamists after traumatic experiences or loss in their lives. Additionally, if they have had a number of ex’s in the past, they carry that past history with them in each new relationship they start shortly after.

I have dated men in the past who would not let go of their ex’s. Even so much so that they would compare me to them. It is extremely toxic, and unhealthy in a relationship to be compared to someone else entirely different than you. Make sure that if this ever happens to you, you do not stand for it. You are unique and beautiful in your own way!

There even came a time in my own life where I questioned if I myself was a serial monogamist. I was known to generally have a boyfriend and enjoy more intimate long-term relationships myself. The difference being, that I am also equally as happy alone. I took a few months to myself, single, to travel around Asia. In that experience, I realized how strong I was on my own. Rather than focus on chasing a relationship that wasn’t going to work, I was working on being comfortable with myself.

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So how do you know if you’re in a relationship with a serial monogamist? Below are some key characteristics to look out for in your relationship.

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They Have Never Been Single

If you are dating someone who has had a pattern of many long term relationships in the past, it is very likely that they are a serial monogamist. Even more so, if they jump from one relationship to the next. Ask yourself how long it was between their past relationship and the one with you. If it was short, there is a good chance you’re with a serial monogamist.

Often times, we can all think of that one friend of ours who always seems to be in a serious relationship. With each new partner, they “swear is the one!”

Jumping into new relationships so quickly can be extremely emotionally draining not only for yourself but your friends as well.

They Initiated Your Current Relationship

Many times serial monogamists like to be in control. Did they make the first move? Did they make you feel pressure to jump into a relationship with them possibly quicker than you likely would have?

I have had friends in the past that go on one date with a guy and already plan the next month! It is crazy to see how eager they can be especially after only knowing someone for a few days. Remember to take things slow, its a walk, not a sprint.

They Always Want Company

If you find it difficult to go out on your own or spend time engaging in activities for yourself without your partner being by your side 24/7, it is likely they are becoming codependent. As mentioned before, codependency can be extremely toxic in a relationship and encourage built-up animosity and frustration. Any signs of a lack of independence from your partner should be a red flag.

My partner and I have what we call, “me” time. This is time in the week where we get on with activities we enjoy alone, or with our own friends. For example, he may book in a night out with his buddies, or a day playing golf. I may choose to go out shopping with girlfriends or spend a brunch out without him. These are all healthy and good ways of managing space in a relationship! Be cautious if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t allow you, or looks down upon you having this personal time.

They Make Future Plans Early On

Serial monogamists like to plan and dream about the future. If they make plans about your future extremely early on in your relationship, this is something you should be aware of.

They Dislike The Concept of Dating

If they ever mention a distaste for dating or going on dates in the past this could be an issue. For many, dating is meant to be exciting and fun. Even if it is short-lived, dating can be lighthearted and a chance to meet a new person. If your partner finds dating to be pointless, or a waste of time, it could be that you’re with a serial monogamist.

Finding yourself in a relationship with a serial monogamist could be a slippery slope. It is important to always remember your self worth and value. Bringing so much intense energy into a relationship can be tiring and ultimately unfulfilling. You don’t want to become just another ex, on their checklist of many. That is why if you look out for these key signs, you will be able to identify if you have fallen for a serial monogamist.

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[1]: Aaron Ben-Zeev. (October 31, 2018). Is Serial Monogamy Worth Pursuing? https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/200810/is-serial-monogamy-worth-pursuing

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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